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AH has been estranged from his children and family for years, for which it was explained to me because of his drinking and controlling manner. I reached out to his only remianing son that would speak to him when AH began his binging and first suicide attempt. I sought out some help from him and to make him aware that his father was on a one way course of destruction. Son advised me that AH had been like this for years, behavior was nothing new and was the reason for the estrangement. Enter AH's sister in the picture, she disputed AH's version of his childhood and mentioned she felt it was attention seeking on his part.
So Saturday, in myabsense, AH was admitted for detox, which I was very grateful. I was kept from knowing anything and I was ok with that. My priority has and is his wellbeing, no matter how it is delivered.
So yesterday I get a call from his sister telling me where he is and a phone number to call. Then she lights into me on no wonder her brother is drinking, and cursed me out for what she was worth. It seems like every conversation she, son and I had has been twisted into nothing but lies. AH has added further damage by not reporting the truth of his behavior either. They are now accusing me of stealing his money and neglecting to try to get him help. In his sisters words- How come it only took her 4 hours being out of state to do what I could not do in 4 weeks?
I have spoke to him and he sounds clear. He also sounds like an alcoholic, blaming everyone else. He is not going to accept any responsibilty for lying to his family, he now has all the attention he has been craving. At the cost of damaging my reputation. I admit, I have no coping skills for this type of dysfunction. I have always led a pretty honorable life, never tried to harm anyone and have always tried to be the best person I can be. I have never encountered such vile comments about me and I just do not understand how poeple can be this way. I lived in what felt like a war zone for three months and now they swoop in to save the day and take it out on me for "failing and abusing" AH.
While I am not concerned at all at the method of delivery of help for AH, I bothers me that I am being painted in such a bad light. I admit I have been frustrated at times and said things in the heat of the moment better left unsaid. But NOTHING to the extent that I am being accused of.
So now I am left in a precarious situation. I wish to help AH on his attempt at recovery but am not comfortable as to what he is relaying to his family. Not only is he less than honest, his sister has posted her version the whole saga on Facebook. I just feel that now I am under a microscope and nothing I do or have done has been right and I cannot win.
Sorry for the long story, I guess itis more of a vent than anything. It is an impossible situation as you cannot control other people but it is way to easy to live in your own world and judge someone else when you have never been in my home and bore witness to the ugliness a 4 week binge creates. My world has been shattered, not theirs.
I am sorry you are going through this. One thing really stood out in your post:
"My priority has and is his wellbeing, no matter how it is delivered."
I say this with all due respect. Your priority is not his well being. Of course you want him to get help. However, your priority should be you. It must be you. Recovery is about taking back your life, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Your recovery is about you and for you. It can't be about him. This is how we get sucked into their disease. He's in a safe place and getting the help he needs. Hopefully he will get into a rehab program. The best thing you can do is to focus on your recovery. Turn him over to the professionals and his HP.
As for his sister and the rest of his family, that's their sickness. I know it's hurtful especially when it appears on FB. It can be cruel. Live your life according to your standard you have set for yourself. If she wants to be this way, so be it. All you can do is thank HP that you don't stoop to her level.
In all this chaos remember to be extra gentle on yourself and be good to you. Enjoy the serenity. I remember when mine went into detox, it was lovely not coming home to chaos, even though he was a "quiet drunk" the majority of the time. When he was gone at least I knew what I was coming home to. Get to those face to face meetings if you can. They are very helpful. Much love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know I've acted out of fear and rage, and I've gone off the deep end yelling at people and blaming and just acting completely insane. The reason was, I was completely insane - completely immersed in the sickness. My sponsor told me when I'm angry and feel resentment coming on because of someone else's behavior toward me, to pray for that person. It isn't easy to do and I don't always want to do it. However, with time, I've come to understand that the people that hurt me with words a) do so because I allow their words to hurt me and b) are very sick themselves. Alcoholism sure takes a lot of prisoners. All the family members of an alcoholic are affected and their thinking becomes distored and irrational. Trying to keep that in perspective during and after an unpleasant interaction is helpful for me. It doesn't excuse verbal abuse by any means, but it certainly goes a long way in explaining why someone may be acting irrationally.
Acatnip wrote: I just feel that now I am under a microscope and nothing I do or have done has been right and I cannot win.
I know this feeling - I've had it a LOT in my life. I think it's been one of the hardest things for me in recovery.
In recovery, I'm working on not looking for validation through the actions of other people. It's a long process and I'm not very good at it some days. I still want approval for the things I do. I know in my head, though, that I don't NEED it, and I'm working to change my behavior in seeking it. Right now, I'm doing this by acting as though the only approval I need is my own. I'm doing it by doing what is best for me without asking other people what is best for me. I'm doing it by not apologizing for my actions when I have not done anything wrong, even when someone does not like something I have done. Sometimes it's hard and I have to bite my tongue because I want to cave in and apologize and try to smooth things over. I trust that like other aspects of my recovery, once my actions have changed, my thought process will eventually follow.
He also sounds like an alcoholic, blaming everyone else. He is not going to accept any responsibilty for lying to his family, he now has all the attention he has been craving. At the cost of damaging my reputation.
That sounds like the crux of it, right there. He's setting up another caretaker for himself by going into needy "help poor, poor me!" mode. Alcoholic manipulation and selfishness at its finest -- not caring who gets damaged in the process of sucking someone else into their chaotic disease.
For me, recognizing the behaviour for what it was really helped me to take a giant step backwards from the drama. Of course, the XABF would then just escalate the level of crisis!
And it's so hard when we live in the electronic age, and the attention-seekers publicly broadcast intimate details of their (and our) lives on the internet.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I have been following your journey and respect your dedication and recovery.
Denial and blame are part of the disease of alcoholism and unfortunately your Hubby's family is participating in this. I am so sorry you are being made the "Fall Guy."
Alanon taught me that if I admit I am powerless over people "What others think of me is none of my business" It was one of the greatest gifts of the program.
In order for me to change my automatic reaction to what felt like an attack, I would use the serenity prayer and refuse to justify or explain my actions.
That FB article is not true do not give it power and defend against it.
it pains me a great deal to say this but "welcome to the FAMILY disease of alcoholism/addiction"
Your AH doing exactly what most A's do and his family is doing what most A's families do -
In my experience, thru attending meetings, working with my sponsors and other Al-Anon members, and relying on my HP - I learned the best way i could help the A's in my life was to stay out of their recovery and focus on my own.
I know it doesn't seem to make sense - but it truly does work in aiding recovery.
oh and just on a side note - if the sister was so great at getting this accomplished - why hasn't she done this YEARS ago??? just a thought????
This is not about you - it's about a disease that is cunning, baffling and powerful - ready to destroy all it encounters - please take care of you!!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I spoke to AH today, he sounded quite upbeat and jovial. Of course, he is in the wrong place and they have all apologized for that and his mistreatment. He says they are telling him he is NOT an alcoholic and does not belong in there with the heroin addicts. Yeah, right. Funny how they didn't release him then, isn't it? Still no word on when that is going to happen.
He is also telling me that he has done alot of reading about alanon and now knows more about it than me. Guess he will be a great resource, huh?
Since his call just left me feeling cut off at the knees again, I decided no further phone contact until I feel stronger.
Then I receive an email saying he just signed a contract for 90 days 90 meetings. But he is not an alcoholic.
If u want to help ur AH, dive into ur own alanon program and detach from all the lies and mis-representations of the truth and everyone's side/perspective. Work on you, detach from everything else with love and stop enabling. BE grateful he is where he is and u now have time/space to work on YOU, the only one u can change or control.
For me it takes daily practise and real life applications.
tc-k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
