I am Lyn... I am new to all this and really hurting right now - Al-Anon Family Group

LynW · Newbie

I am Lyn... I am new to all this and really hurting right now

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. It has to be the hardest thing when it is our child who is so sick.

He is the only one that can take care of himself. We are totally powerless over it.

"Getting Them Sober," Toby Rice Drew is what I grabbed and read at the beginning of my intro to my AH's disease. It taught me so much. Canadian guy up at he top of the message board is happy to send you one.

Al Anon will be a life saver for you if you choose to stay. We do understand and relate.

Your son has a horrble disease. Does not make him a bad person anymore than if he had MS. Trouble is, we learn we have to let go and do nothing. To take them in or try to save them monetarily or whatever makes the disease worse.

If he knew how bad you feel, it would make him feel all the more guilty. So it is ok, very ok for you to do for you what you need. You are hurt by the disease too. This disease takes everyone down around it.

So for you to take care of you is what you will find Al Anon is all about. For me I stuck to basic survival. It changed my life.

I get up, take a shower, even though I took one the night before. It just makes me feel good. Drink water, eat a healthy low to no fat bf. Make myself head out to the barn and feed the horses and the rest. After awhile keeping busy at what I love, the other stuff gets stuck further back.

I nap when I need to,cry when I need to. Watch shows that make me laugh, Frasier, My Big Life with Kirstie Alley just cracks me up! AFV can always make me laugh. I give myself the gift of laughter, which heals me.

Sometimes nothing seems like it sounds good, uno?For me sometimes I just have to accept it is a hard day and go with it. Not fight it. It is ok to be depressed. I may plant a few flowers even though it does not feel well it does not feel! but I do what I used to like.

I have two grown kids too. They are not A's but have gone thru some tough times I would have loved to take away for them. But my stepping back and just letting them know I am here, helped them to find their own solutions and om gosh I am so proud of them.

It is so hard to not run out and try to save them.

I put my almost ex AH in my hp's hands. My hp is the creator. Had to imagine him in that big hand, in a fetal position in hps palm. After awhile it became natural to do so.

In the frequentily asked questions on top of the board, it will help you to find an Al Anon meeting near you. I encourage you to go. They love new members as we do here. We need you too.

I am here for you, I care, we all do. It is ok to love YOU. hugs,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lynn

I would like to add my welcome to the MIP Board. I truly understand the pain you describe and know that you will find help here and at Alanon meetings in your community.

PLease understand that your son has a terrible disease that you did not cause, cannot control, and cannot cure. I know how heart breaking it is to watch your son suffer. You can find help for your anxiety,sadness and fear in the rooms of alanon.

Both AA and Alanon are spiritual programs and not religious programs.  We urge new members to keep an open mind and they will find help.

It is impportant for family members to relearn how to "Focus on Themselves, Live One Day at A Time, Break the Isolation caused by this disease and Find a belief in a Higher Power.

There are meetings held here 2xs a day and the chat room is open 24/7.  Check out the white pages of the telephone directory for alanon intergroup Call and they will direct you to meetings in your community.

Please keep coming back

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

hello and welcome , please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself u need support from people who understand exactly how uare feeling and will share with you their own experiences with you .. this is just too hard to fight alone .
AA will take care of him if he lets it -- AA is not a religious program it is a spiritual program and my husb used the same excuse to NOT attend for along time , he is a agnostic and has been sober for a long time thanks to AA and the fellowship , encourage your son to keep going and find a sponsor , who will work with him ... You cannot keep your son sober ,regardless of what u do or say , the best way for me to support thier efforts at sobriey is to have my own program so I can learn all I can about this disease- alcoholics call this disease cunning baffling and powerful .
Your son will continue to find reasons to not get help until he comes to terms with the fact that he cannot do this alone .and for most men that is difficult . I will think of u both tonite and pray he continues on his path of sobriety .. Please find help for yourself .

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I know its painful and hurts us to see our loved ones in the grip of this disease.

We feel so helpless because nothing we can do will make the A stop the one thing that is killing him and killing us, the wives, the Mothers, the Husbands, the families.

Thats what Al-anon is about helping the family members of an alcoholic. You say that your son is a good person, so was my x alcoholic husband. You say your son feels bad, but not bad enough to stop the drinking.

