The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a check today with my midwife and was told i was aneamic and could have diabetes due to the pregnancy. I am not suprised I feel ill, have no energy and have not been able to look after myself properly. 2 years of my partner coming and going has brought me to my knees, especially with it being the same all through this pregnancy (im 32 weeks). 7 Years clean and that doesn't seem to change the fact im suffering as much as those of you with partners actively drinking. I am beating myself up, for not pulling myself together, eating better, smoking less or not at all. The alanon meetings are helping, but i see it is a slow process and I fear the effect of my current emotional state on the baby, and how il cope when she is born. My midwife recommends I get anti-depressants and have counselling. I have booked an appointment with my Gp and contacted the counsellor. I can't seem to stop getting in touch with my cold detached ex. I feel this urge to let him know that he can't keep doing this, just leaving with every problem. I need him to realise if he stays away il not be there in the future like I have time and time again in the past. It feels like it is actually killing me the strain. I read emails from last year, where it was the same thing, him completely detaching, and blaming me for our problems, and making me out to be a slag because of male friendships I had. I found out not long ago at that time he was seeing another woman. He never mentioned that in his emails. Im desperate to make him see that he can't stay away, sleep around, then come back, and if he is sleeping with someone I wont tolerate it, but how would I know?
I feel sick. Is he with someone. I can't eat, im worried how thats affecting my baby, its making me have less energy. The more people tell me I need to eat, the worse I feel, as i just can't seem to get shopping, cooking and eating, while im so low and have such little energy.
I fear so much that once im on my feet he will come back and it will start all over again. Why do I have no willpower with this man?
My sister called yesterday and was real worried as she has never seen me like this.
How will I cope with contact for the baby. How can I stop being resentful, and nasty with hurt.
Will my health and the baby's health be real bad, before I get get back on my feet with the program working. What about the people who are beyond help?
So much fear!!!
I feel like im dumping and going on and on about the same thing. I half expect to get on all your nerves.
Maybe im mentally ill! I feel it. Talk about self pity eh?
I really don't like me, how can I expect anyone else to.
((((((Ayjay))))), Years ago while I was preganant with my middle daughter my "A" and I split. I was angry, scared, depressed, lonely and trying to cope with being on my own alone with our then 2 year old daughter and expecting another one.
The doctor I was seeing delievered my 2 year old and I chose him to deliver our second child. I really like his calmness and he was a very gentle man. I went in for a routine visit and gave them a sample to test. When he came in my room to see me I knew he was angry. He looked at me and asked me in a tone I had never heard from him before "When is the last time you have eaten"? I looked at him and told him I couldn't remember. He then very gently, but firmly, explained to me why I needed to eat. FOR MY BABY'S SAKE.
I didn't want to and sometimes I didn't eat very much, but I tried for her sake.
When a baby moves it is supposed to be a great thing for a mother to feel, but at that time I felt trapped. I was so hurt by the father and there was this part of him inside me. It really bothered me.
I took things one day at t time. I went to meetings. I remembered how precious the life I had that was inside me. I remembered that she was a part of me too and not just him. I also knew that as her mom it was my responsibility to love her and care for her to the best. I wasn't at the point where I could take care of me. I didn't want to. But I sure as heck could care for her and I did.
You need to care for you and your little one. Maybe you could call a friend and ask them to go shopping with you. I am very busy now and I spend one day really cooking and prepare for the week ahead. It really helps on those days when I come home and don't feel like cooking.
Take care of yourself.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Oh hon you would NEVER get on our nerves. That is what makes us come here. We know we are loved warts and all! Plus we all need a place we can let it all out.
I agree, do you have an ob/gyn? Myself I would want to go to an ob as they know more about what you should be taking medically. I know it has to be hard to quit smoking when you are pg. Because smokers must know how bad it is.
As far as that goes, you know what ever goes through you, goes through your baby.
I agree with you about counseling support to help you to get back where you want to be mentally. A psychiatrist can help you mentally and physically.
I cannot imagine being pg on top of the mental pain from an addict in your life!
"Im desperate to make him see" Remember all we can do is change ourselves. We cannot make anyone see anything. That desperation is wasted energy.
Hormones are all over the place in you right now. If you can, maybe when you begin thinking about the A, say stop and think about your baby and or you. Teach yourself to stop thinking about him.
