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About a month ago, my A stopped drinking for about 4 days (which isnt unusual after a binge). I realized how much happier in life I was when he wasnt drinking. I talked to him about it and how it wasnt only taking over his life but mine and our son's as well. Oh, and we have another baby on the way. I didnt let him just sit there like usual and not say anything. So we finally had a good conversation about it and (i think) he kinda saw it threw my eyes for a little bit. I knew he wasnt going to stop forever though, eventually he would really want a beer. And, of course, the next day it started. He starts by mentioning to me how much he would really like a beer and how much he deserves one. Ya see, he works all day and I stay home with our son, and he does work real hard and long hours, and we are very fortunate because of that. Then after he tells me how much he wants one, I have to remind him again why he's not drinking (if not for him, then for us). Finally after a few days of pleading and me knowing how this was gonna end up, I have an idea. A limit, but unlike any other limit we've set before because verbal limits go down the drain once he's gotten to a certain point. A contract ! A written contract! And I knew that because he loved me so much he would at least hear my idea. So we talked about it and he agreed. The contract is only for a month and then it's renewed -for him or against him- depending on how he does. For now we settled at the agreement 1) 8 beers a night max. 2) He doesnt have a limit on special occasions but special occasions do not include friends coming over to hang out. 3) All exceptions are approved by me (his wife). And if the contract is broken, he will have to quit until an another agreement can be reached. Of course, there is a lot more to it, it's a whole page worth. But i just wanted to give you an idea. After he signed, initialled, and printed his name- I thanked him and told him how much it meant to me, that he would do this for me. And that by him even attempting this, it shows me how much he really does care about how this affects us too. I'm not saying this will work for everyone, because i'm sure not all A's would be willing to sign a contract, but for those who think they might have a willing participant, i urge you to try this. My A's contract is up on Thursday, and we have already been talking about another agreement that we will both be comfortable with. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
although i can really appreciate your efforts to stop your husband from drinking, if he is truly an alcholic, he will not be able to stick to it for an extended period of time. don't be disappointed when this happens.
learn more about the disease of alcoholism. Get to some open AA meetings and listen to the speakers. Read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous......especially the Chapter on The Doctor's Opinion. It states....that Alcoholism is a disease. It is a mental obsession combined with a physical allergy. Meaning, they obsess over having a drink, and then when they do are physically unable to stop at one as a chemical reaction changes the chemistry of the brain.
his promises are sincere. his desire to control his drinking is as sincere as yours. unfortunately, he will be unable to control his drinking forever if he is alcoholic. ( without the help of AA)
my A tried many experiments in his quest to become a social drinker. he tried the 2 beer experiment, the wine experiment, the hash experiment, the marijuana maintainence plan (his term :)_ , the beer and shooter experiment etc, etc, etc. that was his insanity. it took coming to a realization that he could not control his drinking on his own no matter what he did to realize he had a problem. he hit an absolute spiritual bottom at that point and crawled to AA.
my insanity was trying to control his drinking. this led me to many experiments too. arrange his schedule so that he has to pick up the kids after work (he didn't drink in front of the kids), hide his stash, take his credit cards etc., etc, etc. it took coming to a realization that i could not control his drinking no matter what i did to realize i had a problem. I hit an absolute spiritual bottom at that point and crawled to Alanon.
that took us both to these rooms.
read Step 1. it says..........."We admitted we were powerless over alcohol............that our lives had become unmanageable. " The step is identical for both AA and Alanon.
Get to lots of Alanon meetings and you will come to understand what this step means. and then there are 11 more on the path to serenity.
i wish you much luck and blessings with the new baby on the way. keep coming back..........
Hi kimmie. I'm glad to hear that you are still able to talk openly and honestly with your husband, and that you've had a bit of a respite from the craziness.
There is a reason, though, that alanon tells us to focus on ourselves, rather than the A. Most of us have found, through sad experience, that being so deeply involved with our A's drinking decisions, counting drinks, being the one who does or does not give 'permission' to drink - none of this works very well in the long run. This is a progressive disease, and eventually our A's would break their promises. After all, if it were just a question of self control and love for us, there would not be a problem. This is a disease - a physical, mental and spiritual disease, and all the love and promises in the world won't change that. The only way most of us can find serenity while living with an A is to focus on ourselves, love the A, enjoy him when possible, and limit the damage that we allow him to do to us.
All that said, I bet it feels good to have a break. It is so hard to keep any perspective when the A is getting plowed every night, keeping you up all night with either ranting and raving, or worrying about where he is. Your contracts might work for quite a while, and you can use this time to catch your breath, get some rest, and reconnect with him, remember why you loved him in the first place.
No more than 8 beers a night? No limit on special occasions? Sounds to me like hubby has a carte' blanche ticket to drink!! He's got to be in alcoholic heaven!!
Kimmie, making these kinds of "agreements" with an alcoholic is futile. How would it have gone down if you had handed him a "contract" demanding no drinking at all, and 2 beers on a "special occasion", that occasion to be determined by you? He got the gold mine Kimmie; you got the shaft.
So sorry, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
That would be Heaven for my A too Diva...56 beers a week!!! (8x7) Is that a restriction? My A doesn't drink 8 beers a night anyway. 5-6 sends him in to oblivian, and me walking the other way. But that probably has more to do with the timeframe he tries to drink them in. I've listened to my A make his own deals with himself. "I'm only going to have 2 a night" etc. It never lasts. More recently, he attempted to stop drinking, I had nothing to do with the decision. He did well for a few days, then gradually.."just one"..then 3, then loss of control.... He chooses not to get help or go to AA. Not my problem.
