((((Melanie)))))... well my thoughts are, keep coming back!  I was smiling a bit reading your post and I'd like to explain why.  I remember coming in to Alanon, and within a few months, oh yes! I was ready to spread the Alanon message to all. (I'll call this the Honeymoon Phase of recovery.)  As my sponsor told me, yup, you jumped from Step One right to Step Twelve....only the problem is, we can't give away what we ourselves have not worked yet, so how in the world am I going to share all them steps inbetween when I haven't worked them yet?  And I have also found, the longer I am here, the more I realize there is for me to learn.  Whereas before I was all eager to share the knowledge I'd found here, now I constantly question if I know enough to even be able to help anyone.  And then I am reminded, I don't need to know "the answers", all I need do is share my own experiences and what worked for me. 

What I have seen with me...when I was a newcomer I was "blind" to things about myself.  It has been a slow gradual process in getting my attitudes and thinking changed.  It is still an ongoing process.  I once thought, taking the alcohol out of the picture will make everything better.  I now know, the main problems my A has and that I have stem from the same thing....behaviors, attitudes, thinking processes.  Without both of us working on those things, what we have left is a dry drunk on his part, and a sick unrecovered (acting like a dry drunk sometimes) alanon wife.  At 5 months "sober", from what i've heard and read, your A's brain is not fully dried out yet from the alcohol.  I've heard that can take a year or more. 

That line about being "part of the old thinking" .... this too is familiar to me.  This is a reason for both to have their own program, to both be working on new ideas and ways of being.  For example, I can learn what it is that I am doing that helps to enable my A and stop doing those things.  I can learn to become self-sufficient myself so that when he yells at me how he's going to divorce me, I can calmly reply "go right ahead" and not feel frightened of how I'm going to make it on my own.  It is funny how the threats can stop when they realize they have lost that control over you.  Often they don't like seeing the changes, it has disturbed the routine of their life, we are not responding in a way that they assume we will.  What used to work does not work anymore.  We decide we are worthy of respect and begin to treat ourselves that way.  I find when I stand up for myself, my A treats me better.  He is getting the message that I am sick and tired of "the old ways" too and am willing to leave if things do not begin changing. 

We actually have a whole lot in common with the other side, AA.  We're all in the same boat just trying to learn how to use our paddles to stay afloat and reach the safety of the shore.  I have read a lot of eye-opening posts at the AA message board (go to www.12stepforums.net and then click on the links there) which help to enhance what I learn here in Alanon.  I find the more I learn, the more I read, the more I listen....the less I am hurt by things that are said or actions done....as I am able to see those for what they are....just part of the illness of alcoholism that is still playing out.