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I have lost track of how many serious talks my A and I have had where he tells me his plan to stop drinking. I ask him what will be different this time and there is always some way that he appeals to the hope in me and I am happy and relieved and grateful and totally behind him - I'll plan the evenings so there's no down time, I'll keep the house cleaner, I'll email him another list of meetings, I'll...
And so I look forward to coming home the next day excited to rediscover how much fun we always had when he wasn't drinking...7 pm comes and he gets home and uses the restroom and the smell is there...the stupid smile...the overly sweetness that will turn to harsh words if I'm not pleasing him every moment and the request to order Buffalo Wings from Dominoes for dinner. He made it less than 24 hours. Again. No meetings attended. Nobody called. Just his stupid stinking excuses for stopping at the liquor store on the way home. Again. And now that the whiskey is here (always hidden) we're in for another couple of days until the next serious talk.
This is at least the 4th time he's said he's really truly quitting in the last two weeks. And it's the 4th time in the last two weeks I've fallen for it.
So when he's sober and finds his brain again, what am I to say to the next great plan? I don't even want to hear it! But then again I do. I want him to try. But I am so tired of the disappointment.
In reading posts here and trying to learn from them I had told myself it would be okay if he failed again. I'd be fine. I'd find something fun to do. I'd take care of myself. But in doing that the last 2 days, we actually got along while he was drinking. And my worry is that because of that, when he ran out of whiskey last night and so today was supposed to have stopped, perhaps he no longer felt he had to stop? So I just got mad again tonight. And frustrated. And boy did I let him see it!!
And I know it's stupid but because his usual counterattack is to tell me how fat I've gotten and how much I eat (regardless of if it's a lot or not - although yes, I have gained 10 pounds over this past year) I told myself I'd show him what overeating really looks like - and we don't need to discuss all the food that went in to me now not feeling like I ever want to see food ever again! Not the greatest first attempt at caring for myself or detaching...actually it was pretty much the opposite.
So what now? When do I get to believe in him again? What do I say next time he tries to reassure me? And next time I come home to the disappointment what is 1 first step I can concentrate on in the midst of really intense emotion that will help us both be more healthy?
Sorry. I know no one has all the answers. While I do so appreciate any insights you all have, I know I'm also just finding a lot of satisfaction in banging on the computer keyboard...
I know I'm supposed to feel compassion, but I actually found myself praying the other night "God, please couldn't I just give him 1 good hard solid kick? It would feel so good!!" I haven't gotten that permission yet, but maybe tonight I'll ask for 2 kicks!!
It sounds as if your source of feeling okay right now is believing him when he tells you he's going to stop? You'd like to feel okay because he's stopped, but since that's not happening, you like to have hope that he's just about to do it?
The key, I think, is to have some serenity about your life whether or not he's stopped, and whether or not he's come home smelling of alcohol. Don't wait for him. You could be waiting a long time. However long it might be is too long to wait to feel good about your life.
People can also tell you about having partners who stopped drinking, but the other problems didn't stop. The alcoholics can't start getting better till they stop drinking, but stopping doesn't finish the process. It's only the necessary first step.
But the good news is that that doesn't matter either. What matters is taking care of yourself, regardless of what they do. Bringing the focus back to yourself and what you need in your life, not waiting to see whether he smells of alcohol or whatever.
I hope you can learn all you can about alcoholism and loving detachment. And keep coming back.
this post is de javue for me , I used to call them fireside chats , talk into wee hrs of the morning Iwould go to bed feeling hopeful maybe this time it will be different ,only to get up the next day and have him forget we even talked , finally the next time he started that crap , i stood up gave him a hug and said there is another way to live u don't have to keep doing this to yourself and I went to bed .. this is his problem leave it with him where it belongs , if yor not all ready find meetings for yourself learn how to detach from the behavior and get your life back or u will continue to be dissapointed over and over again . and the beauty of this for me ws I did not have to leave the marriage to do that , thanks to this prog I was able to stay and get h appy regardless of what he was doing .. this is a disease and it is progressive .. take care of you. no one else can .
The thing is, Mattie hit it on the head...I do desperately want him to stop! And it is that hope that makes me not feel like all is lost...My mind gets what is being said here as true. But I would be lying if I said I'm okay with the thought that he may never quit. Every time I seriously consider that, I just can't stop crying...I didn't leave the area I love and my closest friends to spend my life with a drunk!! But here I am...
