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Hi all. Its been awhile for me on this board. My A-mom is visiting my sister and I this weekend - STRESS! She went into rehab for the 1st time last summer - 1 week inpatient and a 6 week daily outpatient program (9-5 style). She has been going to meetings 2-3 times a week.
During the visit we have learned that she has had a glass of wine out at dinner on at least 2 occasions. she has told us this, which makes me think it is a passive request for help, but she also acts like its no big deal. She hasn't talked about it at all at AA, has not sought out help. She seems to think that it is okay for her to "just have one". Obviously she hasn't accepted her program.
I don't want to lecture her or threaten or scream (thanks Al Anon!!). But I don't know what to say/do!! I plan to point out that when she is struggling she should go to MORE meetings and ask for support (which she is not big on).
So - i am looking forward to all of your ESH on this!
It is my esh with my AHsober that he hears nothing that I say. I work my program. I go to AA meetings because there aren't any Alanon meetings close. I think you can turn her over to the AA's. They cannot be fooled. They say you can't b!@#$% a b@$%tter. They are the ones that can keep her honest.
What I would say is, "Now where did I store my sponsors phone number and the list of phone numbers I have saved up." That really is what I would say. Any thing else is a shadow of judgement and control for me. I don't go there any more because it never ever worked in the past. (((((hugs)))))
Festfan, My Mother is not the A in my life, but I have seen other children deal with their A Moms.
Unfortunately, as for all A's, there is nothing we can say that will stop their drinking, but the dynamics is different with a Mother. I think about my Mother and I think what if she were an A, I think I would still love her unconditionally and eternally. I would just say, " I love you Mom" and leave it at that.
You asked what to say. Myself when my AH used to say things about the effects of his being an addict, I would say, thats a real drag after all the work you put into rehab! And then like Jerry said, call your sponsor, look at your own inventory.
For me the disease is their business not mine. I sure would not want anyone trying to control my illness or watching me.
I have been told many times its an alcoholics dream to be just a social drinker , this disease fools them into thinking *one won't hurt * there is nothing u can do or say to mom if she is determined to drink . chastising her will only increase her guilt and push her further into denial .. this is her trip leave the decission to her and don't interfere . enjoy the sober times and find meetings for yourself get support from people who understand what your feeling . share your fears it will help u alot to get a diff perspective on what is actually going on . If she does slip a simple statement like I am sorry u have to keep doing this to yourself and walk away leave the problem with her where it belongs .
HI Festfan I think what Alanon has taught me that its not my job to be considering what to say or what to do about someone elses behaviour, who ever they are. Believe me I know its hard to stay out of anyone elses business.... But in my experience if an alcoholic is drinking anything at all they can't be trusted to tell you the truth anyway.
The only help an alcoholic can get is from themselves...because they know as well as us where to go for proper help. If they are telling me about alcohol they are drinking its attention they are after and not my help. I'm not saying my A didn't want my help, but once he managed to put me in charge of it he stopped being responsible for it and just supplied himself with someone to blame when it went wrong. All I did by fuelling this was to encourage his denial.
Detachment sounds so easy but is hard to do, especially when I am 'made' to feel I can do something to improve the situation. (Of course thats the lie.) My job is to clear my head of the needs of others and work at fullfilling my own needs. I hope you enjoy your time with your sister.... I really hope you can try to enjoy your time with your Mum. I hope there is plenty to talk about that isn't about alcoholism.....
I know its hard. But everywhere in the literature it talks about learning to detach with love and to maintain your own serenity. Mon x
Hi, What would I do? I like the response of, "I'm sorry you keep doing this to yourself" and walk away. Don't even try to figure out "why". We don't have their disease. In my case it is my hubby. He quit the booze 10 years ago, but then he got cancer. It is gone now after a lot of nasty treatment. That was 3 years ago. He still keeps getting the refills for drugs for sleeping, for anxiety, for pain. I'm not in his skin and I do not know if he needs these drugs or not. I can't even guess. I only know that when he is taking any of them, I don't want to be with him. I Need Detachment With or Without Love! When I am home I can find reasons to not have to interact with him. When we are on vacation I need my AlAnon reading material to keep from hurting him. I know he feels the separation between us and I know he knows I am doing it. When he stops the drugs he starts to act more loving and we can be together more again.....maybe he feels guilt? I have to take care of me. That's the only one who will.
Thanks so much everyone for your replies and ESH! I do think that she was looking for attention - that would be very typical of her. My sister (who doens't attend al anon) wanted to spend more time talking/convincing Mom on what to do - I pretty much just repeated variations of "you have been through rehab - I don't need to tell you anything - you already know" and "go to your meetings, talk about it in AA". I will admit, I could have walked away from the conversation entirely, but the family weekend had already had some very tough non-alcohol related issues and I didn't want to rock the boat even more. Classic ACOA actions, I know. But, I succeeded in not getting upset and I didn't try to tell her what to do - other than go to meetings. I'm just very sad for her because she is clearly not working the program and she could REALLY benefit from all of the steps in her everyday life. Ugh. Family drama - don't you love it!
