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hello again. sorry its been a while. i have been heavily into my studying. am pleased to report that i have passed two of my six tests and am shortly to take number three. my business plan is slowly coming together and i have now got a car so i am completely independant. life should be so good now but i am having the strangest feelings. i wake in the night thinking i can hear AH. i wonder how he is, what he is doing, is he sober, is his gout playing up? i sometimes think i can smell his aftershave. what is going on? my GP says this is all natural but i am convinced there is something not right in my head.
up until this point, and these thoughts have been going on for the last two weeks or so, i have been really strong, focusing on me and getting my life in order. AH was horrible about a month ago, accusing me of having a lesbian affair with my friend, of leaving him penniless and he urinated three times up the back end of the caravan i live in. he ran his car at me twice!! he shouted abuse at me trying to cause me embarrassment. but now it has all stopped. he passes without so much as a sideways glance. the neighbours claim not to have seen him even though i know they have. whilst cleaning up and sorting out my cupboards a few days ago i came across our wedding photos. he was such a handsome guy. very muscular, very tanned, very thin compared to what he is now. all the old feelings came rushing back and i thought....what the hell am i doing? why arent i with him? he is my soul mate. i miss his drunken banter. i even miss his bad temper. i miss him. i dont like my life without him. what the hell am i going to do? i cant go back to him. we dont even speak now. my children would disown me if i gave it another go. all my friends are saying i am doing the right thing. my divorce lawyer is waiting for me to sign the papers so that he can be served with the affadavit. i keep putting her off. i cant think straight. i dont even know if i want to divorce him. i like being Mrs........... what am i going to do? please any advice out there? has anyone else been through this self doubt? its driving me nuts and i cant seem to work through it on my own.
Aloha MissLucy...Yep...been there and done that and what finally worked for me was keep the status quo and take it slow(er). Being married for a long time is a training and after the training it becomes a habit and like the alcoholic habits can hurt and cause trouble.
Suggestion if you are not going to meetings yet...Go as quickly as you can. Your subconscious is trying to drag you back into the fray. Of course you can get back in anytime you want and you will get the same things that you were getting before. Sitting with other recovering people for at lease 90 days will help your situation and perspective. Don't React.!! That's my most favorite slogan. Everytime I just reacted I found myself in deep trouble.
I think these things are natural as we stretch our wings -- a little anxiety at the new life, but it calms down the longer you go. Also, when you get out from under the daily misery and harassment, it leaves room for some good memories to come back in -- and then if we don't watch out, we overemphasize them and underemphasize the misery and harassment. For me, also, I think I was addicted to turmoil -- at least it felt familiar and it kept me from worrying about my own inner issues. (Which were the issues I really should have been paying attention to.)
I also think the idea of a "soulmate," one single person in the world who is the answer to all our problems, is a bill of goods. I mean it misleads us and makes us stay with people who are bad for us, out of an illusion that "there will never be anybody as good." But what good were they really? If they were so perfect, why the misery? It was all hope, not reality. I don't think there are really perfect soulmates out there -- there are just people like us, some of them healthy for us, some of them less so. And the more time we spend with unhealthy people, the less time we have for others.
It sounds as if you are doing wonderful things. Keep on taking good care of yourself!
I parted from the X ah about 18 months ago. We were married 26 years.
The first year, even though we had separate bedrooms, I swear I could here him snoring and breathing. Sometimes, I would go to say something to him and then realize he didnt live here anymore. Sometimes I was relieved.
I really dont think its is anything but habit and normal. It has for the most part in the last 6 months stopped. It also could be our fears and that inner voice saying, we will never make it on our own. One thing I never did was listen to anyone else about my life. In any aspect. This is your life and your choices.
Every time in the first year I would weaken, I would ask the A to go to lunch, I would pick him up, (he lost his car to a repo) and he would be in a foul mood, or those old behaviors would surface, even though he wasn't drinking. I would say thank you HP for showing me , it would be a mistake to go back. This has happened twice. So, I know Im on the right path and have stayed strong. So, stay close to your HP, it will give you the answer. I wish you strength and courage and Hope. Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 2nd of April 2010 12:11:49 AM
I had been married to my AH for a long time and we had 3 children together. I'm Catholic, divorce is a dirty word..... I had to leave for my own sanity and wellbeing. For me how it worked was to break the obssession I had with him and him with me. Obssession and love are very different things. Of course I missed him. He had been my life and I couldn't see how I would survive without him, drunk or not. I never stopped loving him but I knew I couldn't live with his control and manipulation. (which is something I still fear and project might happen again)_
As that obssession broke....for me.....it became possible for him to reach his rock bottom and for me to find myself again. In sobriety it became possible for us to re look at our relationship and we started 'dating' again.
My seperation from him was honestly not as a tool to make him to stop drinking. I even found someone else to walk hand-in-hand with and worked at developing my self esteem again. I had to work through all the negative accusations so that I had it clear in my head what was true and what wasn't.
Even in sobriety the ISM's are difficult to come to terms with....his and mine!!
I think the marriage that was before had to die and I had to mourn it. Grief for me was about beginning to really feel my feelings.
I can relate to how hard it is, to be out of the relationship that caused so much stress and misery, but then be trapped in a misery of being on your own. It is like there is no way out, and when positive things are happening, you can't enjoy them because of the blanket of misery you can not get rid of. I am due to have a baby in a few weeks and im so scared my misery will stop me enjoying the experience. I just feel so alone and abandoned by my ex. He is ignoring me so completely and it brings up past hurt because my parents was the same, are the same still.
How the hell do you get rid of feelings of abandonment?
I have so much to be grateful for, two loving sons already, nice home, car, good job, great friends. Why do i have to be so stuck focusing on things that cause me pain!
I annoy myself. I am finding the alanon meetings help somehow, i am going to keep going as I have hope they can help me finally break my cycle of being attracted to unavailable men, who mirror the unavailability of my family growing up, creating the cycle of misery that comes with that.
hmmm - this is all resonating with me quite a bit.
some days are great. some days i feel FREE and like i'm growing and focusing on me...
and some days i'm extremely anxious and am convinced that either a) i just need to go back into the last s**tshow of a relationship and at least get some attention when i need it or b) i will die alone.
pretty extreme mood swings. i too am so stuck on focusing on things that cause me pain.
but what i see as a great advancement in my own life is being able to STOP the obsessive thoughts (only for a minute or so right now) acknowledging them as just THOUGHTS, letting the thoughts go and then pulling the focus back on to my inner being. the true essence of me that i CAN change and improve.
"Obssession and love are very different things" -- that is so helpful. I think I've mixed them up most of my life. What helps me remember that they're not the same is that love shouldn't be full of anxiety. But my obsession is definitely full of anxiety.
