The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep forgetting that if I put my hand on the hot stove, I'll get burned.
I was checking the state unclaimed property sites, where I'd found some unclaimed property. So then I checked under the names of some friends, and found they had some listed too. So ... then I checked in the name of my ex.
So he had some listed too.
So I sent him a friendly, non-committal e-mail notifying him that he had some property listed on the site.
Just an innocent little thing to do, right? Not. My disease kicked in full force. I started to obsess about whether he'd reply. I started to obsess about everything that went wrong. I started to have those long fantasies where I explained everything to him in exactly the right way, and he finally said, "I see the light! I see how my addictions were unhealthy, and I let you down, and I want you to know I adore you and I'll make it all up to you." And on and on. I could feel my mind just spiralling out of control.
I had thought I was feeling a lot of pain, being out of touch, having all this unresolved anger. But now I see that the pain can get even worse when I get caught up in everything again.
Also, he didn't reply, and I know from snooping that he hasn't been active on his website, and so I started to worry about whether something had happened to him (he has some health issues). More obsession, more loss of focus...
None of it would have happened if I had stuck to my own life and resisted the temptation to put his name into the unclaimed property website.
I hate this two-steps-forward, two-steps-back life. I wish I could just accelerate to the future, where I don't have to fight the impulse to sink into my old ways every minute of the day. You know?
I have not contacted my ex since emails that was shared between us Friday. I feel like I am almost two days clean. It is mad! Part of me knows that by not getting in touch he is likely to. So i am still caught in the game. it is a game that has made me ill, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I just hope the sun shines again here in the UK today, so I can enjoy time in the garden relaxing like I did yesterday, where he faded into the distance somehow.
Ouch Mattie!! God you see the picture soooo clearly after the wakeup call. We learn from experience. The stove is hot...The stove is hot...The stove is hot leave the kitchen. It gets better girl. Thanks for the ESH. ((((HUGS)))
That hurts ... the cool part is that you recognized it!
Awareness, then Acceptance then Action!
I type that as a reminder for me too, for there are still some painful and nonbeneficial behaviors I get caught up in . Creating new patterns involves actually undoing and creating new neurological pathways. No wonder it takes so much practice!
Yep, I know...
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Mattie, I sometimes want to "just accelerate to the future, where I don't have to fight the impulse to sink into my old ways every minute of the day"....but I know I can't. I have so much to learn along the way and even though for me the learning hurts I know I need it.
HP made me one stubborn girl and it takes a lot to get through this totally thick head of mine :) and if I am really going to learn something I am really going to get hurt.
But I am hoping that even that is changing. The more I am learning it seems that some things I pick up pretty fast, but there are some times I feep going back to that stove.
Take care of you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Great ESH- I, too could so easily tip in that direction! So, I don't head into that neighborhood anymore but just like you, its something small that could so easily blossom into something huge and unmanageable within 20 seconds- my disease! Thanks for your post- great reminder. Jean
He did reply to the e-mail. A brief but non-hostile reply. Then my obsession really took off.
I know what an alcoholic must feel like when they open the bottle, they take one sip, they start to slip down the slippery slope ... and now they have to pour the rest of the bottle down the sink, quick, before all that recovery goes out the window.
Don't want to pour the bottle out ... must pour the bottle out ... don't want to pour the bottle out ... must pour the bottle out.
Boy, is this a reminder never to even take the first actions towards getting involved with all this again. My recovery is so fragile! It's funny how you can know all the right moves, but actually doing them is another thing entirely.
