The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
But I don't know how to get out of it. It feels like I kept my anger in for 5 years (our whole relationship) and now it all boils out...at my Afiance. I feel so mad at myself that I used to yell so much at my kids, and realizing it now that it was because of the craziness going on with my Afiance.
I am seeing a therapist and am waiting on a new one that deals with codependent issues..I just don't know how to deal with the anger towards A and how to get rid of it. I am just to the point of, he wants to touch me, hug me or kiss me and I just cringe! I can't even listen to him talk and don't even care too.
My plan all along is to eventually leave...He has been sober about 2 and half months now. and attended one AA meeting...He did have a spiritual awaking with HP on Easter Sunday..He is being overly nice and trying to act like he is more calm and not stressed out about finances or life. What am I supposed to just snap out of it and be happy for everything...I am just still disgusted with the past and don't know how to move paaasssttt it.
All of us that have had an A in our lives , share with you every emotion you have ever had. Glad you are here, as we understand you like no others can.
One thing that helped me with my anger issues was of course actively staying in the program, relying on my HP and a lot of self reflection. I have had other stuff that happened in my life that had nothing to do with the A before I met him and then there was the stuff that happened after I was with the AH. I was married to the Xah for 26 years, we have been divorced for 18 months. Im finally not angry with him anymore. One thing I know that helps is seeing our part in it.
I use to think that the Xah was trying to sabotage me and make my life miserable. I know now that nothing was ever directed at me, he was just doing what an A does. I had so many expectations of him that he was just not up for. The most important step is the first one. We are powerless over their disease and the anger will lessen when we really know that they are sick people with a devastating disease. Please stick with the Al-anon program and it will show you growth and courage and hope that you never thought you would feel again. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 9th of April 2010 12:40:41 AM
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 9th of April 2010 12:41:21 AM
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 9th of April 2010 12:42:02 AM
I too can relate to the anger. And also, relate to beating myself up for it. I would consider myself to be a naturally pleasant person, I appreciate and recognize the little things in life and I am pretty low maintenance. So, being angry all the time at the A just makes me more angry and uncomfortable. I don't have any great words of wisdom on how to get past the anger. I've been separated for 18mos and I have found that with time, the anger is less stinging. I find I am best when I am detached and choose to remove myself from the line of fire.
I found serenity when I honestly believed it was a disease.The anger was so stupid to me after that.It was like being angry at a toothpick.
YES Al Anon will get you there when you are ready.
The compassion I felt for my A was endless. Actually still is.He has a horrible serious disease not of his choosing.
I cannot be angery at that.
For me it is Corinthians 13 4:8.Love does not keep account of the injury.Love does not become provoked.
I also love Leo Buscaglia. He writes and gives classes on Love.
When i realized that love was from my hp, that that is how hp feels for me, then how could I not feel the same for everyone else? Course it was harder for me as I am imperfect.
But how can I desire to be forgiven if I don't forgive others?
I think I would go to the mountains stand on the edge looking to miles and miles of fir trees and YELL out all that crap I felt inside. GET rid of it before it eats me up hon .
My mother didn't. Her bitterness about my daddys infidelity killed her. literally.
I agree with all the above posts-how valuable this community is to many of us. I have one other thing to share re' anger. I added exercise. I found something I liked to do. I joined the YMCA b/c it offers many things to do. I can go by myself or take a friend. It really helped me. Sometimes I would go 2 times a day (on hard days) when not working. Prayers and thoughts are with you.
For me, getting a sponsor and working the steps was a huge help. Didn't remove all the anger, but a large swath of it. I got to clearly see my part, where I did not take care of myself, and also where I have done well in my life. It helped me forgive as all of a sudden I saw that I was not as pristine as I thought, but it also let me forgive myself because the flip side of that pristine coin is a mountain of self doubt and guilt.
The stuff that is left is pretty big and I think counseling will help me with that. I know it is there and do not feed it. I let it sit knowing that resolution will come. Every so often I trip over these unresolved issues and just back off, don't stew, leave it until it is time. I am also working the steps again with a double winner sponsor who is a woman, that will really help. My first sponsor was a man from AA. He was wonderful, it got me out of crisis mode, but now I need to go a little deeper with someone who really understands and will help me walk through it.
