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Hi Everyone, My name is Patty and I have a very good friend who I am very concerned about. Over the past couple years we have become very close. He has confided in me that he is a functional alcoholic... he knows there is a problem, but he is unwilling or unable to seek help. He is a wonderful and amazing person and I love him... he told me last week that there is a new woman in his life. OK... we do not have a commitment, however I feel it is unfair for him to seek an emotional relationship with one person and a physical one from another. I have removed myself from the equation, no phone calls, no emails... (we live 2000 miles apart.)
He has asked me never to talk to his family about his problem. He says he will seek help when he is ready... it has been almost two years since our friendship rekindled. (he was a high school friend.) Over the past couple years I have considered talking to his family, but I have not. Now that he no longer has the emotional comfort from me, I am increasingly concerned about him.
I guess I am wondering if anyone feels I should contact his family and see if they can help him with his problem. He is 40 years old... I have tried over and over again for him to seek help and have been unsuccessful. I am really worried that he is going to end up hurting himself or worse... someone else.
This may not be what you want to hear, but I think contacting his family would do no one any good. Plus, he has asked you not to mention this to his family. Do you want to do something he specifically asked you not to? He knows he has a problem, he will deal with it if and when he is ready to. You, his family, or anybody else can't make him. One of the first things I learned here about alcoholism was the three C's- we didn't CAUSE it, we can't CURE it, and we can't CONTROL it. I know it's hard because you care for this man. But I hope you can learn to detach from him enough to let him make his own choices and suffer the consequences of those choices. Read some of the posts and replies on this board and learn how to take care of yourself no matter what your A friend does or doesn't do. Take what you like, leave the rest. But I hope you will keep coming back here.
He has to want to help himself - contacting the family would be a form of enabling. We cannot worry more for them, then they do - it doesnt work. All u can do is focus on YOU and detach with love from his problem, you can only change you, not him.
Im sure his family knows there is a problem, but the family members are usually in denial as well as the A. Everyone involved is codependent and talking to his family would create new drama to feed the disease for all. Plus, you would betray ur freind's confidence by talking to them without his permission. It will bring u into the drama, and it wont end like a faery tale where he gets help and sobriety.
Hope u get involved with alanon and learn about the disease and the ways in which u contribute to it. We all have issues and we can only deal with or heal our own, as individuals on our respective walks in humanity. Miracles do happen, but they do so in HP/God's time, not ours.
Take care of you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you both for your insight and wisdom... In all my years, I never thought I would be in this situation. You are both correct... besides, I am too scared to contact his father. Silly for a 40 year old woman.
It has been 10 days since I have last spoken to him and 7 days since there was any contact. Perhaps he has moved on and I am trying to do that as well. However, I know that there will come a time that he will be calling me at midnight on his way home from the bar. Driving drunk, talking on the phone and crying... Scary!
I suppose the right thing to do would be not to talk to him and ask him to call later when he is sober. Or perhaps not at all. It is a demon he needs to fight on his own. I have a trip planned in May when I will be in his area. Maybe then we can talk...
Addiction is very difficult if not impossible to read. It is insane, in my experience, to ask another to talk to my family about my problem. No one knows how he really feels but him.
Plus what happens if you do talk to them, they call him and he says she is crazy? Or worse? It happens.
Addiction is not functional in any instance. When they are using their brain is not working correctly.
He may be able to do more than the other addicts he sees, but this disease progresses constantly. He most likely will get to where he loses everything if he does not quit.
You are doing well to take care of you. Glad you are here! debilyn
Hello and welcome , my answer to your question is NO . They probably won't believe u anyway and it will certainly ruin and future relationship u may have with them and of course your friend . What others do is none of our business . Your friend is 40 yrs old not a child , u cannot save someone who dosnt want to be saved for him his d rinking is not a problem yet , even tho they admit to drinking too much he just isnt ready to commit to sobriety . Let go and get on with yor life , find meetings for youself ...
I think you will be happy with the decision you have made. I was told early on in the program that it is best to--- never start a crisis and never stop a crisis. It took a while for me to understand that I could not control anothers thinking or actions, or "fix" their problems. No matter how hard we try, beg or plead---the alcoholic its going to do what he or she is going to do---the question is what are we going to do? We need to take care of ourselves first-----------------and by not getting involved in "his" situation and detaching from it, that is exactly what you are doing.
If families could stop people being alcoholics, there would be no alcoholics in the world. Sadly, nothing his family can do can stop him from continuing on his path as long as he doesn't feel the need to change, and nothing they can say will make him feel the need to change any faster. This is the unfortunate truth of addiction. It has to come from him.
