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I havent been here in awhile, but I wanted to share the following, cause even though we are divorced I suppose this still affects me and the kids.
On February 4, 2010 my X moved back to the small island he was raised on, this after he was arrested and had his license suspended at the end of January for a DUI, after he told me he screwed up and should have never left and after his so called girlfriend broke up with him. He moved to get sober and get his life together, we all knew it wouldn't happen.
On March 27, 2010 he misjudged a turn on private property and flipped the veichle over the embankment, yes he had been drinking. He was airlifted to the hospital where he was told he was one lucky SOB to be alive, and that he is about one drink away from his own demise. He has not had a drink since March 28, 2010, ten days sober, he is in AA three times a week and attends IC once a week. He has alot of issues to deal with and a very long road ahead of him. He asked if I would believe in him that he can do this, I told him I hope for his sake and the sake of his relationship with his 4 kids he gets and stays sober.
I know now I didn't loose him to another woman I lost him to alcohol, he now wants to come and visit for the weekend, and he has asked if he can stay at my house on the couch, nothing more than friends. What he did leaving us for another woman (named alcohol in the end) sucks, but that was 27 months ago, he is still the father of my kids, a hotel would cost him 300 bucks for two nights. Is it wrong to be able to be friends with him and allow him to spend a weekend under my supervision with his kids?
There is no getting back together he has already asked and I have said no, he needs to get and stay sober at least a year before (if ever) I would even entertain that thought and I've told him that, (before you say anything I know a year isnt long, but thats his goal right now one day at at time, but as far as anything between us minimum a year sober)
Is there anything wrong ? no there isnt but its going to be difficult , it could give him false hope of a reconciliation keep making it perfectly clear that is not an option and i would suspect it will be difficult to have a friendship after the dust settles , but he is the father of your children so its important . I truly wish u the best and hope u don' find it too difficult . He is only 10 days sober not long really in the grand scheme of things stay focused and detach with love and keep your expectations low . take care of you .
Thank you, I have absolutely no expectations of him. He knows there is no hope of reconcillation, I've told him if he cant handle that he can't come. There will be no alcohol in my home, and I will not stop on the way to get some. I told him I will no longer engage in conversation if he drinks he is not welcome to call my house, if he does I will not answer. Sober I hope he is a great father and human, no 10 days is not long, oddly its like meeting someone new for the first time, I have no idea what he is like sober, I know what he is like without a drink for a couple of hours, I know what he is like hungover but not 10 days sober.
In my experience early sobriety is a very hard time, for others as well as for the drinker. Friendly detachment -- which might include him staying at a hotel -- might be easier to handle (for him as well as for you) than a night on your sofa. Remember not to feel guilty about $300 for two nights in a hotel. (No motel cheaper than $150 a night where you live?) The problem is his responsibility, like all the things that led up to it. His fall doesn't need to be cushioned. I don't know of too many partners of A's who were too detached -- usually the other way around. So that's something to think about. My other experience of early sobriety is that relapses are common. What would you do if you realized he was drinking when staying in your house? It might not happen, but you need to be ready with a plan in case it does. That's my experience.
I agree Mattie, but he has no veichle, there will be no alcohol in my house, and if he brings it with him he wont get into my car. He has alot of proving to do, and so much more to loose than he has already, this is his responsibility I know, but how do I tell my kids they can never see their father cause he can't afford a hotel
My first thought is the kids. I know if it were me and my brothers we would have trouble having him leave again.
Abbyal is so right. Ten days is HUGE, yet it is nothing too. Dangerous time. As much as you say you are not going to get involved, it is so hard in reality. when the man you loved pops out.
Addiction is called cunning for a reason. It takes us all in, including the kids.
All in all it is totally up to you. I myself don't believe in the right and wrong of it. It is more what influence could it cause and would it hurt more to say no or to chance it not being a positive experience.
