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Hello! I always get such good advice, wisdom and a feeling of peace on these boards that I wanted to share something that has been bothering me involving my Abf-sober's ex-gf. Recently I have been posting alot about both my and my bf working our programs, treating each other gently, communicating more. I caught him in a lie the other week and after coming here for ESH decided he did react based on my old reactions and gave him the benefit of the doubt. We are growing both seperately and as a couple. Handing it all over to my HP has been the most freeing, best decision of my life. It's not perfection, but it's a heck of a lot of progress!
OK, my dilemma. I have always gotten along with my bf's one ex--mom to his 4 year old. She is a nice girl who got her heart broken by him and his lies & manipulation. she has never been nasty to me at all though, and has even recognized their son talking about me, calling me his "best friend" and I have sat her down to tell her I in no way feel or want to be a replacement of his mom. I too am a mom and would not want that done to me and would never do that to another mother. I may help take care of him when he's there but parenting him is not my place, it's his mothers and fathers. her and I have a mutual respect for each other and it makes things very smooth.
This past Friday she dropped him off and made a comment about my cats. I told her how my bf hates them but puts up with them and she went on about all he did to hers back in the day. Then she mentioned him saying he's cheap and asking about his money situation and I just kind of blew her off. His finances are his business--we may talk about them him and I but it's not my place to discuss them with anyone else. That opened a floodgate of her telling me all the wrongs he's done. How he cheated on her (i knew that) How the cops used to come to their place (i knew) his lies (knew it) She seemed surprised I knew as much as I did. She told me I'm a good person and I'm not the first he has said all the charming things too and on and on. all this I knew, I told her that we were working on things and we will see and got, "oh yeah his meetings and loving you, right." She went on to say she didn't want to see me hurt but he sometimes talks about me and is lying to me like everyone else and I should leave but don't tell him I'm leaving or he'll suck me back in (um..hello hooks, yes I know all this) Then she told me how she had loved him unconditionally and he broke her trust and ruined her for life b/c now she can't trust people and just broke up with her bf of 2 years b/c she felt he was manipulative. And there is my issue...the thing I can't shake...
I almost feel like she is trying to get rid of me "for my own good" to maybe get back with him? I don't know. So, I'm sitting on this because I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to start anything between him and her, I don't want the drama or chaos if he would confront her, I was feeling so good about us and I should probably concentrate on that. Truth always finds its way to you, right?
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
The first thing that came to mind while reading your post is 'Misery LOVES company'. When someone is ailing from past hurts/regrets - and have not moved forward or built a foundation from those pains - It seemingly creeps back into the life that is being lead in the present. To me, it sounds as though this woman is 'stuck in the past pain' - she may have good intentions, trying to warn you - as if you have no clue who you are dealing with - she may be doing it for reasons that you are considering ... for the want to have him back in her life - who knows. The best thing that you can do is keep your program strong, allow time to show you what is to come, look for actions because they speak SO MUCH louder than words...and stay focused on YOU. The stronger you are for your own comfort - the stronger you will be when things become difficult.
One step at a time, one day at a time - and consider not allowing others pains to build walls between your goals and emotions.
Good Luck!!! Keep Strong!!! - nothing changes if nothing changes. Words are words, anyone can open their mouth and spew forth good, great comments...but they can also be spit out with vengeance/pain and resentments.
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
From my perspective - the ex gf could be taking this from 2 different ways (like Lacewing says)
One she could truly be concerned for you - see that you are a good person, good to her child and hate to see you go thru the things a person goes thru when in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict. It seems she was truly hurt by this guy and is having trouble healing - she may want to see anyone avoid that same type of pain.
I can relate to that - if I knew someone was about to get in a relationship with my ex AH - boy I'd be tempted to warn them too.
or
it could be the jealousy wanting everyone to be miserable - it's hard to say - probably only time will tell.
For me personally, I would be very uncomfortable discussing a past relationship of my current partner with his old gf - If it comes up again - I might would change the subject or say "thanks, but I'm taking good care of me"
Which is the best thing we all can do - focus on our own recovery and Keep our own garden of self - Happy, joyous, Free and CLEAN.
HUGS to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thank you so much for your insight!! Lacewing, your comment of actions speaking louder than words made me realize no matter what she is saying and whatever the intentions it is the actions my Abf-sober (and myself) are performing to grow and move forward. That is one of my favorite sayings --thank you for reminding me gently to practice it!!
Rita, you are right...I felt very uncomfortable with her talking like that. It went quickly from small talk about the cats to what felt like a mining expedition...digging, digging, digging. This girl went through ALOT with and for him it's true. But she is also the same girl who took him back time and time again as well. Maybe it is a bit of jealousy that he seems to finally have gotten his act together and is taking the steps needed to keep up the growth. I feel for her but can't worry about her. I need to stay focused on my goals and the actions I'm being shown everyday now--not words from a broken past.
Thanks so much!!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Aloha Lizzakiss...how appropriate...hmmm my morning meeting topic was resentments. Part of my share was how resentments clung to a fuzzy coat like a tab of velcro and until I took off the coat the velco always seemed to cling to me. A major solution to resentments for me is forgiveness and so often I have to "think" about how I handle that lesson with others. What you have learned her might be of help to her also and maybe a suggestion of "find the program, live the program" is shortest and best.
I learned that often times when another person was "puking their past" at my feet it was a cry for help. Much of that from my own experience.
