Back again - Lost and angry - Al-Anon Family Group

Rose · Veteran Member

Back again - Lost and angry

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Rose wrote:

Hi all,

I haven't posted much but I read a lot of the messages and just want to scream at the world that the majority of the posts are exactly what I am feeling. This is a great place to come to know that you are not alone in this world.

. I have tried al-anon in the past and I don't know if it was me or just the group, but I couldn't get into it. Always found private counseling to help. I feel so trapped, unhappy, angry and just plain miserable. I need to find peace and tranquility in my life, for me and my son. I call my sisters, which of course they don't even want to hear it anymore. Its the same crap over and over again.

Dear Rose

I understand how you feel I too did not take to alanon at all when I first attended meetings. I would try anything else but these meetings. It seemed too hard!!!

When I hit bottom and had no where else to go I found the meetings once again. I returned to alanon and decided to sit at the meetings and heed the slogan--" Listen and Learn".

It is amazing when I returned with an open mind I found I could fit in share and utilize the tools. I felt better, my home life improved and I was able to take constructive actions.

As our alanon closing suggests--"We urge you to really try our program You will find help"

Please keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 29th of March 2010 12:39:50 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 29th of March 2010 03:22:03 PM

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Rose,

Understand that we have all been where you are at . Al-anon and its members
can help you and give you the relief that you deserve.

We all know how frustrating and hopeless it feels to live with an A, but confronting an alcoholic on his drinking will not improve matters. You also don't want to build resentment and misguided anger from your son. He is too young to really know whats going on.

It is my hope for you that you will turn to the tools of this program, If I didnt have Al-anon to turn to I would be insane or dead. For this disease is far too overwhelming for us to take on alone.

Please keep coming back and share with us or if you dont want to share, at least read the postings and I know you will gain some insights that you need right now.
Wishing you strength and hope. Bettina

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't find my first Alanon meeting helpful either. In fact, I left feeling like I lost an hour of my time that I was never going to get back, and I was no closer to figuring out whether to stay or leave my then-situation.

I know in hindsight that I didn't like it because I went there looking for someone to solve my marriage dilemma and tell me whether to stay or leave. Nobody told me that, and I didn't understand much of what was going on. Because i didn't understand, I didn't want to go back.

I hope you will keep coming back, even if it seems like you're hearing another language ... even if you can't keep your mind on the discussion ... and even if you feel lost. It will begin to sink in bit by bit, as opposed to all at once.

Welcome - glad you're here!

Kiki52 · Veteran Member

I, also, had to try twice for Al Anon to take with me. The first time I went, I thought they were all crazy, but I did buy some books and read them. Two years later, I went back and 'got it'. I would never have been able to stay in my marriage or probably to be happy anywhere if I hadn't started working the Al Anon program.

I've never found confronting the alcoholic about his drinking to be very productive. My husband would also become defensive. But to tell you the truth, I become defensive when someone starts pointing out my faults to me also. I've found detachment works better for me. Detachment and keeping to my own stuff have saved my sanity.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You have just described Al-Anons defenition of insanity , living with alcoholism . We try the same things over and over again thinking this time it will be different and it never is , we believe the lies over and over again . please go back to your meetings and just listen , your husb is doing what alcoholics do --- drink .
Made me sad when usaid your son was angry at you , I have heard that a thousand times , from alateen members over the last 20 yrs , they are often angrier at the non drinker than the alcoholic , kids accept the A just the way they are we are the ones starting the fights , searching for bottles and always confronting til a fight ensues ..
Accept that he drinks and there is nothing u can do about that , enjoy your sons birthday go ahead with plans wether the alcoholic participates or not , u do it for your son ..
Counceling and al anon work great together .
Accept him for who he is , know that u cannot change him but u can change yourself , it only takes one person to change to create change . good luck Louise

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Rose,

My suggestion to you would be to try another f2f meeting. Find one your are comfortable with. It is in the rooms of Al-Anon that you can find the help you need. I've been exactly where you are, the disease will drive anyone crazy and we become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic without even knowing it. We are as powerless over the disease as the alcoholic. Your AH realizes that, and even said as much when he told your son it was his fault you were angry. The disease is in control. It's hard to not take it personally and react when the alcoholic drinks. I understand, I've been there and gone that, but it never helped. I only loss my serenity. When I found the rooms of Al-Anon and made them a part of my life-----my life living with an active alcoholic changed-----not overnight----not in a week----but the more meetings I attended----and the more I applied the program----the better I got. I never questioned the program. I took it at face value. I listened to the old timers tell their stories and listened to their ES&H. I made a decision that if the program had worked for them----It could work for me. So please consider giving it another try, the program "Works If You Work It". Start taking care of yourself first---you deserve it !!!

