The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I posted here before, I left AH but am having tremendous feelings of guilt and remorse. My head tells me I have done the right thing but I am so heartbroken and guilt filled.
I did spend some time with AH since his release from rehab and found him in sorry shape. Physically, he is pale and constant shaking, which I attribute to alcohol withdrawal. He has drank everyday since his return home, except for that day. His clarity and honesty when sober is astounding but as everyone here knows, that is right out the window the minute he picks up the bottle.
He practices emotional blackmail on me every chance he gets, he would not have had a drink the night he returned home from rehab if I had been there, I promised I would stay if he got help, no one supports him, blah, blah, blah. It is a knife in the heart.
I cannot take it anymore. I want to support him to get well, but I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall. I took a stand and am adhereing to it, but I feel like a babe in the woods dealing with this disease and dysfunction.
I keep second guessing my descisions and quite frankly there is no manual on how to handle the suicide attempts, lies, family drama, blackouts, etc. I am in over my head and I feel like I am in shark infested waters. I am sickened that I am uprooted again, living out of boxes and no clue how to start all over again. If my AH were well, I would go home but he has not reached out for help since his release so no encouragement there.
I can completely relate to your post. It IS scary doing something different - like taking care of yourself this time. It feels completely foreign and "wrong" - because that's not what we are used to.
For me, this is where the slogans really help - Keep It Simple, Easy Does It and First Things First come to mind here - along with detach, detach, detach.
If you attend a f2f group, I strongly urge you to pick up that 1,000 pound phone and call someone who is on the list. They can give you that extra support and validation you need right now. If you can't reach anyone on the phone, go to the chatroom or keep coming back here.
These are things that I have done that have helped me cope with my separation from my AH. I can honestly say that it DOES get easier, but it takes practice. Listen to your instincts - they are usually right. If you're not sure, then simply make the choice to not make a decision - for now - until you can get still and gain some clarity.
Keep coming back and keep taking care of YOU, whatever that looks like.
love in recovery,
bg
-- Edited by blender_girl on Saturday 10th of April 2010 01:04:14 PM
In the beginning of being married to the x ah, I use to feel guilty, I thought he drank because of me, I thought I wasnt a good enough wife. The list went on and on, after being with him for 26 years and being in Al-anon and doing the program, he got progressively worse. I thought I was being understanding in supporting his disease. What I was doing was just that, supporting , so he could drink some more.
He was doing what he is suppose to do, moving toward a bottom, no matter how long it takes them or how many bottoms they will hit. Each time the X ah hit another one, I thought this is it, he's going to see, I thought for sure when the Police found him passed out from falling out of his truck on a busy highway , taken to the ER, with a alcohol level that would kill a horse. with his ribs fractured, I thought this is it, but it wasnt, he had more road to go.
There was never anytime for my life, he took it over with all his drinking and drama. I felt my life shrinking. Bottom line for us on the sidelines is we have to dig down deep and find the strength and courage to live our lives with dignity and some resemblance of normalcy that we are entitled too. We think that the A's need us. We have to look at ourselves and wonder why we are not doing for ourselves and giving up so much for them. The balance is off. When the best thing for us and them is to let go. Believe in your HP, believe that your A is where he is suppose to be and you are where your suppose to be. My belief and this is my opinon is that the objective here is about the A living a sober and meaningful life and the partner's living a sober meaningful life and if that takes us living in different places for awhile, so be it. If we are feeling the guilt, that only means that the A is putting all the responsibility on you for what he is doing and that is drinking himself to death. You didn't cause it and you know the rest. It wasnt until I split from the A, that he finally stopped drinking, still one year went on and he continued to drink and almost died 3 times, I stayed away, it was difficult, but I knew I had to let him fall and not to rescue him. He is sober today. Im happy for him. That was all I ever wanted was to see him sober. Im happy for me, because all I ever wanted was to break free from the shackles of this disease. Don't feel guilty for wanting a better life for yourself. It is our birth right to become happy where we are, right now, in this moment. I know its the most difficult thing we ever will have to do, but we must. Sorry this is so long. Hugs to you, you know you have to keep coming back. Bettina
He practices emotional blackmail on me every chance he gets, he would not have had a drink the night he returned home from rehab if I had been there, I promised I would stay if he got help, no one supports him, blah, blah, blah. It is a knife in the heart.
I cannot take it anymore. I want to support him to get well, but I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall. I took a stand and am adhereing to it, but I feel like a babe in the woods dealing with this disease and dysfunction.
((((Dear Catnip)))
I know what a painful place you are livng in right now. This powerful disease will do anything to win !!! I believed this disease wanted me dead and if I did not take care of me I would not survived. That is when I arrived in alaon and stayed.
The tools work!!! Please keep coming back, sharing, working the steps and letting go and letting GOd.
I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed today. Your post brought up something I have been trying extra hard to accept lately. Guilt is a hard emotion to deal with and find peace in. I had a time I felt guilt for not being able to fix my xah, then guilt for leaving him, then guilt for not leaving sooner so he could hit his bottom and find a way to get help. Overall I just found a way to feel guilty because it is what i do ... to myself. I am still practicing letting go of that need to feel guilt when I do something to better myself or situation. Remeber the 3 C's you did not cause it, there is no controlling it and you can not cure it. Jen
