The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter A was sober for 60 days going to meetings everyday had a caring sponsor and I thought we were well on our way to sobriety.....until her court hearing. Since her BA level was .404 she was charged with a super extreme dui with a minimum jail sentence of 6 months. We got home and she immediately lashed out at my husband and myself because we asked her to do something. She walked out of the house right to the liquor store and has been trashed for the last two days, will not go to a meeting, will not call her sponsor and has informed me that I need to just keep my mouth shut and I need to make a choice between her and her stepfather. He has raised her since she was 3 years old (her father died) but she uses him as weapon when ever possible. I love her but I so want her well, out on her own (shes 25) It would help if the court system would make them do their sentence immediately rather than giving them options of continuance etc....maybe then she would have 6 months of sobriety and appreciate how good her life has been. I know I am ranting and sound awful but that is how I am feeling today.....The serenity prayer is playing through my mind 24/7 and I need for God to give me a sign or help me cope. I do go to face to face meetings and it helps get me stronger but I still have not been able to let go.
Aloha KRS good for you taking care of yourself. Be nice if your husband also attended if he is not. I learned HP had always listened to my prayers and needs. It wasn't about HP's listening it was about my not listening and you have got that angle already. Compassion for the drinking alcoholic especially the relapser is a strong part of my program. Your daughter is drinking thru fear and it won't work. She is angry and abusive because she is fearful and now she is fearful and drunk. Alcohol doesn't take the fear away. It might anestethize her into not feeling anything at all but the fear will always be there when she is drunk. If she is angry it's because of the fear...Her first step is the same as ours. She is fearful because she has no control and she has less control because she is drinking something that takes her control away when she needs it most and cannot even not drink when she wants to because alcohol has all control. Maddening and insane. From my experience the best I could do was hold my alcoholic wife up to the light of the Serenity Prayer also and with all of my being abandon her to God like a child on a strange doorstep. That one worked in God's time..not mine..but it worked. Both of us experienced recovery. I'm still in mine and only God knows where she is. Could be a better place than I but The Big Island of Hawaii is pretty darn hard to beat as paradise. Just gotta find a way to stop it from getting so crowded.
Keep your face up, pointed to your HP cause HP loves to see our faces...smile.
You wrote, "It would help if the court system would make them do their sentence immediately rather than giving them options of continuance etc....maybe then she would have 6 months of sobriety and appreciate how good her life has been. " I know so well that feeling of "If only... if only..." Like they are just escaping sobriety by a hair's breadth each time. But the fact is that nothing external will affect them until they decide to be affected. We could pile all the circumstances in the world on them and they wouldn't change if they're not ready.
I am hearing that you're in that place I am so familiar with, where your whole being and focus is on the drinker and how soon they're going to change and recover, how soon, how soon, how soon... It's crazy-making, isn't it? It's hard to realize that we can feel better even if they're still drinking. For a long time I had an unrealistic expectation that if I let up the focus, that would let my alcoholic "get away with it" and not recover. But he wasn't recovering anyway. It was hard to realize that I had absolutely no power over it. The only power I had was to make my life miserable. And I was sure doing that.
I hope you can keep learning, keep taking care of yourself, keep taking steps towards feeling better.
Hi, I went to court with my son yesterday morning...he is 23, and he got off with just 200 dollar fine instead of the 500 he expected for rolling his car 6 weeks ago....he walked out unharmed and home and did not report the accident as he was drunk and knew he would have gotten a DUI. Interestingly, this young one has been in and out of our house 4 times since his first arrest at age 19....three days after he got out of high school. Now with the extra money he and his druggie friends left yesterday and we haven't seen him for 30 hours. I used to worry every time he did not come home as I thought he was going to "die in a ditch". Each incident has brought me closer to serenity now, as I have spent a lot of time with my HP and am slowly visualizing him with his own journey with his HP. My Mom died two years ago and she was his champion but also his enabler....but a few nights ago I dreamt she was cleaning my attic and he was there but about 14...so I know she is watching over him too....my sponsor helped me a year ago or so and told me to write his eulogy and buy a small life insurance policy to bury him if need be. This seems morbid, but it lifted me a bit. Good luck, God Bless...I am hostage some days in my house too, with the rages...but they are quieter now, as I am quieter......