He left over two years ago, so that all aside, I"m indifferent, I have no trust in him as a spouse, etc. But I also don't want my kids growing up seeing that mom never let them see dad, because dad couldn't afford it, etc. No its not my responsibility, and the kids know that on Sunday dad leaves to go home. The councellor we all saw said to follow the kids lead, they may want to see him, then they may go for awhile and not want to see him. I do however feel better knowing I"d be there then let him be unsupervised with the kids especially after what has just taken place.
The man I did love died January, 2008. That's when he left. I was told you can like the person but hate the disease,
Absolutely nothing wrong or sideways with your decision making and I think you are soooo aware and using the awareness and experience for good decision making. I was taught in Al-Anon that "No" was a complete sentence and when said with love it was also very supportive so I practiced that with my alcoholic wife sometimes against my own will and she and I lived thru it. I did relapse once with it and said yes and the whole thing unwound like a tight spring. Geeez Louise I'm glad for Al-Anon being there for me. Keep coming back; its working so keep working it. (((((hugs)))))
One day at a time right! I was thinking on the way home, everyone says I"m so levelheaded, I have good judgement, so why then when it comes to this do they all jump down my throat???? I"m not an idiot, I"m well aware of his illness and the current state he is in. If this does not go well it will be the last time, but I owe it to my kids to see their dad for the first time since January. This will only be the second time this year they have seen him
I want to apologize sincerely if it seems as if I was jumping down your throat -- everyone's situation is different, of course, and you know better than anyone can what yours is. I didn't mean to suggest that you were doing anything foolhardy; I was coming from my own place, with experiences that don't apply to everyone, and no doubt a lot of bias. It sounds as if you have a good awareness of the many issues that can always arise. I didn't realize that your A couldn't afford the hotel; I thought it might be that he just didn't want to. So that makes the situation different, of course. Hope all goes well for all of you!
I can empathize with you and your situation. My ExA had a serious accident complete with brain damage, multiple broken bones, his face was crushed and had to be rebuilt surgically. Of course, after 6 months he has decided to drink again despite attending AA. Healthy detachment takes on many different forms for each of us- Consider what 'healthy detachment' means to you and set your boundaries. It will make this time easier for all of you. My prayers are with you.
I wasn't referring to you at all!!! I was referring to people in my personal circle LOL. I get where everyone is coming from because believe me if I had a friend going thru this I'd be the first one to say "what the hell are you thinking" LOL.
But at the end of the day he is still the father of my children, and I can't change that, and when they are old enough to make their own decisions wether they wish to see him or speak to him thats fine, but for now I have to be the one to make that decision for them to a extent, and I am their only protector, and even if that means protecting them from their dad to an extent. Like I've said before "I wont keep him from his kids, but I will protect them from him" and right now he is not responsible enough because of alcohol to have them on his own. I hated when I would have to drop them off at his house, fortunately I was friends with his upstairs neighbour and she always kept an eye on him and the kids for me.
Whatever decision you make, it has to be your own choice.
Only you know what your boundaries are and how you would handle it.
The thing that bothered me was your subject read "He finally hit rock bottom literally" . Actually its not up to us to decide if they have hit bottom or not. Nobody knows what their bottom is. To us it might appear that if it were us, we would stop the drinking. Don't forget that they don't think like normal people.
You said you have no expectation of him and thats good. Remember that you can still set your boundaries of what you will do for him and what you wont. I know he is in a vulnerable situation, but you can set the ground rules, even to how long he will stay.
It all boils down to you. He will always be your childrens Father, that will never change.
Please keep coming back and let us know how our doing, stick to the tools of the program and your HP. Wishing you strength, courage and hope. Bettina
He did hit rock bottom, literally he flipped his van down an embankment. I have decided to let him stay he will be coming around 7ish tomorrow night and he leaves on Sunday. He sleeps on the couch, fortunately I have a three level home so he has no reason to come up past the kitchen.
Saturday the kids and I have a busy day, so he can do what he is coming to town to do and then tag along.
