needing someone to" listen ", please - Al-Anon Family Group

beacheemom · Veteran Member

needing someone to" listen ", please

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A very hard one huh?

When you said Christian I can tell you my experience is this,a man leaves his mother and father and stays unto his wife.

Other than that my experience is my first is hp second would be my spouse.

As I read it is very clear you are doing your best to tell him it is not healthy for you or the children. The dynamics of his disease would be horribly hard on you guys.

This is all what "I" see. Does not make it so.

It is always a touchy subject when it comes to anothers family. My AH did not smoke in the house but it was always coming in the window, or if I was outside it was in my face. You are right the oil from his cloths will be in your washer too.

I take it your saying no is not enough? Maybe ask your husband what good would it do your family. Put it in his lap. It may make him think beyond enabling his father.

My gma moved in with us her last years. As nice as she was, it disrupted the family and made my mother uncomfortable. Though I loved my gma it made our family not as close as it used to be. Dynamics are very fragile.

Maybe you just needed to let it out.Sometimes that helps us to see how we really feel.

I can tell you no way would my mil soon to be exmil be welcome in my home. yuck. She was listening in my husbands and my conversation once on the other phone!

I just know for sure, I would not want my kids to have to go thru the disruption and all that an A disease will bring.

hugs and lotsa love,debilyn

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand your frustration at the situation. Sounds like your family really needs Al-anon right now. Also sounds like your husband is trying to put the guilt on you and using the Christianity card.

You being an Al-anon member and I assume a long time one, you know that nobody can help your Father in law except the AA program for him. Has your husband attended a f2f AA or al-non meeting? I know you wanted someone to listen to your frustration and Im sorry if your not wanting my advice, but Im really about living in the solution. I believe that your husband might convince his Dad to go to an AA meeting if he went with his Dad. Your bringing the Father back into your home is not a solution. I don't understand if he has a wife why he wants to stay in your home, in only that you guys take care of him and make him feel too comfortable. It would have only been a matter of time for him to start drinking again and that would have become an intolerable situation and one that might have threatened your marriage.

I hope you could convince your husband to attend a Al-anon meeting, I think he needs to learn the tools of the program, so he can learn to deal with his Father in a in a way that would help him, instead of way that would make him dependent on all of you. Just lean on your HP and the solution will evolve to a good one for all of you. Wishing you strength and hope. Bettina

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

One Important thing for us "helpers" of alcoholics to learn is that, to put it bluntly, that form of helping brings them closer to death.
Your FIL will always be an alcoholic but it's up to him if he wants to be a drunk. Finding his own HP would be much more helpful to his recovery then his son attempting to be his savior.

Would your husband have the same response if it was his child with an addiction? Or would he give a dose of tough love?
I strongly suggest you and hubby attend a few Alanon meetings together to gain some perspective and consider putting some boundaries in place. There are Alanons of every religion and culture. Being a Christian doesn't make him unique to wanting to help. We all want to help but have found enabling is not the way.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Christy

MaryPoppins · Veteran Member

Dear BeachMom,

This sounds like a tough situation at first, but it really is not that hard to figure out what to do.

First of all, if your husband is a true Christian he will follow the Bible, as that is the book that tells Christians how to be Christian. Like Debilyn mentioned, the Bible says that a man will leave his family of origin and stick to his wife. So, for your husband and you to take him in...AWAY from his wife is really detrimental to THEIR marriage, and a true Christian would not want to throw a monkey wrench into someone else's marriage!

Secondly, it is not like your FIL is homeless, he HAS A HOME! I can see you going to all of the trouble of taking him, feeling obligated as a christian if he did not have a home and family, but he DOES, so I don't understand the urgency of taking him in.

Thirdly, as Debilyn also brought out, your FIRST obligation is to your own children, to model a healthy adult lifestyle for them as a guide from them to follow. If you take your FIL in because he is annoyed at his wife, what lesson are you teaching them about marriage? Do you want adult children who move back home everytime they get peeved with thier spouse or have an argument? Remember children learn what they LIVE, not what they hear. They will do as you DO, not as you say. That is a fact.

Also, what do you think it is doing to your children to have hiim around? He doesn't sound like a very functional person, and I doubt is that good of a role model for them. It is SO hard to bring up healthy happy children in these volitile times, there are so many bad influences you can't control, do you really need to bring him into your home for your children to see his dysfunction up close and personal? The smoking thing is a BIG issue. I have a friend who is a nurse and she just told me about some new studies in the danger of THIRD hand smoke. That is the tar, nicotine, and other harmful substances that cling to your hair, skin, and clothes and are released into the air and you still breathe them in, even if you are not around someone who is actually smoking. It can cause breathing and health problems in children. Not to mention the fact that by having a smoker in your home, they may get to the point where they are curious about it and get their hands on his cigs and try them! He may even encourage it. Smokers, especially drunk smokers are often in denial and seldom see that wrong with their disgusting habits.

Do you really want your children being around someone who models such harmful health habits? Do you want them to think smoking and drinking is a part of normal life that many family members engage in?

These are things you and your husband need to think about. There is no need to subject your children to his bad habits when there is really no need, he has a home, a wife, and his own family. He really does not need to bring his bad habits around yours.

In closing, I agree with Christy and Bettina about other more healthy solutions to this problem.

I hope things get better for you. You and your husband sound like very kind an loving sincere Christians, I will pray you find a way to work things out for the best for ALL of your family members, including his wife and your children.

Love and Prayers,

MP

beacheemom · Veteran Member

thank you everyone for the advice. Today's a new day. My husband said last night that he had plans to go to hid dads house today but he never went. I thought this to be a positive thing. I strongly think my husband and sil need to go together to their dad's house and sit down along with him and his wife. All four of them together. I feel that my husband needs to bluntly but lovingly tell him that he loves him but can no longer tolerate his behavior anymore. When he decides he is ready for professional help/AA meetings then he and his sister will be right beside him. But until then, he and his wife need to also get their life straight. He needs to know that by him not wanting to tackle her puts a burden on my husband and SIL. He needs to know that moving in with us yet again is not the answer and never will be. All we were doing was making his life comfortable for him so he didn't have to deal with his problem. ( Although my husband and SIL seem to think that it's just to help him dry up). I don't agree with this, because it just becomes a cycle again. He has to be able to soemwhat care for himself. I am going to stand my ground and not allow him to move in. I will agree to take him to AA meetings- set them up and all for him, but I cannot and will not let him disrupt my family again. thanks to everyone for the help. I will stay in touch.

beacheemom · Veteran Member

Hello, I am back. I just found this morning the message board for adult children of alcoholics and am hoping that this may help both my husband and sister in law. I feel for them both. Looking back and reading my first post I realize that I was not 'in a good place'. I was so angry when I wrote that message. I guess that is normal, but know that isn't how I want to feel. Today I feel more calm and truly know that through prayer and helping in positive ways and learning to detach in a positive way will be far more helpful to him than anything else. I know that by offering to drive him to AA meetings and helping him that way is the ONLY way we need to offer help. The answer doesn't lie in bringing him under our wings to our home. All we were doing in the past is babying him which will never work. I know that he has a battle ahead of him if he is willing to fight it, but we do also. As humans. you want to enable the alcoholic in a 'loving' way but all that does is push them further back into their disease. So, today's a new day and all we can do is offer help without enabling him and at that point it's his decision. I feel we can't force him to go, as much as we want to but instead it has to be his decision.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds as if you are really seeing your way clear here. If taking him in helped him quit drinking, it would have helped by now. It's so hard when others are caught up in the disease as well. I hope you can continue taking care of yourself -- keep coming back, there is much wisdom and support on these boards.

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