The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I sat down at my kitchen table, 10 years ago today... I sat down & wrote a letter to My Grandma in heaven...
I wanted to share a piece of it with you...
"I can sit down here & I can write my memories of her: Her memory will live with me forever, along with her STRENGTH, her COURAGE,& most of all her Love.
TODAY Grandam, I Decided to search for some of your Strength In Me & I decided that "I" for my family & myself will give up the one thing that always made me feel safe! That KILLER would be cigarettes..(Yet another of my past addictions).From this day forward, from the strength of my Grandma I will Lay My Habit down & I will Learn to sew, or knit or something that will not harm me but help me. (I did learn how to Quilt )
So Grandma... THIS BUTT'S For YOU! On this Day... March 29th 2000"
I would like to think that I had a visit from Grandma this past weekend, I had takin old files that I had tucked away, well over 10 years, decided... if they been there That Long, might as well get rid of them, took them to camp to throw on the fire... My son & I did this for 2 hours...lol... We had alot.. We get down to the very last box, and he isn't really looking for anything just checkin out differant things if that is were his stack was at... and he comes over & Says... "Hey Mom; Check this out" ... & there, 10 years " 48hours from the day" He finds 'THAT' Letter... One I had tucked away, forgot about, and haven't seen in over 9 years... by "Chance" it is saved from the fire... by "Chance" it was seen by my son...
So ... Did Grandma visit.. Was that My Pat on the Back for NOT Going back to the cigaretters,... I'd like to think so...
NOW... this may get lengthy Sorry its been awhile..
This past weekend I had the honor of making Not one but two.. Of my F2F meetings... 1st one was based on "Step 3"... GREAT MEETING... lots of faces, lots of shares, Tons of ESH... (Handing Our Will & Our Lives over to HP) well the Lead had stated that "To Her" she looked at it like being on a River in a boat, "everyone" had their own boat and when you took things in that wasn't yours to take your boat got lower & so on & so forth, and we talked about how everyones views on HP were differant...
I explained that because of my up bringing "I" was not a church goer, because were I was brought up.. If you were "Good" you went to Heaven, & If you were "Bad" you went to Hell... No "Grey Area" ... Well being a child of this disease, lets just say that every time I "tripped" I felt I was just guiding the way tords Hell...Thats what Church taught me... "Then"
So when I got HERE to Al-anon over a year ago, I had to really work HARD at Understanding "My" HP... For "ME" my 1st HP was my "F2F Meetings, that was my strength, it was my HOPE, it was My HP... "Who" was my HP Before Al-Anon... It was my Family that already paved the way to Heaven... The ones that beat me there... Just like above, My Grandma has been giving her strength, & her Hope to me All Of My LIfe,... (Yet She died when I was 14).
When I was younger, & needed to speak to her, I would go the gravesite, and sometimes sit & cry for hours, but when I left... I knew she carried me to the car... I guess that is why when "I" Look at Step 3 & What it means to me, well... Do I hand over my "Will"?? Do I Trust that HP's Decission for me, will be better then my Own??? Yeah.. I think I can do that... I"ve made it this far, and along this journey we all call life, I have found many HP's floating around, some on this very board... I have expressed to many of you my deepest gratefulness, because you's were yet another "HP" that kept my Spirit High, and My Process moving forward... What a Program to have when you don't know which way to turn...
My Meeting Last Night... Was Topic "Respect" GREAT MEETING AGAIN...
Lead spoke of how they were having problems with their A & How they found that they both have lost respect & How before they give up & give in, they was going to give "Respect" a try...
That got me to thinking about those in "MY" Life that I Respect, & those I choose not too... & WOW do I need work, I look at my Husband, & at times can have a short fuse, (We Work together, all day) & Pretty much do "Everything" together but maybe 'Girls Night'...lol...So when he says something that I am not in the mood to hear, I do become short with him faster... My Mom Is another target... I love her to death, but she has these "Blonde Moments" were you would like to just "wig out" and of course, also on that list is "Respect for Myself!" I have none...
These last 3 months, while drownding in my "Pity Pot" of Winter Depression... I have Eatin Dam Near Everything Chocolate covered nut that exists, I have given up on my "Sugar Intake", i have put back on 20lbs, my legs ache, my hips hurt all the time, and it ALL has to do with "Self Respect"... Winter Depression ALWAYS gets the best of me, and this past one was a duzey... over 2 foot of snow in one and many to add on top of that, it was horrible for me... I have pulled away from people, I have stayed away from others to keep from draggin them down with me... My Sponser told me the other night... that is one of my "Shortcomings"... I didn't understand... She Explained...lol..
She said... I was "Caretaking Her" when I wouldn't call her because "I" Thought it would bring Her Down... Hummm Had to marinate on that a while... Once it sunk... She was right... I didn't want to bring her down, (took away Her Choice), so I left her out of it... it wasn't about ME because I was already Bummed, and holding it in... Funny the things you learn when your not really sure why... But I"m getting better ... At alot of things and "Stopping & Thinking" is a Biggy... What a Blessing I have found in such a program, with such a wonderful support system....
Today... My 10 yrs anniversary I open up my daily reader & it says "TODAY I FEEL A STRONG SENSE OF SELF-DETERMINATION" Well... I think its Right on the Money... I am NOW... Proud of myself for my "Big Girl Step" 10 years ago, with all the chaos & Isms I ws still living with... And I'm starting my Week with a Cup full of "Self Respect", and my HP Holding my hand as I go farward, giving over MY Will to the God of My Understanding...
Thank you MIP... Thank you HP.... Thank You Al-Anon/ACOA for giving me the strength... To See My Own Worth...
So great to hear your ESH . HP and Grandma have been nwatching over yu for a long time. 10 years is a great milestone in giving up smoking and I am so glad your son forun that letter. A great gift!!
Loved your share on the 3rd step and "respect" I really believe alanon has taught me to treat everyone (eve my enemies) with courtesy and respect. What a great gift of this program I am so glad you have discovered it.
I found I had to really concentrate on making a gratitude list each morning so I could develp the respect for myself that I had hidden and ignored (like you) for many years.
Thanks for sharing your journey. I too have the chocolate bug and have gained 10 lbs in the 10 months I have been smoke free. Intend to work on that like you this spring
Happy 10th anniversary. I know for me no matter what my life gets better and better with al anon. I may not have it the way I want it but I can't help but see I make progress all the time.
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Sorry its been awhile.. 
. Intend to work on that like you this spring