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Hi everyone... I am looking for some ESH on how you have handled social functions with your AH.
My AH's sister is getting married at the end of May, and of course where there is a wedding, there is alcohol. I know I cannot control whether or not my A drinks at the wedding, or how much, he either will or he won't. I am also not really embarrassed by anything he might do. For a very long while my answer has been "I'm not responsible for his behaviour" when anyone comments on how drunk he is... My question is about "what am I going to do..."
What should I say if others ask 'How is he doing, is he still drinking?: Most of his extended family knows about his problem and thinks he is 'on the wagon' as they do not see him on a regular basis. They will obviously see if he starts drinking at the wedding, but I know the steady stream of uncomfortable questions will come my way on whether this is a one time 'special event' or a regular occurance... I was planning to just say "you will have to ask A that question" and leave it at that. Not my job to talk about his illness.
Then there is the 'enabling' question. In John's earlier post he mentioned that drinking with an A is enabling. Does having a glass of wine at a social function count? I am fine not drinking if it does.. just wondering what others before me have experienced. Also, does remaining present in the room count if I know he is drinking? Is that condoning it or should I remove myself from the wedding (in truth, I don't really care to be there anyway, so I am not depriving myself of any fun...). In everyday life I remove myself from the situation if he begins drinking, and have always told him at restaurants etc. that it is his choice if he orders a beer, but that it is my choice to leave the restaurant at that point. Would I be going back on my boundary by changing that for a wedding?
I have a plan B to stay at my parents house nearby if he does drink so that I do not need to go to the same hotel room as him. I think his mom was planning to take the kids back to her room.. I trust her with them.
I am just struggling with how to handle the 'enabling' thing and whether my remaining present is... I am a master enabler, and I sometimes fear I am doing it even when I don't think I am. My gut is that it is not enablng, as there will be plenty of others there for him to drink with. Leaving would only allow him to think I was punshing him for drinking, and give him permission in his mind to drink more. So in my mind, I am thinking I should stay as long as I am having fun (as much as you can at an inlaw wedding when they already resent you for 'hurting' their blood) and leave when I want to, regardless of what the A is doing.. Does that sound right?
It may be splitting hairs, but having a drink at the wedding and drinking "with" him, to me, are two different things. I agree, the disease shouldn't control you.
Telling questioning people to "ask the A" is exactly what I would do too.
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You already know he is probably going to drink at the wedding and as u said u are not responsible for his behavior , so go enjoy and when your ready to leave ask him to join you if he chooses not to that is up to him .. he will find a way home . I agree when people ask those questions , a simple replyof you will have to ask him about that and walk away or change the topic .. leave the problem with him where it belongs . And since your not the alcoholic having a drink is up to you , if husb was sober I would choose to not drink to support his efforts at sobriety but that is just my way of handling things I have several Al-Anon friends who drink socially the choice is up to you . Oh and be sure and clarify that mother in law intends to look after the kids , enjoy .. and leave when u have had enough . who knows u might have a great time .
I looked at people questioning me about my xah's drinking almost as gossiping. If they really cared and inderstood they would ask him, asking me always felt like someone was trying to gather fuel for the fire, I guess. Your reply is perfect in my opinion.
I, too believe there is a vast difference between having a glass of wine at a wedding and drinking with your A. I rarely drink and never did around my xah, but to be honest it was more of a way of putting an exclamation mark at the end of I don't drink than because I did not want to.
Following your normal boundaries and guidelines that work for you seems most logical to me. Only you know in the long run what is best for you and what choices will be easiest to live with later. If nothing else this event will be a learning experience on how to handle the next one!
Thanks everyone for the ESH and suggestions! I needed that! It is comforting to know that my instincts on this were healthy... I'm learning.... slowly...