You could even put in, I choose not to think about him right now. We can change our negative thoughts to positive ones. I am not saying it is easy, but its a start.
Hon no wonder you don't feel good! Lifes hard situations are much easier when we are healthy and strong.Maybe you can toss out all the bad food and drinks in your house and bring in good stuff.
100% juices, make a fruit salad of things you like then add some strawberrie daquiri juice. Get healthy type cookies, whole grain stuff, deli meat if you eat meet. cream cheese and celery, Keep only what you like that is healthy in your house.
This is all taking care of you and the kiddo.
I had to learn obsession is not love. What ever the partner does is on them not us. We have no control over them.
I promise in time this will all come to you and you will find comfort and serenity. In fact I bet you once your baby is born, all this will become so not anything you want to think about!
Keep letting it out here! I am so excited for you! love,debilyn
Read your post again. Al Anon teaches us to take one day and do our best. Don't think beyond what you can do today. No what ifs and will I be......Life is so much better this way.
Make yourself as comfy as you can each day. It is easier than thinking about it all at once.
Last night I forced down some vitamins for pregnancy with cereal and warm milk, as you cant take them on an empty stomach.
I also joined ACOH, and read a post there that made me feel a little confused at the time. It was about core pain and wounded pain. I knew I was in both, and wounded pain protects you from core pain, and it is what makes you want to manipulate and attack to control, to avoid core pain.
I woke up this morning and cried. I allowed myself to go beyond the wounded pain which is about my ex, and I cried from core pain. It felt good in a weird way. I didnt want to lash out at him, in fact I felt I needed to make the most of the space of him not being around, to get to that core pain.
I am at rock bottom, and in some sense admitting that is what I know I need to do. I try so hard to stay strong with all the pain the relationship brings, that I just stay in this wounded pain.
I am not strong, I am on my knees and I think that admitting that to myself, may just help me have the strength to keep him at arms length, if/when he does decide he has had his fun and wants to come back.
I have bonded with my baby already, and will force myself to eat, for the baby and my own sake. I will be at the doctors on Saturday and I will accept medication on a temporary basis. I will go to my counselling next Thursday, and I will keep going to my f2f alanon meetings and on here and on ACOH.
Again thank you so much.
When I get through this, I look forward in joining you all. At the moment I just feel like a lech.
I told my midwife about Alanon and how its helping. They seemed impressed and felt more women may benefit if I can get them some information. In helping myself, il look forward to helping others one day.
I will get there one day, and thanks, it will be by taking one step and one day at a time. Starting today.
Aloha Ayjay...just a mild suggestion...allows us to love and support you as you go thru this and grow. Al-Anon shoulders are wide and the ones here have held up weight beyond mention. You are not alone and if you keep coming back... will never be alone again. (((hugs)))
On our nerves? Heck no. We are here for you and that little one growing inside you.
My experience isn't exactly like yours, but somewhat similar.
My daughter is now 17 (almost 18!!!!). When I was pregnant at 20/21, unwed, her father never stepped up, I was a mess. I finally got out of denial (no choice there), but never really enjoyed being pregnant. Put it this way, no one but my doctor ever touch my stomach. No one, not even me, enjoyed or had fun during this miracle. I was wracked with guilt, embarrassed, ashamed and terrified at the thought of being a mother.
Now, 18 years later, and everyday since then, I wish I had enjoyed it. It was one of the most precious times of my life and I missed the whole thing. I was focused on "him" not stepping up, on me screwing up. I let all the surrounding BS take away from something truly magical. I never got to experience it again. I have wanted another baby since that time but never had the opportunity. Now at 40 with an adult child, I am pretty much done. That is hard to accept.
At 32 weeks you don't have much time left. Any way you could convince yourself to just set the drama aside for a little bit and enjoy what time is left? I know that sounds impossible, and well may be. But if I could turn back the clock I sure would do things differently. The drama will be there after she is born. THEN you will be too tired to worry about the drama from all the Mommy'ing you are going to be doing .
This truly is a gift and should shine bright enough to make all other things in life dull in comparison.
Just my take. No expectations - the way some people hurt us and how we feel about it is out of our control and I completely understand that. Just giving you my hindsight, which is always 20/20 .