What I can do is change what I do. I don't have to sit here while he drinks. I don't have to go to his alcoholic friend's parties. I don't have to be with him when he is drinking and be embarrassed in public. I don't have to do a damn thing I don't want to do. All I have to do is take care of me. If I'm up his butt worrying about what he does, how many he drinks, where he is....it automatically puts me at a level that I fight to be free of. I no more have control over him or what he does then he has control over me. If he tried to control what I do, I'd be very resentful, then laugh in his face. I assume, he has to feel the same when the situation is vice-versa.
What I have learned from past attempts at control is that an A is then is forced to lie about how many he has drank and where he has been if he can't fit in to "the rules".
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Dear Kimmie, you are in DENIAL big time. If you think that a contract will stop and alcoholic or addict from using. I am not trying to be harsh with you. But I have been down this road before.
When my hubby was using I had my lawyer set up a post nuptial agreement. It was set up in stages and conditional on his use. Similar in to what you are doing by saying that he can have XXX number of beers per night. In my agreement the final stage would have been divorce and basically loss of all assets. What happened was that this served as a wake up call for him but it did notstopor slow him from using.
What I learned from this is:-
1) the alcoholic/addict must find his own bottom with any of my meddling in his business.
2) alcohlics lie through their teeth and will say or sign anything just so they can keep drinking and using
3) most importantly that my happiness is not based on what the "A" does or does not do.
4) I am a person in my own right with my own wants, needs, and desires and it is up to me to fulfill those things NOT THE "A"
5) I learned what reality is he is an alcoholic/addict and will be one for the rest of his natural life.
You mention some of the details about your contract:
"The contract is only for a month and then it's renewed -for him or against him- depending on how he does. For now we settled at the agreement 1) 8 beers a night max. 2) He doesnt have a limit on special occasions but special occasions do not include friends coming over to hang out. 3) All exceptions are approved by me (his wife). And if the contract is broken, he will have to quit until an another agreement can be reached."
There are several problems with this contract:
You say he can have 8 beers a night. What are you going to do if he has 9 beers? and then 10? and more?
He has no limit on special occaisons? Great so when you go out or to a wedding or party he will take full advantage of his "no limit clause". So instead of being drunk at home he will be drunk at a social gathering.
The biggest problem that I see with this contract is the following:
"3) All exceptions are approved by me (his wife). And if the contract is broken, he will have to quit until an another agreement can be reached."
No offense but who are you to set limits on another human being? You are playing God as a result of your denial.
In all of this you have not mentioned what you are going to do for you. Your focus is skewed to the faults of the alcoholic/addict and not on making yourself a better person and fulfilling your own goals.
Are you going to go to meetings, working the steps, seeking therapy? What are you doing for you?
By setting conditions and terms up for the alcoholic you are setting yourself up for a big dissapointment. I hope and pray that you have a sponsor and a strong network to cushion you when your expectations don't pan out.
Please learn that the focus of Al-Anon is on you not the Alcoholic/Addict.
I am sorry if my words offend you but you have to deal in reality and the reality is that alcoholics/addicts will be alcoholics/addicts for life. Forever. In Al-Anon we learn this and how to live with this fact.
Not to leave you on a sour note there is hope for both of you. You have to work your own Program and he has to find his bottom and work his own program. From there you will have some kind of base to work with.
My A and I have been married almost 7 years, he was clean and sober when we got married, because I would have never married him if he wasn't. He stayed that way for almost 1 1/2 years. I have worked at a treatment center for the last year and a half, I see just about everything. My A would never seek help for his drinking because part of denial is to "protect" his right to drink.
He is in a controlled drinking state right now. The first of the year brought the promise of no more alcohol in the house. Then March came around and well "he never said he wouldn't have alcohol in the house forever." Then there was the deal of drinking only after work on Fridays with his buddies, until around 8 or so, and on Sundays when he golfs. Those nights become later and later, golfing now takes from 9 or 10 in the morning until 8 or 9 at night. I get frustrated as he can "schedule" and "plan" his drinking but I don't really fit into his schedule.
I have started doing more with friends and family. I don't want to hang out in bars or with his friends all getting drunk. I hate the hurt that the broken promises cause me and the children.
It's hard to help yourself but I have foud "Co-dependent No More" good reading along with my "Language of Letting Go" both by Melody Beatty.
Good Luck and try to start taking care of you, Hugs Mary
There still is a light at the end of the tunnel. Alanon helps us to gain serenity whether or not the alcoholic is drinking or not. My total happiness cannot be based upon whether my husband stays sober the rest of his life. He could relapse next year, next month, next week. I can only take life one day at a time.
My father still drinks and I need to remind myself I cannot let that cloud my serenity.
I hate this disease. I wish it were that simple. They need to quit for themselves. I believe your husband loves you, that is not the question. He is sick.
You know, you deserve good things for yourself. "Staying home with children" is WORK! My husband finally realized this when I gave him a typical daily schedule I had in taking care of the baby, including the time of each for everything I did. In going back to work, that was a piece of cake as had 2 breaks and a lunch break. My husband figured this out when he took care of the kids when I worked 2nd shift.
Diva if you think that 8 beers a night is heaven to an alcoholic, then you dont know an alcoholic. to my husband 8 beers is nothing. he wants so badly to come home and relax with a beer and i know that he wont stop until he passes out. the contract allows him to come home and relax and also lets me relax because i know he wont get drunk on 8 beers. i dont feel like i got the shaft at all, it was my idea and obviously from my board message, it has been working for now. i'm well aware that it wont work forever, but it is now and my husband is trying. dont knock it.
Well Christy, i am sorry for you that your A only needs 5-6 to get drunk, you are lucky. your grocery bills must be hardly anything. but my husband can have 8 and not even be barely buzzed. the 8 a night deal works great for us and i know it wont last forever but it's working great right now. dont assume everyone's A has the tolerance that yours does. I can have 6 beers and be barely buzzed.
