The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came to a point this week of just not being able to take it anymore. We dropped the kids off (we only get them every other weekend) after a hard weekend with them but good time together. We had a great talk on the way home about kid stuff. We got home and immediately he was gone into the bathroom and the drunk emerged. And here we go again every night until the kids are back. We have company coming tonight and he won't drink out of respect for them but he doesn't ever choose to not drink for me.
I realized this week, that I am treating this as though we are married. We have talked and said that that is the commitment we have but there is always some reason he won't marry yet. Usually money. And I found myself thinking, this is just stupid!! For heaven sake, I'm a mess, have no energy to take care of myself, can barely get myself to work because I'm so depressed and I'm acting like we are stuck! The truth is we are not married. He chose this. I didn't. I'm crazy about the sober guy but only getting to see that man once every few weeks and living the rest of the time with the drunk jerk just doesn't cut it.
So with much encouragement I looked into the idea of moving out until I decide if I will go back to where I first moved here from and still have friends. But when he finally agreed to talk, it just hasn't gone well. He's mad at me for talking to others. He's mad at me for messing up his evening talking about it. He's mad at me for not accepting the drunk him. He says if I leave it is the same as divorce. He says moving out will mean we are done. He will not change. He says I try to control him. And he talks about how I can find someone else and so can he. And it all hurts so bad! And I find myself caving. Okay, I'll be his pet and hope he gets better.
I do have books coming in the mail - AA big book, a book on codependency, and "Getting Them Sober". Part of me thinks I should wait and see if they help before I leave. But will it get easier or harder to leave? Am I giving up any hope of self respect to stay?
Last night, the truce came when he agreed to give me one night a week sober just him and me. When I asked for a firm date scheduled he got mad and has put me off. I am concerned that he just said it to appease me and has no intention of coming part way. And the thing is, one night a week is still kind of a crap deal for me! He says he loves me. Is this love? What happened to the man who really did show me he loved me before the relapse? Why has he just given up and said "This is who I am". He actually told me last night to either like him as a drunk or dump him and leave.
Everyone tells me to dump him. Now him too. So why don't I? Why does this rip my heart out so bad? After our "truce" he thanked me for staying. And this morning, I feel like the world's weakest woman.
If I wait to long to leave I will have no friends to go back to. But then again, if I wait, perhaps these books will help me and in turn help us? Or I'll come to hate him so much leaving won't be so hard?
I can't even function anymore...I just feel frozen.
Hi, Love Always Hopes. I know where you are. I've been there too. Except that we were married.
If you aren't going to Al Anon meetings, I'd strongly advise it. Meetings have helped me to see things more clearly. They helped to change my attitudes and actions and thus change everything around me. I've gotten healthy and mature emotionally which allows me to better handle all aspects of my life.
At meetings you'll hear other people's stories. You'll probably hear yours too. It's so refreshing to be around people who really understand and won't give you advice about your life, but will give you the support to become the best person you can be. I've gained so much self esteem and confidence since I've started Al Anon. Face to face meetings are great, but if you can't get to them there are online meetings that can be a great help, too.
When you get healthy, you'll be able to make healthier choices for yourself. I've found that the answers I was looking for have come to me without a lot of analysis since I started Al Anon. It's been a life and sanity saver.
I think all of us here, have been exactly where you are, at one point or another. You need to take care of yourself. Take a walk, sit in the sun for a few moments of peace and quiet. Your ABF is NOT your responsibility. He is an adult and responsible for himself. I have been reading self help books and they are helping but every book will tell you it takes time. You need to do what is best for YOU. Your heart and your HP will tell you what's best. Take what you like...
Turn it over to HP, listen to what he has to say, he could already be talking to you.
Funny, I was thinking as I read your post ----and the thought crossed my mind ------how could she accept only one day out of seven, that would almost be unacceptable, hard to live with----- I don't know if I could put up with that or not !!!! ------then I thought-----RLC you live with an active alcoholic and you don't get a single day out of seven either.
Your post knocked on my door once again and reminded me ------It's easy to see out the window----but hard to see in the window---- especially when it is your window.
Another lesson in self-reflecting. Thanks HP I'm listening also.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 9th of April 2010 11:57:56 AM
LAH, I so have been where you are now. I remember just wanting some time with him...sober time with him. I wanted to spend time with the man that I fell in love with and not the man I was living with. Which is really hard on the heart when you are talking about the same man.
I wanted date times with my exA and I remember pleading with him for that and telling him that I needed that. After a few times of the "sober" time not happening I found other things to do. I started going to more meetings. I went on a trip by myself to visit friends. I started doing things for me.
Doing all that kept me so busy I wasn't looking at him. Yes I still missed him, but it didn't hurt as much.
Work the program girl, talk with your HP and your answers will come.
One of my favorite things I picked up from a wise woman in my meetings is God is seldom early, but never late.