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Thursday 8th of April 2010 04:52:39 PM
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
It is really amazing how deep the affects of this disease go.
I had a wake-up call about a month ago when I had some blood tests done because I had gained 15 pounds in the last two years and since the beginning of this year, despite eating healthy and exercising, my body's refusing to drop the weight.
I found I'm borderline hypothyroid, my progesterone levels are extremely low, and my cortisol levels are shot. I've been diagnosed with Adrenal Fatigue, which, mind you, is not a popularly-supported diagnoses by western medicine, so take what you like and leave the rest. In essence Adrenal Fatigue is caused by long periods of unrelenting stress, such as having a stressful job with a boss that makes unrealistic demands, being under the stress of armed combat, etc... and not surprisingly, living in a bad marriage where there is abuse or addiction problems.
In normal healthy function, the adrenal glands produce cortisol. Everyone starts their day off with a certain amount and then their bodies work through the amount of cortisol throughout the day as they deal with typical stresses. When you go to sleep and achieve deep sleep - the sleep that goes beyond REM, your body starts to regenerate the cortisol and you start of fresh and new the next morning.
I've been sleeping horribly for the last couple years - having way more nights having a difficult time falling asleep or staying asleep than I can ever recall having. I'm not getting quality sleep, I've been stressed with the alcoholism and the result is my body is starting the day of with levels of cortisol that most people end their days with.
I don't want to go on and start sounding like a hypochondriac. I'm now working with my physician on solutions, herbal and so on. This IS something I can recover from. A biggie for me is using progesterone cream because progesterone has a big impact on your moods. When women experience moodiness with PMS, it's because of low progesterone levels. A severe example of bottomed-out progesterone levels are when some women experience post-partum depression.
The whole point of my post is that I've found it's important to find out what's going on with me physically. I really do want to strive for some balance in my life, physically, emotionally and spiritually. If my body's way out of whack physically, it can make it hard to keep balance emotionally and spiritually, too. Think of it like a three-legged stool. You take one leg away and it can't stand on its own.
With the knowledge of what's going on with me physically, I can start taking measures to help my body out - however one of the biggest contributing factors to my condition is stress. The biggest stressor in my life right now is this alcoholic marriage. Al-Anon has been helping me tremendously - I can't imagine what shape I'd be in without it right now. But knowing I've been working the steps and attending Al-Anon as well as professional counseling and that my body is this impacted, I may have to take further actions where my marriage is concerned.
Hope you can find inner peace and calm in preparation for the arrival of your little miracle. Cosy up on the sofa, put some gentle music on, listen to your body and feel that little baby loving you from within.
Ness I am on my sofa right now feeling pretty calm and peaceful. I have been working all week and im pretty exhausted. I work in the substance misuse field as a project worker/counsellor and it can be draining.
I am loving all the hugs off you guys! :D
Aloha I am sorry to hear you are feeling the physical strain of stress also. It does need balance, mind body and spirit. I will get that at some point, it sounds like you are tweaking that balance right too xx
Tlcate I can relate to your post so much, having two sons aged 15 and 20. I wanted another baby, mainly because I feel I missed out on appreciating them as much as I could, due to being young and going through a tough time with their selfish Fathers. In fact it may be your reminder of that that has got me on my feet more today? I am determined to enjoy this pregnancy. I love feeling my little girl move. Half of me is very impatient to meet her and the other half of me is glad I have some time to set up counselling and start some work on myself, to help me get as well as possible for when she is here and I can hold her.
One of my good, close friends rang tonight, we can at times go for months not speaking, but always know each other is there. We have a lot in common as her Mother is alcoholic, so we carry some of the effects of that disease. I was telling her how I kind of feel that by having a little girl, after two boys, makes me feel like I am healing myself and the little girl still inside me (my inner child not the baby) that was starved of love and affection at times. I think im telling you this, because I feel so lucky to have a good friend. She is going to be my birthing partner. She rang because she knows im going through a tough time, that means a lot to me right now.
It is magical, and I feel so touched that somehow, I can see that through all the chaos. Maybe this is me starting to feel guided by some higher power at last? I have been so bloody self sufficient, learning and fixing myself. Well coming here feels like it is reaching the parts I could not reach myself, like a back scratcher haha.
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