((((RC)))),

I can relate.  You are in mourning for him and your relationship.  Just like I am still in mourning for Tim.  Hard to believe that he passed away nearly 1 1/2 years ago.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday.  So go ahead and mourn.  It's okay.

Detachment is hard.  It's one of the hardest things we have to learn to do.  Melody Beattie has 2 wonderful books that really helped me: The Language of Letting Go and More on the Language of Letting Go.  They are full of good ideas. 

 A friend of mine once asked me when I was going through another relationship (not an addict) if I was lonlier w/him than without him.  At first it didn't make sense.  But the more I thought about it, the more I understood what she was talking about.  Years later when Tim was drinking I though about that conversation.  It made perfect sense.  He was physically there but his disease didn't allow him to be emotionally. 

So ask yourself do you want to go back to that chaos?  I think you know the answer to that.  In time you will learn the difference between being alone and being lonely.  There are days when I am lonely.  They're not easy, but I get through them.  I am now use to being alone again. I'm okay with it.  You will too.  Love and blessings to you.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

I sure could relate !!!  I kept the lines of communication open as well.  Everytime we spoke I would hang up the phone and think why in gods name did i answer the phone.  I would sit there and feel even worse...yet i did it.  And truth be told, I lost a little more self respect in the process.  The toxicity of the relationship was very intellectually clear to me.  Emotionally i was stuck.  What bothered me most was this emotional bond with a person who was quite clearly incapable of meeting my needs.  Emotionally unavailable, yet I was obviously drawn to it.  Thats what really haunted me.  I was alone when I was with him if I am honest about it.  So what did I really miss was the question I had to ask myself. And what if he found someone else? then what...well that answer is simple I came to find.  He wouldnt be any different with anyone else than he was with me.  He is how he is ..period...I think for me I mourned the fantasy of the relationship..the how it should be and could be's..becasue the reality wasnt much of a loss when i was fearlessly honest with myself.  Focusing on me and taking a long hard look at myself and how my perceptions were so askew of what love means to me is my focus now.  I hope to one day have a "healthy" relationship but I also know I need to be healthy so I could even recognize what that looked like.  I have spent my life mistaking confidence for self esteem which is a whole other issue :)  We all have baggage no doubt about it but when I take on someone with an addiction its like taking on not only baggage but a semi....Im hoping to make healthier choices in the future ...i want good things for me and I am getting to the understand that I do deserve them....thank you for a lovely post. blessings :)

Runnerchic, congratulations, you have taken the first step for your real recovery.
Its hard to separate from an A, its like withdrawal. We have been a part of their addiction for so long, we have become an addict too, to all the dynamics that there illness has created,  even addicted to their deceptions. Because there is something in us that wont face , that their addiction comes first. I was separated from the  X AH, many times. I could never understand why I was so devastated, why did I want this man, that was drunk and insane. It wasnt until the 3rd time we were separated and I suffered a minor stroke , I realized  I was addicted to the delusion and the suffering. I had placed myself as a victim. That stroke was a gift, it made me realize that I was going to die for this man. Yes I loved him, but my life is worth more. 

The A never seems to suffer as much as we do, there high all the time and havent faced what they are doing to themselves and others. But we are left to suffer the consequences , we are sober, or are we really. We are left to suffer the emotional turmoil and self loathing, it takes a lot of strength and courage to dig ourselves out of that abyss. I celebrate you Runnerchic, I say again congratulations, live a vibrant and creative life.!! Don't look back, look forward, there is no such thing as moving on, only living now. Bettina

There it is again, that warm medicine type feeling, that healing, and im amazed by reading this thread I have felt it again.
I went to my second meeting last night and felt that feeling.  People baring their worse traits and being loved and accepted by the group, not judged and 'slagged off behind their backs' etc.
So i went to my third meeting tonight.  I am cramming them in as im due to have a baby in 10 weeks and I want to heal as much as possible before, as it will not be as easy to get to groups when my baby is born.
I also want to heal quick, because luckily my ex has ignored my nasty tex messages I sent trying to get a reaction, and to make him feel bad and to come and rescue me and put it all right.  He is even ignoring me now I am calmer and trying to get hold of him to discuss help with the baby, as she still needs things and so far he has not spent one penny on her.
That may not be a bad thing though, no contact, but that is the pattern.  Constantly splitting up, have been doing over the two years of being together, nearly every argument, my family and friends must think im pathetic.  Apparantly his family and friends hate me.
This time least year when we split for 2/3 months (he ended it as usual), I found out he had been sleeping with a girl from aa.  His defense was 'it is not your business, we wasn't together.  It hurt like hell finding her prescription in my bedroom, and wondering how the hell it got there, it had fell out of his holdall months later.
So hence my manic behaviour now when he leaves, he has no contact with me and goes to meetings almost daily, he was a player when I met him, so i drive myself insane with thoughts of him with someone.  Then he gets to slag my crazy behaviours, then my self esteem is even lower.
I kept in touch with another ex CD, we have been friends for 10 years since we split.  My ex a-b/f didn't approve.  So I just ended up getting together with my friend (CD) the odd time when my ex had left, to pass time going out etc as all my other friends are in relationships and i was isolated.  It helped take my mind off what my ex was doing. When I was honest with my ex a-b/f about the friendship id kept with CD, he went mad, calling me a smelly whore. I found myself hoping in some weird way that his anger meant he might not come back again, which felt like a relief.  Every time he walks away from me, I am totally ignored, and then weeks later he comes back, and I just take him back straight away.  Can't seem to help myself, I feel like a freak. 