Yours in reocovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
All the above advice and experience seems pretty sound to me! I know that when my ex is in selfish mode, feeding me crumbs of his loving or none at all, i feel more hungry. Then I get grateful for the crumbs. At times i need to distance myself and let him stick his crumbs and nurture myself and prepare myself a full meal.
They always know what to say to get to you don't they?
One thing i find important, is to accept myself where i am at, even when I know im not being good to myself. It is as it is, and if I beat myself up about it, im not going to have the energy or feel good enough to start working on change.
Try the meetings, ease up on yourself, you will decide when it is right to do so. I have not started any step work yet, but I feel that maybe it will help me hand over what I can not change, and courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. So in a sense I can stop thinking/worrying/trying to figure it out, give all that up, focus on me and those steps and let the hp work its magic. Thats how it seems to work for others?
Take care and know you are not alone in dealing with the chaos and confusion Xx
Ok. So last night, we were going to just stick it out with our agreement, he let me kick him and I felt so much better! This morning it all felt wrong again. And I read these posts and others and thought "I'll do the 6 month thing with all I have then decide". And I felt good. Then my pastor from where I used to live called. He said no you're not married, you need to leave and you need to leave now. This isn't God's best for you and even if you go through a program it will only be to learn how to make what isn't God's best tolerable. He said how welcome I would be to come back and maybe there could be help with a living situation. And long term it sounds like that could be very healing and good to go back to where I know I'm loved and not have to see or talk to the ABF. And since I have friends there, maybe I wouldn't cave and come running back. But if I go I need to give a good month's notice to my workplace and how the hell do I live through a month with my ABF knowing I'm leaving? I couldn't make it through this week without caving! I can't focus on work. All I do is eat and worry and feel sick. And cry. I don't think I"ll ever stop crying! And now I just want to scream and scream and scream. Why can't I make up my own mind??? I just want to lay down, curl up with the cat and never wake up! How do I just make a decision and have peace that it was the right one for 1 24-hour period!!
One thing I personally learned by being married to the Xah, for 26 years, was that I could never negotiate with him or come to an agreement. That would have been setting myself up for dissapointment, which always lead me to be dissapointed. We must have no expectations of them. We can however set boundaries for ourselves and stick to them and decide what we will live with or not live with.
A little more tools of the program will show you thats its not at all about them. Trying to get an agreement out of an A, is like they say in Al-anon , like talking to a ketchup bottle".
I hope you do find that f2f Al-anon meeting and if you have, keep going and keep reading the posts of the members of this board. They all have experience to share. We have all walked in your shoes. Keep coming back, this is for YOU!! Hugs, Bettina
It sounds to me as if you know what the right decision is for you, but it's just scary taking the plunge. One thing someone said to me once struck home: he said, "Are you operating out of hope, or out of fear?" My reluctance to leave my ex was mostly fear, fear that I'd make the wrong decision, fear that I couldn't stand being alone, fear that I couldn't make it on my own. The decision part was horrible and went on for years, literally.
Once the decision was made (and finally his behavior was so bad that I was driven to it despite my fears -- I wish I had left earlier) -- anyway, once the decision was made and we were separated, I was surprised at how calm I felt. I had thought I would be terrified. I had a lot of grief that it hadn't worked out. But being out of the turmoil was such a relief. I hadn't even noticed how unmanageable my life was, it had become so familiar.
My sense is that you're not wondering if but when. Remember to take care of yourself -- that's the most important thing.
Look at these books as not giving you the answers. Look to them in order to understand this disease and how it affects you. Look to them to strengthen you and help you. The answers come from within you. Answers come when are most ready to receive them. The answers are in front of you, you just aren't ready for them. That's okay. Recovery takes time. You are not weak. You are human. That's a good thing. Be gentle on yourself. You'll be okay. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
By the time I reached Al Anon, I was desperate to do something about my relationship with my alcoholic. I hoped that you would tell me to "Throw the bum out", so I was dismayed when a member suggested that I make no major changes for six months after coming to Al Anon. By the end of the six months, my thinking had changed dramatically and I was grateful to have waited. At that point, something inside of me told to me to continue to wait, to learn, to recovery before deciding about this relationship. But I hate to wait!. I struggled, prayer for guidance, weighed the pros and cons. The answer was always the same:"Wait, do nothing yet. The time will come" That wasn't the answer I was looking for. So I ignored it. I forced a "solution" and walked out.
I was immediately consumed with guilt and self doubt. Had I made the worst mistake of my life? I still loved this person so much and thought I was deeply troubled, I wasn't convinced that leaving was the answer. I had to admit that I had acted prematurely. Only with more time was I eventually able to come to a decision that I knew I could live with.
Today's Reminder
When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force a solution, I probably won't get the results I seek. As the saying goes "When in doubt, don't"
