Hooks......I think I swallowed it this time!! UGH!! - Al-Anon Family Group

farmgirlmay · Member

Hooks......I think I swallowed it this time!! UGH!!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Farmgirl, boy have I been there, done that.

I think really there's not any way that a situation like this can be "normal." I mean, he lost your trust, went off with another woman, is in early recovery, is no doubt full of emotions, you're full of emotions, he wants to know what's going on with the kids, this is probably the first time that it's occurred to him that something might happen that he doesn't hear about right away... There are bound to be weirdnesses and emotions around all of this. As to whether you're wrong or his sister is wrong (I know you didn't ask that question), my guess is that the reality is that the situation is so difficult that there isn't any way that everybody can think that everybody's right. If you follow me. And his sister is just as dragged into the weirdnesses of this situation as anyone.

Your awareness is inspiring. If I could have that much awareness every day, I'd be a lot better off! Keep on taking care of yourself. I've bet we've all been through this.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, when I would "slip" and take that call, obsess, play fantasy games with the future of what could be's -- and then I would feel worse later or the next day. I got to a cross roads - where I could see my choices - pick up the phone, play that game and feel worse about myself -or- do something entirely different, like not take the call, not listen to it - and I slowly felt better by taking that power back.

You know, u will always always have the good memories that you do. They wont go anywhere but just bc there were good times - it doesnt change anything.

Even the love u felt for him, will still be the love -that you experience- whether it gets reciprocted or not, ur expereince of giving that love, is yours forever. That realization, too, helped me immensely - just knowing that my perception and what Im experiencing is enough, I dont have to "get" anything in return to make the experience of my loving someone valuable or meaningful.

I heard here, an ex is an ex for a reason, as we tend to look back longingly and think, 'it couldnt have been that bad'. A the rose colored glasses of reminiscing - Im def going forward, no do overs anymore.

It seems as if you're on the verge of some growth ~ YOU are worth it!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi farmgirl. Uno I never quite get what makes us so hard on ourselves?

Changing habits takes a very long time. We are who we are, we react to what someone says, and /our emotions can get all tangled in things.

Sometimes there is no answer for why. We just have not gotten to the point where we don't respond anymore, maybe we are not ready! I finally got to where I realized I wanted to work on Al Anon skills and not beat myself up. Each time a trigger from A happened I got better and better using my skills. Then it all became natural.

Now would I answer if he called, yes. Not because I love him anymore or he is fishing, (wrote hooking first but it did not quite sound right lol!)because he is someone I have cared about all my life. Al Anon has taught me to think differently.

He is sick, he is brain damaged. If he has an agenda, it is the disease so it means zero to me. He is insane. We cannot rationalize insanity.

Your A cheated, does not live with you guys, yet calls and cries about not being included? Sounds like insanity to me. There are many mental illnesses that the person does not understand or comprehend there are consequences for our behavior.

When you don't want to answer the phone, you won't. Whether anyone shares things with him or not, it won't matter to you. It takes time to get to a place of serenity that just IS your life.

Farmgirl I can see what made you like to hear he misses you and still cares etc. At least there was something at one time.

Glad you posted, to me it shows progress when we realize things. We would not have thought twice about it all before and are working to change things to protect ourselves.

hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha FG...Recovery is a journey and we either decide to take it by going forward,
stay and sit at the side of the road and do nothing or walk back into the driveway
and stay at the crises. "We are not perfect..." Don't fret expect the ups and
downs and let neither of those cause you to stop growing. This is a simple
program for complicated people I first heard and that was true and I gravitated
and still do gravitate toward the simple. Each time I walk into the wall there is
a lesson to learn better if I not make a big deal of walking into the wall.

This is a disease...not a moral issue...or a contest...or a temporary condition and
that is why we hope to pass on what we have learned and what has worked for us
to those who are coming up behind us. What you have learned you are passing
on and gratefully it can and has saved others' lives or at least a whole bunch of
a--es. This program is powerful.

This morning I woke up to the 3rd step prayer...It's how I start my day and I
say it sincerely and after I said it I felt it was too soft, to quiet and that I was
too alone in it; so I cleaned up and suited up and went to my early "other"
program meeting where I could sit in the group and let the group prayer
surround me, my mind, my spirit, my feelings and my plans for the day. My
own prayer became a part of 60 others and I felt stronger, more supported
and more grateful for the message and another opportunity to carry it on.

You might have swallowed the hook for a while and in the end you got off
the line. Thanks for sharing your growth. (((((hugs))))) smile

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