Right now I hope you will go to a f2f Al-anon meeting and continue to come back and share with us all you are going thru.

In Al-anon you will learn the tools of the program and you will learn to get out of your son's way and let him fall. Thats what you need to do for him and yourself.
Until he is ready to stop, he won't. Learn to trust that your son has a HP, and so do you. I wish you strength, hope and courage. Bettina

DreamXL · Senior Member

Lyn welcome and so glad you found us. :) this cunning and baffling disease has no mercy on the wonderful human beings it touches..the addicted ones or family and loved ones. Learning about addiction has helped me tremendously. Alanon will give you the tools you need and you will find the love and support you need also. Please keep coming back..blessings :)

LynW · Newbie

Thank you...you are all so kind. I have to be honest and admit that it is not in my nature to step back and let him fall.... I want to help him. It will be very hard for me ...in fact right now it seems impossible for me.... to just watch him spiral downwards. I think it is going to kill me before it kills him.

He is struggling with the concept of the HP in AA. Can anyone explain to me or point me toward somewhere that elaborates on this? If he doesn't choose God as his hp what are some other options? He is a very practical person and it all seems very abstract to him...

I am going to look for the "Getting Them Sober" book. Any other materials that you all have found very helpful?
I am not having much luck finding a local group to join that meets when I can get there so for now I am going to read...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lynn
I understand that you want to help your son as did I and everyone in alanon It was hard to hear that the best help we can give to our loved ones who suffer is to take care of ourselves.

The truth is that we do not know how to help the alcoholic AA does!!! Other alcoholics who have walked in their shoes can go where we cannot . What we do to help often hurts more than it helps Hard to hear I know

I would like to point out that belief in God is not necessary My sponser sugggested that a Higher Power could be anything outside myself that I could trust.
I choose the rooms of alanon and the tools presented to me These tools and the meetings were stronger than I .For many years the program and the tools were my Higher Power.

Your Son can do likewise. AA is a power greater than he is They have the answers that have worked for millions.

You can purchase alanon literature here on the web site, at meetings or on amazon. Great alanon books are: Alanon How it Works, Courage to Change, Paths to Recovery or the 12 Steps and 12 Staditions.

This is the alanon World Service Web Site and has much recovery alanon literature

http://www.qis.net/~alanon/literature/justfortoday.php

You are not alone in this and alanon tools will help you with ths pain.

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 6th of April 2010 09:03:48 AM

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 6th of April 2010 09:08:47 AM

lacewing · Veteran Member

Hello to you, and welcome to Al-Anon! smile

I too, struggled with the concept of Higher Power when I first stepped through the doors of this wonderful program. I found myself remembering the 'God of my understanding' from my Roman Catholic upbringing - and it scared me to think that THAT God would help me, as he was an angry God, who taught us that if we were not as perfect as we could/should be...we would burn in hell, end up in purgatory and have to hear sermons of how NOT to be - instead of comfort, compassion and love.

When I began to question what a Higher Power was for others...I found a vast number of Al-Anon members had the same feelings I did....so I delved further in my quest to learn what I should do, in order for me to work my program.

I have an AA friend - who talking at length about his subject with me. She informed me that her HP was her Harley Davidson Motorcycle...when things were just too tough to cope with - she would go for a ride....the breeze in her hair, the sights she was able to see - the freedom to go as far as she wanted - brought her calm, serenity and a clearing of all the 'stuff' that was ambling around in her head prior to her ride to 'nowhere'. She was able to 'forget for awhile' while driving around. As time moved on for her...she was able to fashion a better understanding of what she began to learn HP was all about....through AA (Not Al-Anon) - and her concepts of a HP became more of a spiritual belief.

Another two friends, chose the rooms, and the people in AA and in Al-Anon. They gave them the courage to keep coming back, to listen and stop talking so they could hear the concepts that were being used by others. Both felt that strength was in numbers and the people they met at AA and Al-Anon were so much stronger than they were at the time. I too, have used the rooms, the face to face (f2f) meetings, the people in them, the shares, the hugs, love, compassion and understanding of the wonderful people that had been in program for so much longer than I and has survived....