I have also found that integrating the steps into my daily life really helps. The practice of letting go, seeing my part, meditation, and being of service to others changes the amount of serenity I have. We can easily stop or reduce the amount of these things we have in our lives and I have done so. I feel it and am eager and making changes to get back on track.
And the old adage, Time heals all wounds, is somewhat true. Many things suggested here will help speed up the process and help you learn new behaviors to avoid this pain in the future. But it all still takes time. Progress, not perfection.
Being ready to be over the anger is a good launching pad to taking the steps to do just that, whatever that looks like for you. You are right where you need to be.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I had a ton of anger and resentments. I found that my emotions festered while I tried to ignore them. So they did come out sideways and at inapropriate times and it often fell on the wrong people. I was sick of being constantly irritated, so I set off to do something about my emotions. I was the common denominator, after all.
Anger comes after we suffer a perceived hurt or are slighted. First pain then anger. So, knowing this, I tried to dive into the anger and get at the pain behind it. I had to do a lot of forgiveness work, for me for my not so healhty choices, for being angry in the first place, for judging others ~ u name it, I had to forgive myself for it. I did not want to be tied to these people through the pain/anger anymore, I wanted free of it. I had to forgive me, for wanting things "my way", for trying to control others, for thinking I knew more than the God of my understanding did -and- even for being mad directly with God for the state of my affairs.
Forgiveness works miracles but it can take work to get to that place -feel-deal-heal. I went thru a lot of situations and incidents that I was still holding onto (unresolved issues from the past) and as I remembered them, I accepted that everyone did their best at that time, felt my feelings through -- either thought about how I would have liked it to be different or accepted it for what it was, acknowldged my feelings and my part in it all. Then I was ready to let that incident go. It was a lot of work but Im grateful I did it all bc now I am free of the past. Everyone's life has pain, and understadning that these were human experiences, helped me too.
Putting the love of me -first and foremost- in my life, working the program, setting boudaries and following through for my own self resepct -- all fed into being able to go through the emotions/issues and set them free. I got busy and empowred myself and moved out of the blaming victim mode I was in -yes- I was mad at myself for that too! Know that making changes for YOU, is extremely empowering and it feels so incredible to have self control, self respect, self love and forgiveness from within, thanks to God.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Lindsey, I have a great counselor that I have been working with for a few months now. She works with addicition and marriage counseling. I originally went to see her if she could help me work through the wanting to leave the "A" and not being able to follow through with it.
Now that my "A" is out of my house and we are divorced my focus has changed.
I didn't express my anger much during the 12 years I was with my ex. Right after he left I was really really angry. I have found that while I am justifibly angry with him I am more made at myself, but I was directing it at him.
I don't feel consumed with the anger now. I am working on it and seperating what is his stuff and what is mine. The stuff that I am angry with me about has deeper underlying issues.
It's alot of work, but I have awareness of what is taking place now and this helps me in dealing with the "A" today and also in forgiving both of us.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Meeee toooo!! and you can learn how in the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups because that has been a huge topic of discussion and recovery work ever since the program started and if anyone knows how to get out of it and into something that feels more sane and quiet it's the groups. If you can get to a discussion meeting and ask or lead the discussion on anger or for me it's opposite... Acceptance do it. The feedback is priceless specially from the old timers who have all this experience just bust out everywhere. LOL they saved my butt.
I was a very very angry person when I got to the program and it lasted for days, months and years (resentments) and then Al-Anon. Anger now just lasts for seconds before acceptance takes over.
Good luck there or hint...start a post on Acceptance. (((((hugs)))))
Totally relate to anger. I had so much of it bottled up inside me. My son is my A and I felt that his actions was something he was doing "TO" me. After getting into alanon and working the steps and listening to the shares of others. I came to realize my son's addiction wasn't personal. He isn't out to intentionaly hurt me or anyone else. He is so full of pain and sees drugs as his only escape from that. That's when I learned compassion for him instead of anger. I now understnd he feels unworthy and hopeless ( i have no idea why ). I prayed alot during my times of anger and believe it was My HP that helped me move on to compassion. God Bless and please keep attending alanon.
