The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It looks as though by the end of June I will be divorced from my AH; we've been married for 36 years. We have been separated since his last DUI in Nov. 2009.
I'm so ready to be legally detached from him, even though I'm concerned that he might drink and drive again, resulting in a fatality.
Being legally divorced doesn't cure the emotional attachment, however. I still need to work on that. I'm making progress. I do not give into the urges to call him to offer him unsolicited advice. Part of me laughs at myself. I had tried over 30 years to help him while we lived under the same roof. What makes me think he'd listen now? Furthermore, why do I still have the urges? Is it because I care so deeply about his welfare? Or, does it have something to do with me as in I'd feel less guilty about leaving him if he'd get his stuff together? Perhaps I'll know the answers in time.
It is so true: they'll drink until they are ready to stop. I see that now. His alcoholism has cost him a lot. Yet, he still drinks daily.
He has lost his job, but was fortunate to retire. In addition, he lost our home that we both built together, his self-respect and the respect of our sons, even though they love their dad dearly. I pry that he gets his self-respect back.
Alcoholism is ugly.
And I have right to claim a different life for me. This I now know is true. It is not easy on an emotional level. However, on an intellectually level, it is the only sane choice I have left. I hate alcoholism.
Thanks for reading.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I too hate alcoholism. I am so grateful to Al Anon and MIP for the tools that have enabled me to rebuild my life and be filled with compassion and hope once again.
I swore that I would never return to my husband. I would only consider it if he had a brain transplant. We were seperated 2 years and had the decri nici when he found an honest sobriety and headed into recovery.
What I did learn though was that honest sobriety had nothing to do with me. No amount of worrying or advice made the slightest bit of difference.
He lost us our home and his job. He had 3 drunk driving convictions. His kids made fun of him and would be in the same house alone with him.
Yet we have now been back together 3 years and his relationship with his kids is wonderful to see.
I'm not sure I ever believed this sort of story could ever happen to me. All I had to do was find the strength to honestly let go of him, just as he had to honestly let go of his compulsion to drink and control me.
We have the same disease....just coming from opposite ends of the scale. My obsession with him was just as damaging as his compulsion to drink. The ability to break the chains came from Higher power and attending meetings. I had nothing to do with it.
I know now that I cannot be around an active alcoholic and it was right for me to leave. ( some can ) There was no guarentee that he would find sobriety ( and have his brain transplant) or that he would stay sober. That is HIS responsibility. That really has nothing to do with me.....my job is to keep ME health and keep MY focus balanced. I need Alanon to do that.
I wish you luck and serenity. I hope you find peace of mind.