He is 7 years clean from drugs and alcohol, and very much respected in the fellowship.  He has done well to turn his life around, one of the things that attracted me to him.  He is also a lovely person at times and very self aware, sensitive.  When I first began seeing him, as soon as I started to realise he was a player, I backed off.  This made him want to change and work his program on other areas of his life, that made me feel so special.  Then we both wanted a baby and things was pretty good for a while, but since ive been pregnant its been awful, our behaviours have clashed, our fears, insecurities.

Ok I could go on and on......I am going to meetings instead of sitting at home wondering what he is doing, I am hearing people talk, and I want to heal as they have.  So if he is cheating, let him live with it.  If I am getting better and focusing on me il be better able to deal with it.  If his good side wins over, then me working on myself will help our relationship.  Thank you alanon for giving me a win win situation, before my life ran me into the ground 6 foot under.  Thank you for finally helping me to life the depression I grew up with and heal inside!

A x

I remember clearly how I felt when I separated from my AH.  It was not only painful but very VERY scary.  I didn't know what to do with myself, felt numb at times, other times I was angry and resentful.  I literally would stand in my kitchen and walk around in circles not knowing what to do first, prioritizing things that didn't really belong on a priority list, cried, begged GOD to 'make him normal, stop his drinking - stop my pain...PLEASE!'  Then I just walked in another circle and did it all over again...to the point that I exhausted myself from all this 'hamster in the wheel' thinking/obsessing.  It was easier to sleep, easier to be shut off, easier to just do nothing.  I didn't want to eat (because he was not there), I didn't want to shower (why bother - I am alone and don't have to be clean because no one was going to visit me anyway), I didn't want to 'keep busy' because doing the things I normally did - all revolved around US and HIM.
I look back at that time and feel sorry for that poor pitiful ME that I was, that allowed myself to 'be there'....I was angry, hurt, wanted him to die for hurting me, wanted him to live and get better, wanted his heart to be broken like he broke mine.  'Stinkin' thinkin' it is called in Al-Anon...

But, I found slowly but surely - that I did get up, do something TODAY, something the Next day, and the next and the next after that....ONE DAY AT A TIME.  It was grueling/sad/depressing...but slowly - with the help of my HP/ my friends in alanon, my daughter and my need to get beyond - I am here today.

Moving out is much different than moving on...both are a process - both happen when we are ready - no sooner, never easy.  It happens when we least expect it (the moving on part)....one day, you will actually recognize that you SMILED...or someone says 'WOW! YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY - RESTED EVEN!'...another day, you actually have FUN!, soon each day brings something that allows you to lay your head on your pillow and think...Today was not bad...or Today, I enjoyed _____, Today I SURVIVED!.....one day at a time - it comes...as sure as the sun comes up, and the sun goes down....it comes.  When you are ready - it begins to get easier ....and soon your feelings that you are feeling now -  will seem behind you...fading away into a memory, instead of a day by day minute agenda....

Give yourself time...today is the first day of the rest of your life - it need not be rushed, nor planned...pamper yourself - do what you need to do 'just for today'...for tomorrow will slowly become easier to wake up to 

A note for Ayjay- BRING THE BABY to Alanon meetings!    Everyone loves babies; who cares if he/ she cries, or you need to feed.   Who else is more important in this world, and who else can you help more by going to meetings?

Runner, I felt your pain once.  I feel it now...but this time around (duh) I know that there is a person waiting to meet me...ME!   Independence is a blessing, and a lesson.   We do not NEED another, we are addicted to having another person in our life.  The best time to work on ourselves is when we do not have the distraction of any other person.   What an opportunity!   

We all need love...the love of family, the love of the Alanon group, and yes, the love of a mate.   The latter comes when we are most comfortable with ourselves; that is the only way to find true love.   There is no need to fear finding someone else, that can be put off until one is ready, and then, most certainly, it will happen.  It always does..."I'll never love again" is followed by "I can't believe I wasted that time worrying about not finding the right one, and now look!"

It's when we string out one relationship until we find another that we get into the cycle of addiction and dependence (sound like drugs? same thing.)

It's about trusting one's self.   It's important to let emotions go, and logic prevail.   You can do it.  I can do it.  Anyone can do it.  

When I was in this situation, I thought about what I was afraid of (needed the other person for.)    I made a list.   And I went and did those things.   It was scary.  It was sometimes overwhelming.   And I survived.  And I grew.  And I excelled at those things that scare me.   I took control of the one thing I could- my fears- and beat them to pieces. 

Eventually, I came to ENJOY my time alone, to read, to go out partying, to go to weddings by myself.   I ENJOYED having a bed all to myself, and to waking to the birds and the smell of crisp fall air all by myself.   I enjoyed travelling alone, with no agenda, nobody else to worry about, nobody else's needs or desires.   I enoyed doing tasks that normally take two people (like moving furniture) by myself, who cares if it took four times longer?   I found new friends- and who my friends really are.   My friends, not our friends, not conditional friends, but true friends.  After 18 months without silverware or plates, I bought those items- things I liked, and dammit, didn't have to compromise with anyone else.  I went to dinner by myself (this is tough for many people, it was initially tough for me) and enjoyed my own company; I enjoyed the attention I got from the staff; I enjoyed the strength of eating in a nice restaurant alone, and just the fact that I had the cajones to do it.  

I came to develop a sense of total independence and self-control.   I enjoyed my own company, and my own environment, and my own thoughts.   I enjoyed my new, GOOD, friends.   I felt blessed.

OK, so next time around I made the same stupid mistake (only worse) because I thought the other person would change.  Duh.  But I'd not been through Alanon, and didn't realize that the problem was systemic. 

I look at Alanon, for me, as round 2.   The first round of difficulties in my life I took control of me.   The second round, I've learned I can't control things outside of me.

Best wishes, hon.   There are a lot of people here for you.   Including (look behind you)  YOU.