HUGS,
RLC

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((Rose)))))))))))))))))

Yes, Your story isn't far from many, for me... My A was my father, I lost him to this disease BEFORE I Found AL-Alon, and it was his death in Nov. 08 that got me to learn "What" al-anon was...

I remember my 1st meeting as well... I was lucky enough that I had a Push from my a couple friends, One Telling me that I was not to make judgement on my 1st trip... I was to commit to making 6 meetings, and then and only then, making my choice as weather to stay or go... Lucky for me... #6 was the winner ... They got thru to my "thick" thinking, and broke down a large wall for me, and MIP was also a big part of it...

No one has the answers for you, BUT You... Thats was makes this program wonderful.. I didn't know I had such strength until I got into this program, I was drained out on courage, strength & Hope.... I was Lost & searching my soul to give me peace, but "I" Alone could not find it, no matter how hard I tried...

AL-Anon has taught me more things about myself then I ever knew... & I haven't even gotten to the end of the steps my 1st time around... And thats OK... I will get there when "I" alone am ready... When i am confident that I'm ready for the next one....

When i 1st excepted my role in the program, I went right on ahead and Married "Detachment" even tho my Father was gone, I still held the anger tords him for being so Stupid, Al-Anon taught me not to excuse his behavior, but accept who & what he really was... All of him, not just his disease... I still have alcohol all around, My Siblings fight it as well as myself... It is for sure a Cunning Disease...

I don't have the answers you need, but I will say, that if you keep coming back, sharing, reading, get the books if you can, you will see they were right in front of you all along, once you muster up the courage to allow yourself the wonderful "Gift" of Al-anon...

Friends in Recovery, One Moment at a time... Keeping you in my Prayers

Jozie

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

wb, Rose.

I dont think anyone that enters the doors of alanon are ready for what they hear. We come looking to fix someone else and we are told -we are hurting, it is us and it is that has to change.

My first attempt at alanon - I wasnt willing to surrender a thing, my ego (gotta be "right"), my ideas of control and all the other junk Ive bought into for so long as an ACoA. The truht is when ur sick and tired of living the way you are - u get willing to try anything and then and only then, do u become "teachable".

I no longer do the old behaviors I did before and for me it boiled down to - putting me first in my focus and loving, no more participating in manipulation, lots of good strong healthy boundaries in all aspects of my life and continuous practise of loving detachment. Today I am not emotionally enmeshed with others and I have found peace and serenity and many other program miracles.

I am living proof that it works when u work it - whatver u put into program and yourself here, pays you back. It works and you're worth it.

Rose · Veteran Member

thank you all for your support and to know I am not alone out here. I feel that all I do now is walk around angry or in tears as I am now reading the responses I received. I need to find happiness in my life, I need to find peace, I need to find the strength within myself to wake up every morning and be happy for what I have in my life....my son.
I did get an appt with an addiction counselor for next week (spring break this week and no one to watch my son). I plan on going to private counseling and al anon. Found a meeting that will work for me on my day off.
Thank you again for your kind words and support. I plan on coming back as much as I can.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can empathize a great deal. The ex A's uncle used to say that he was digging a hole that he could not get out of. Of course I argued, argued and argued some more. I also sat in pits of resentment and complete anguish all the time.

I can say absolutely al anon saved me. I learned tools here to really pull me out of despair. I learned how to detach, focus on me, have a good idea what the alcoholic was doing and not personalize it all. I cannot recommend enough the book Getting them Sober (there is a free offer at the top of the page). I also can't recommend enough spending a lot of time in this group. Everyone here has been through it, no one here will judge you, lecture you or shame you. There is an ability to share here that is not something I have found very often. There is also a love, understanding and comfort here that I haven't found elsewhere.

I also had been to al anon meetings for a long long time and never felt comfortable. I really had to get to a place of great despair before I would admit I was powerless over the alcoholic.

I know I still feel a lot of pain about what I endured around the alcoholic. There was much drinking and driving and crashing cars with him. There was also total chaos financially. I felt like every day was a bog of chaos and despair.

I came here and found a lot of solace. Eventually I started working the tools and the steps. I found friendship, companionship and support here. I hope you will give this a chance. You do deserve a place to come and call home.

Welcome.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.