The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and I am an addict addict. Otherwise known as an professional enabler, and codependent. I once thought I was as powerful as a savior, ready to take on the world of addictions, though not my own, caffeine is my friend ... just my A's or any of the A's in my life. I was a sounding board, knightess in tarnished armor, hero to all. The fall off that pedestal was long and the landing hard. Damaged ego dragging in tatters behind me I knelt and admitted my defeat, my powerless over my own addiction to wanting my ego to create my very own happy ending. I not only became willing but begged for help from whom I thought I was as powerful as and did not need to bother, especially after being abandoned for so long. Later realising it was I who had done the abandoning of my faith, myself and my own worth not to mention treading heavily upon the rights and dignity of others. Somehow the lovely illusion of seeing everyone else's faults and being able to ignore my own slipped and that tattered ego fell off completely leaving a very humbled blank canvas. Now I paint slowly, guided by a hand more powerful than I, the beginings of what may someday be a beautiful picture. Having a night of reflection, thank you for reading. Jen
Your last sentence reminds me of a speaker I heard once who painted as she taught. She painted the most glorious scene of a field with flowers and a little brook on a sunny day. Then she took this brownish black paint and made a big fat ugly - not even straight - line across the painting horizontally towards the top and vertically down one edge. I thought - what a waste! It was such a pretty painting! It made me sad. But then she kept talking and kept painting. Those gross smears of darkness became a branch and trunk of a tree that held many birds and gave shade in the field. What appeared to be so ugly at first became an integral part of the beautiful picture - so much so that in retrospect, the picture would never have been complete without it.
I think the same is true in our lives. That really crappy painful ugly streak that marrs the pretty picture we try to make eventually becomes the beauty that makes our life "painting" complete and focused. Not because the circumstance was good but because of all that is developed in us from that circumstance...
Hope that makes sense...take it or leave it but thanks for reminding me about it in any case! It put me into a positive frame of mind to go to sleep on - something kind of rare lately and oh so valuable!
Hi Jennifer Lovely to read as has been said. I think I was taught to be codependant by my overly religous up bringing. I learned I had to put others before myself and that I was always to be last. My role was to show others the 'right' way to live by my words and actions. When I met my husband I felt I had a lot to teach him!!!!
I think I mis - learned a lot of the lessons. I heard to love my neighbour but didn't hear...as I love myself!!!!
Alanon has taught me a new relationship with my Higher Power and I can hear those past lessons with a healthy head today. I still have a lot to learn though...a life times journey. Self Justification and self righteousness are blocks to God I know that know. Alanon helps me to watch out for the blocks Mon
That was so beautiful, Jennifer! Thank you for that.
I could especially relate to your metaphor of the blank canvas, because I felt (still feel) exactly like that. Finding subtle little bits of my own sickness everywhere, I wanted to wipe it all out and start anew with a clean slate.
Al-Anon gave me this wonderful feeling of hope that I CAN accomplish this, and gives me the guidance to choose what I will write on that slate.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Awesome post...a painter with words and soooo lovely. I quit before I reached profession status so therefore never got to use the words an Addict Addict. Thank God and Al-Anon. I only made it to mismanaging and mismanaged manager. I got straight A's (LOL) and needed to go back to the basics...me.
Thanks for the beautiful post Jen... (((((hugs)))))
