The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Which is ok as I have not had my shoulder fixed yet, pain makes it hard to sleep.
Anyway I had a horrible dream. I tend to dream in this same sorta way. Everyone who passed in my life, which is almost everyone, hates me. I mean is so disgusted and ashamed of me.
My family was very close, so it makes no sense. Even my first husband who was killed in an accident is disappointed in me. in this one he was still married to me but his girlfriend was debra.
I was emptying everything out of my "covered wagon." ?? Down to nothing, nothing I did pleased anyone. nothing I yhrew away, they did not care. I had nothing. no money no pillow, nothing.
I drive off pulling my "wagon" on a flat bed with a pony tied on??? stopped at a town and someone stole the whole thing. I woke up.
that was when I cried and felt so awful.
Do I feel some weird thing that the reason they are not here is becuz they hate me, not the fact they are dead?
What didI do to be here left alone by all my family who passed on. In reality I know i did nothing.
My life is in this weird flux place. No goals or dreams. That is not me. Yet I know and am blessed greatly in my spiritual self.
Just sometimes it is hard to compromise which I choose to do, to stay faithful to my deep beliefs.
Letting this stuff out helps. In the long run, it is all very worth it, the reason I stay faithful is for my hp.
He never promised it would be easy.But I know it is best.
(most not marrying except to ones in my own belief)
anyhooo just yakking. love,debilyn who needs to go get Fred her tortoise back in the house!
Dreams are powerful, I have very vivid dreams and sometimes I can understand what they mean to me by what is going on in my life and I also have ones that I have no clue as what they could mean, if anything.
I hate the after feeling they give you, but they can be a pathway into what is going on in your soul and your life.
The almost ex AH's disease has really damaged me in some ways. It was like the worst pain I ever knew.
In my life people treated me so kindly, probably because they thought I would break. Always been emotional. Well now I am not embarrassed by it. I am sensitive and intuitive.
When it first started I was dumbfounded. I had NO idea what was going on. I thought it was the brain tumor removal damage. It was both. His brother bless his heart, was very upset how AH treated me. He could not understand and he was a A himself though clean for many, many years and worked for the governor here in Oregon.
He would look at me and mouth, what is wrong with him, I would say oh about 100 xanax, 100 demeral....
sigh. But knowing him all my life I had seen him through everything. But now he was not only a drunk and other doper, he was mean and uncaring and a liar.
With no one that shows love to me often, I don't get to heal much. The damage is my heart.
The disease is worse than cancer as far as I am concerned. i would rather have cancer than to have gone thru what my AH and I did.
To have your soulmate, your pea in your pod disappear is so horrendous.
There are times I almost step out of this pain. Sometimes maybe I think I do.
I know what I need but it eludes me.
Been about 6 years or so of celibacy again. I don't mean just the act. That does not matter, the intimacy, closeness, caring, talking is what i miss. I love taking care of my mate and him me.
I know my dreams are my pain yelling at me. I hate me for not taking care of my needs for companianship. I go week after week alone, not talking to anyone, not even on the phone.
I used to be so happy, had family, friends.
But i love what I have and am very grateful. I have more than most. Not talking dollars either.
Anyway I appreciate your responding dream. I love you sweetie, deb