I have also used my daughter as my Higher Power...NO - she could not fix what was wrong, nor could she even suggest ideas for my troubles...but she was someone who I needed to focus on in order for her to also be safe, fed, clothed, taught, and loved. My daughter was my first Higher Power - and in some ways, she still is...because I cannot take care of HER to the best of my ability - unless I was taking care of ME in the process - for us both to be 'better than' we were...and for us to be continuing on a path of a 'safer' result. smile

Since my path has lead me to much understanding, recovery and calm....my Higher Power has become much bigger than all of the above. It is a spiritual belief that something out there much bigger, stronger, understanding in all this 'crap' and 'good', and has the strength to carry me, my troubles, issues, fears, confusion, wants, needs and blessings....one situation, one minute, one day, one problem, one smile, one resolve.....etc. at a time. smile

We do not have to believe in the concepts that we were taught as children....all we have to do is keep our minds open to the possibilities that there ARE solutions - there ARE understandings, and there ARE wonderful tools and resources as well as people....to help us get through - each and every day, and issue ... that we are faced with through this terrible disease.

Also, one of the things that allowed me to keep coming back, and not giving up and feeling totally helpless with the disease as it stood in my relationships was - I am no professional in this disease...I do NOT have the answers, nor the strengths to find them so readily on my own....I had to remember that others have 'been where I am now'....and with their help and strengths....they, as well as my blank slate of a mind....would guide me to where I needed to be.

May you find the strength, experience and comfort you need through our programs...one day at a time.

fingersxd · Member

Hi Lyn. I am relatively new to this site and have a sister in the same position as your son ... so know exactly what you are going through and wish you and your son all the very best. xxxx

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I've lived around alcoholics most of my life, well all of it really. I had significant relationships with them for most of it. Al anon changed the way I process those relationships.

The alcoholic's denial is incredible. Lifting that denial doesn't necessarily come from direct confrontation. I think sometimes people have to hit a bottom. For some people there is no bottom.

I've spent much of my life trying to persuade alcoholics about what they were doing. Those actions caused me immense heart ache. These days I don't do that. Of course I also don't deny where they are going if they continue drinking either.

The process in front of you is formidable. If your son stops drinking its tough, if he doesn't its tough too.

Your recovery will no doubt influence your son. When you stop holding all the worry, guilt and fear he may have to feel some of it.

Maresie.

LynW · Newbie

I thank all of you so much. I want to take some time to read these posts carefully, and I also received some private messages that I need to read. I appreciate that you all took the time to welcome me and give me some feedback. I am feeling more hopeful tonight...

saltire · Member

Hi Lyn
just read your post and the replies and your last comment on the feeling one gets after having contact with fellows from Al-Anon is spot on!
I haven't been to a meeting for some time now but always felt so much better afterwards listening and joining in conversation with my fellows.
Likewise on M.I.P. website here, the replies are always heartfelt and genuine and I feel better having read replies to my posts.
Also, I know myself in your words"not in my nature" to try and do some things the 12 step program asks of us but I do remember people saying to me, "take what you want and leave the rest behind", meaning that you should get what you want out of the meetings - sorry if that sounds as clear as mud but perhaps one of the senior members could maybe see what I'm writing and try explain the line clearer for you.
All the best,
Saltire.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lyn, just want to add my welcome to you.

You said....... I have to be honest and admit that it is not in my nature to step back and let him fall.... I want to help him. It will be very hard for me ...in fact right now it seems impossible for me.... to just watch him spiral downwards.I think it is going to kill me before it kills him.

I too have an A son, he is 33. As Mothers we want to protect and make it all better, if our child is hurting we feel the pain. I tried for years to fix and control his disease, to stop the downward spiral only to end up demented and sick myself.....I had reached the stage where I didnt think the disease would kill me I knew it would. My son became my main focus.........all my family and friends were sidelined, I shut down my business I was too ill to run it..........I was consumed by the madness of it all.........the disease ruled.

They call the disease of alcoholism Cunning Baffling and Powerful, and it surely is.

Today Ive had just over a year in Alanon, my son has his disease in his own hands and I am reclaiming my life. Slow work in progress!!

As well as Alanon literature I find the following has helped me a lot http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ and also the book Under the Influence by Dr James Millam.

Hope you keep coming back.

In support

((((Ness))))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.