The other thing is that I imagine his family knows already. Alcoholics typically have surprisingly little awareness of how obvious their addiction is. They think that if no one actually sees them taking a drink or drinking to excess, that their behavior won't give them away. They often finally confess to their families only to be amazed that their families have known their "secret" for years. Problem drinkers like your friend can't stay away from drink for very long, so I'm sure he's been drunk in front of his family, even if he believes he wasn't or that it didn't show. So my guess is that his family knows very well.
Al-Anon is also about seeing ourselves more clearly, and you might want to think about why you have the urge to tell his family now. You aren't seeing him regularly any more, so you'd like his family to intervene, but you weren't able to take care of him (no one would be) before either, right? So is it a little bit of anger, maybe? That would be natural. When I ask myself "What is my motive?" I often come up with some surprising answers, when I get down to the heart of things.
I know so well that impulse to have a heart-to-heart with the drinker about the problem. My experience is that he will tell you with a very straight face that it's not a problem (and as they say, as long as he doesn't think it's a problem, it's not a problem for him; it's a problem for you), and that it's under control, and that he could quit if he chose to, and he might choose to down the line, but now's not the time for reasons Z, Y and Z. And you'll come away feeling close and encouraged and expecting some changes down the line, and then nothing will change. The truth is, explaining it doesn't make any difference. They already have enough evidence in their lives to see that drinking is hurting them, more evidence than we can have access to. They change, if they change, on their schedule, not ours.
I hope you can keep coming back and learning all you can about alcoholism. This program is about taking care of us, too -- that's very important and that's the part we do have control over.
He asked you not to and then... Aloha Patty and such was the story of my life with my alcoholic. She asked me not to and I did it anyway. Screwing with my alcoholic didn't get her to want sobriety or get closer to it rather it got her to move farther back from me just like I was pushing her away. Al-Anon got me out of the equation by telling me to let go just like the alcoholic was telling me but the program taught me to let go and Let God. I learned to add God to the situation and to get my wishes, wants and will out of the picture.
The first step of the Al-Anon 12step program is "Admitted we were powerless..." There's more if we don't act on that believe..."and our lives had become un- managable." For me trying to manage the life and disease of my alcoholic was like taking a paid, volutary one way trip into hell. Trying to force myself and my beliefs upon someone who doesn't want them and tells me so is a shot in the foot with a very large gun. It will hurt like hell and I know because I use to do that like it was my own addiction.
Suggestion? before you go off trying to do your own solution attend open face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. You will find the hot line number in the white pages of your local telephone book; call for places and times. You are not alone there are tons of us out there and here just like you. Give the program a couple of months and then decide if you really want to do it your way. Keep coming back here too and scroll back over past post to see how others have learned. In support (((((hugs)))))
Thank you again to each and every one of you... Let me address some of your concerns:
I have considered my motives for contacting his family... I certainly do not want to come off as petty and vindictive. My intensions are good, I only wish him health, happiness and love. If I am unable to provide them, then perhaps the next person will... However, I believe that the only way this will happen is if he is sober. I have done my best.
Trying to save him... he has said repeatedly that he is "not worth saving". I have said repeatedly that he is... and he is. However, he is the only person who can achieve this. I cannot... and I know this.
He is very far away and he really does not affect my life any more. I will just leave things alone and fade away from his life, as he will fade from mine. I have expressed my concerns and feelings for him. It has been said. Again, I am going to leave it alone.
If by chance he calls drunk... I will kindly ask him to call again when he is sober. If he chooses not to, then so be it. When I visit in May, I will not attempt contact. I will leave that up to him and if he does and he has been drinking, then I will leave.
I have done all I can for him. He is the only person that can control the situation. He has a lot to offer the world, but only if he is healthy.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me to this conclusion.
Personally I see no future in contacting his family. Either they already know, or they may well deny it. Our job is to take care of us and let God do the rest. I'm sure it must be tempting for you to try to fix him, but........I didn't cause it; can't cure it; can't control it.
Just my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
My sponsor told me that if I'm not part of the problem, I'm not part of the solution. Meaning, unless it is directly my problem, it is not my job or my business to go in with guns blazing and attempt to straighten something out that has nothing to do with me. Again, this has to do with the 3 C's. If I didn't CAUSE the problem, it is not mine to fix. Attempting to fix is attempting to CONTROL or CURE, which I understand that I cannot do.
It is hard to watch someone struggling with active alcoholism, no doubt. We've all been there. But the alcoholic deserves the dignity of choosing the right time FOR HIM OR HER to seek help - and this may or may not be the time frame that others believe is ideal. When other people back off and let the alcoholic experience the consequences and pain their addiction brings about, the alcoholic is more likely to hit rock bottom and choose to get sober.
It's really hard, I know. I believe the best way is to get out of the way and let the alcoholic hit the ground without shielding the fall. Shielding the fall will only take you down.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 9th of April 2010 09:59:38 AM