And as much as I know I have to start being okay on my own, the truth is I'm scared to death that my efforts to be okay "whether or not he's stopped" will be the efforts I make for the rest of my life. That there will be no happy ending...that the man I fell in love with is never coming back...that since I left my friends and church family in another town, I will remain alone and ashamed to ever let those friends know how things really turned out...
Sorry to be so emotional...it's where I'm at. Thanks for listening. And thanks for telling me the truth that hurts as well as letting me know that happiness in a marriage like this is possible...
Lovealwayshopes, happiness isnt some far off place in the future. I can tell you if you start to follow the tools of al-anon, try to go to a face to face meeting. Read what Al-anon has to offer. keep coming back here and share , you will start to be a whole lot happier than you are now.
You can be happy and live with the alcoholic, but it will only happen if you change the dynamics. You cant be doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result. The A is not doing this to you on purpose and he really wants to quit, but cant. Not until he is ready and thats the important thing. It has to come from him. You can only change you. You cant change him.
I was married to the x ah for 26 years, we are divorced for 18 months, and we both are happy. We go to lunch, we are friends, he is sober for the first time in his life now for 6 months. I look back and wondered why I wasted so much time suffering from a disease I did not cause and couldnt cure. I never wanted to be divorced and never expected that we would, but a minor stroke caused me to re-evaluate what I was doing to myself. That was my wish always, that the A get sober, he did without my help. That makes me happy. I'm happy for myself, Im in a good place right now. This did not happen overnite. I have been with Al-anon since 1987, it has been a great journey and it will for you. Everyone's story is different. Be happy today. Even in our circumstances we can have serenity. Bettina
Your words are so familiar to me. I too lived through the drinking, then the apologies, the long talks and plans to quit. And was constantly disappointed when he continued to drink. I finally found some peace when I started learning to detach and focus on me. It was hard at first (and sometimes still is) but I decided to take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I think you're looking too far into the future, no one can know what is going to happen down the road. I am also away from my friends and long time home. We moved to a different country four years ago. It was a mutual decision, I didn't do it for him. But sometimes I felt so alone with no one to turn to. This board and alanon truly helped me to find my sanity again. Attending the online meetings and reading the alanon literature was also very helpful. I think the biggest difference came when I was able to follow the advice of someone here and put my AH into the hands of my HP and ask him to take care of him because I couldn't. I hope you can get to some meetings, either face to face or online. I think you'll find them a tremendous help. And keep banging on the keyboard and coming back here. It takes time and effort, but things can get better.
"Acceptance is the key to all my problems today." To accept does not mean to agree with, or like whatever it is we are trying to accept. It simple means to face the facts of any given situation, today. I too had trouble accepting, as alot of us do. The facts as i see it in my own situation is that my loved ones are suffering from a disease. They are addicted to drugs/alcohol and i in turn was addicted to them, my very core of emotional wellbeing rested with them, was hinged upon what they did or did not think say or do. They told me many heartfelt things, things i truly wanted to believe in. I believe they were honest in their expressions of love and sorrow, just as i was/am. But the disease kept stepping up and kicking both our butts coz that's how it rolls... more like steamrolls thru all our lives. The want and intent is there. It's the ability to follow thru is where the troubles come in for them, and for us. For me personally, i had to try everything i knew... reasoning, begging, pleading, crying, screaming, fighting, more crying, bargaining, throwing tantrums, breaking things, even more crying, various manipulations, policing, shaming, guilting, threatening, throwing them out and then bringing them back in, walking on egg shells, playing nice, being mrs fixit pants, swooping in w/my cape and attempting to rescue, moving out myself, and then back in, moving back out again, ditching the relationship all together, finding another (just like the first cept w/a diff name and face) and doing it all over again and again, and on and on and on. I could see plain as the nose on my face what alcoholism/addiction was doing to them, but did i see what it was doing to me? None of this changed a darn thing and i truly believed i was a complete and utter failure at love and at life in general. Still the disease kept kickin me (and them). Alanon was my last resort, my last ditch effort that literally came from God's mouth to my ears!
