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It has been so sad to watch him disintegrate. I pity the man; he is so deep into his alcoholism that nothing else matters. I have told him to leave so many times, but always took him back. But now he has gone too far. I cannot live with the mental abuse that he heaps upon me when he drinks; unbelievably awful things that cut to the core of my soul.
It started out so happily. We had such great love and respect for one another. It was two years after we married that I discovered he had a serious drinking problem he had not told me about. Twenty years sober is what he gave away when he picked up a beer one hot August day in 2003. Since then my heart has completely broken, and I am alone to wonder if I will ever be happy again.
This man is elegant, well-read, well-spoken, well-traveled, funny, loving, gorgeous, and on and on. Then he drinks. Oh! Terrible. He refuses to involve himself in any program, saying after each binge, "I promise, i will never drink again." Yeah, you right!! The last one nearly killed him, and I am convinced this one WILL.
Best wishes to all,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I know exactly from where you speak and am so very sorry that you are in this pain and sadness. My son lost 14 years of soberity for one small sip of wine on a dare!!! I understand the depth of your pain.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Your story sounds just like mine and he is now in treatment for the 4th time. I'm hoping this is the one that sticks. Just remember, if there is breath, there is hope. Hang in there.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain...
My heart goes out to you - I know your heart must be filled with pain. I pray for your HP to give you strength, courage, wisdom and comfort as you seek what is best for YOU.
I also pray for your loved one - that someway, somehow - he seeks the path to a healthier life.
Please remember to take good care of YOU!!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hello Diva I have been where your at , and the hardest part of recovery for me was getting to the place of( Allow them dignity to live or die the way they choose .) My husb left our home so he could drink again and almost killed himself in the process - realizing that my husb was ill again almost broke my heart and I went to his office to see him and came home called an AA friend and said I have to bring him home I cannot let him die alone , my friend reminded me that I had 2 choices , bring him home and watch him die or leave him where he was and maybe he will choose to live .. I chose to leave him where he was and he did not die ... I am so grateful I found the courage to not rescue him again and allowed him the dignity to choose . We have 20 yrs sobriety in our home now - no guarantees I know but for today all is well . thinking of you today . Louise
Aloha Diva...Your description of Him is sooo generous and caring. I had to learn how to do that and then add "...and alcoholic" not "...and an alcoholic but just alcoholic; having a life threatening disease she would rather not choose to have. Your alcoholic is a fine person and wonderful child of God who is trying to survive under the pressure of this cunning, powerful and baffling disease. At one time he was sober and then he drank again...just like Hotrod described with her son. "Arrrrrgh" GOD is that so awesomely horrible to watch. I use to watch my spouse make long hard terrible drunk runs and then crash very badly...hospitals and doctors and then periods of quiet (not sobriety) ending in another run as the "Alien" came back to the house. I wouldn't wish what you are now going thru again on you or anyone else. It is maddening, stupefying, insane!!. My mind and heart are with him and you. I am intimately connected with the power of alcohol and the struggle to control it and not the other way around. I hope he reaches the bottom and bounces back ultimately to be of help and support of another alcoholic needing recovery also. God uses alcoholic best when God puts another face to face with one not wishing to die at the end of a run.
Loving and caring is normal...stay normal. It is what we are created for thus the MIP fellowship and the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Allow us to love you while you struggle to love yourself. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Diva, I'm sorry to hear that it has come to this. I certainly know you gave it your all. It is a terrible disease and we all pay the price at times. Take care of yourself.
I cleaned out my shed today and found several treasures of my exaH's hidden behind and in things where you wouldn't guess. I guess that was the point. Beer bottles, vodka bottles. He switched to vodka thinking I wouldn't know he was drinking anymore. Each trip I made to the recycling bin made me sad for him, shaking my head. Picturing him sneaking to the shed, making sure I wasn't going to catch him. Anything to get that swig. Poor thing. I just really felt sad. Not angry. Not fuming. Just sad that he has to live like that. He says he's sober these days and that may or may not be true. Regardless, I know his mind is still tormented with the chaos of it all. 18 months after separation, mine still can be too - much more often than I'd like.
I am sorry for your pain. I have recently learned for myself that it weill does get easier and hurts less as each day passes. My AH is still sober, but all of the old behaviors reappeared after 4 and 1/2 years. I had to take a stand, finally... for me. We are divorcing. Slowly, the incredible pain is receding and a feeling of relief is growing as I start to let go of the dream that I had of what he could be if he were sober. Now, with some emotional distance, I am starting to see him for the man that he really is--sober, but so incredibly broken. Try to keep the focus on you and remember to be gentle with yourself.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thinking of you...... It's so hard on us to love an alcoholic and always always hope for the best for them. We believe they can do it...only we see the good in them behind the drinking. We try over and over to be there for them and support their sobriety. When do we stop supporting and turn around and let them be? At some point we all seem to do it, sometimes because they force us to by walking away. My prayers are with you....I feel your pain.
My ex husband lost the battle. He chose Tequila straight out of a bottle over life. He refused to stop drinking so I moved back home to be near my family. His alcoholism at that point had its death-grip on him. 10 years ago when I moved away, when I let go and let God, my life changed for the better. My program allowed me to choose life over daily suffering and emotional trauma that comes with loving an alcoholic/addict. The most important difference between Ray (my ex) and myself is that I, without any quilt, am able to love myself more, to love myself enough to choose a hopeful future for myself.
In retrospect, looking back to mine and Ray's final day and him saying to me "I'm not going to stop drinking", I learned that in spite of his good traits, his huge heart, giving of himself when he could, and when he loved somebody or something he loved with all of his heart. The problem and what I believe to be Ray's shortcoming was that he didn't love HIMSELF enough to choose life and to take that first step toward sobriety.
I saw into his future and I left because I just couldn't stay and subject myself to watching and being a daily part of his slow, painful and sad death. The emotional drain had taken its toll on me so I had to let go. He has left behind a new wife of just 2-3 years, 2 stepsons, a mother, father, 2 sisters, a brother and friends who love(d) him very much.
Ray passed away last week and will be laid to rest tomorrow. We are truly powerless over anothers choices in life. That knowledge allowed me to save myself. RIP Raymond.. I know God has taken you because he didn't want you to suffer any longer. Your battle in the end was as true as your heart and soul. You will be missed and I will continue to pray for you and your loved ones left behind.