oh my... i guess i'm having posting probs... i'll try this again :)
step 2 stuff... Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, "SANITY"... yep its official, i was insane) This is the shape i was in when I first found the rooms of alanon. I remember driving to the parking lot where the meetings were held 3 weeks in a row, unable/unwilling (frozen in my feelings of fear, anger, embarassment/shame, depression, and isolation) to even venture out of my car and make those steps inside the building. I sat there and cried... 3 weeks in a row!! It was on my 4th attempt that i sat there in the parking lot bawling my eyes out, convinced this was yet more proof that i was weak and a total failure, when an alanon member recognized my car from weeks previous n tapped on my driver side window... scaring the beegeebers outta me! I rolled the window down about 2 inches and she said "... are you looking for the alanon meeting?" I couldnt even speak, i just nodded my head. And she said "Come on, I'll walk you inside and show you the way." So I followed. I was shaking, eyes bloodshot n swollen, face tear streaked, wobbly kneed, sweaty palms, white knuckles, wringing hands. I took a seat at the tables and she sat next to me. She handed me a daily reader (my first, Courage to Change) and a newcomers packet which she said was chocked full of wonderful info and i should take it home and read thru it at my leisure (leisure!! what the heck was that?!) She gave me a quick run down of how the meeting operates. Wasnt long b4 the meeting got underway. There was alot of stuff read that i didnt quite understand but i remember looking around the room at the warm smiling faces as each person introduced themselves by first name only. Then they began reading the steps, i turned to the back of my daily reader like she had showed me. I heard, really heard the first step for the very first time. WE admit that WE were powerless and OUR lives had become unmanagable. It hit home, hard. I realized right then and there for the very first time that i wasnt the complete and total utter failure i thot i was... I was merely 'powerless' just like everyone else in that room that day! WHAT A RELIEF!!! I began crying, yet again. Kleenex flew outta every direction. and i have NO IDEA what else was said at that meeting that day. I was at the threshold of step one and all the tears i shed were of the soul cleansing variety. Still to this day, i revisit this step frequently cause that ole insidiously sneaky illusion of control likes to bite me in the arse every now and again... just to keep me on my toes, i guess ;).
My thots are that the journey is similar for our alcoholic/addicted loved ones. I can accept that they are struggling, just as i do and once did. I can accept that some may never find the answers they seek, cause they're looking in all the wrong places. I can accept that I am a human being just being human, so are they trying to do things 'thier way'. I can accept that the help they need is out there, just like it was/is for me. I can accept that God has a plan for all his creatures, and just exactly what that plan is... is none of my business. I can accept that pain in life is inevitable... its misery that is optional ;). I can accept alot of things today... still doesnt mean I like it or agree with it... i'm just facing the facts. Stick w/this alanon stuff, YOUR life WILL change. Meetings, meetings, more meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, and keep coming back!!! Whatcha got to lose? but your misery perhaps, if you're not completely satisfied... we'll refund it... in full ;).
Love in alanon, Wendy i guess i'm having posting problems... i'll try again :)
geesh... excuse my puter illiteracy... my bro (a computer GENIUS and one of my qualifiers) tells me that when i use the arrow or bullet key followed by various certain letters that i am sending java script messages to the page... telling it to hide whatever follows the arrows/bullets (WHO KNEW?!)... and that persons using firefox browser instead of IE browser will actually see the 'hidden' stuff... ya dont know better, till ya know better, i guess... and now i know better... again progress not perfection
My son is an addict and I can't tell you or even count how many times we've had those serious talks and he promises to quit only to be back to square 1 the very next day. My mistake was turning my hope for him into an expectaion of the promises he made. It took me a very very long time to learn that the A will tell you anything you want to hear so they can get what they want at that moment. After so many disappointments and heartache I finally came to realize that I can't expect my son or any other A to act or think in a rational way. Even when sober thier thiniking is still about that next high or the next drink. So the only thing I can expect from my son is to act like an addict as that is what he is. And to know that pretty much anything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. As stated above Listen with your eyes actions speak louder than words I will always have hope for my son but until I see for myself sobriety and behavior change I have no expectaion he will act any differently. Blessings to you
Not the greatest first attempt at caring for myself or detaching...actually it was pretty much the opposite.