loss a family member - Al-Anon Family Group

Rodney2009 · Member

loss a family member

Tattyhead · Senior Member

Rodney, I am sorry you are going through a tough time. I have just lost my father and it is like a physical pain.

Well done for staying sober for so long. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

(((hugs))))

Tish x

Rodney2009 · Member

Thank U

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Rod...You've got my thoughts and prayers. You might ponder expressing
more about your thoughts and feelings on the subject also. I am a double
with membership in Al-Anon and AA. I have arrived at the awareness that as
long as I've got the support of the membership and 24/7 a relationship with a
power greater than myself or a drink I have no reason to do so. In support
(((((hugs))))) smile

mlynn · Newbie

My husband and qualifier, whom I had just recently separated from, chose to take his life not quite 2 weeks ago. If it were not for the Al-Anon program and the love of my Al-Anon family, I don't know how I could cope. After I found out what he was doing before his passing, I have also gone from thinking I had a home and security to finding out I could very soon end up destitute and homeless, if that is God's plan. So my journey through this tragedy is only beginning, but I have the love of my Higher Power and my Al-Anon family to help me through.

Rodney, you are in my prayers tonight, hang in there and remember you are never alone.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Rod)) and((( MLynn)))
I am so sorry to hear that you have both lost a family member. This disease is cunning and powerful and I am so very glad you are in alanon and holding on to the power of this fellowship.

You both will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Please keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 28th of March 2010 11:54:00 PM

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rodney, I replied to your post last night, as reflected below, and then wasn't truly comfortable with how I replied. I went and read all your previous post and realized what you were wanting is an Al-Anon sponsor to help you work the Al-Anon program. When I figured this piece out, I even felt worse about my original reply to you, because while I may be right about directing you to the AA message board, I feel did an absolutely terrible job as either an AA or Al-Anon member.

Your struggle, your loss, your feelings should not have been minimized by me, no matter what program we are operating from, or what message board we are on. While I made the best suggestion I could at the moment to point you in the right direction, I didn't share any of my own experience, strength and hope with you as a member of Al-Anon or AA, of which I am both. Please forgive me, and allow me this opportunity to make things right.

I have been sober since 12/21/89. 20 years. I have been in Al-Anon since June of 1998. 12 years. I am active in both fellowships and have a sponsor and sponsee's in both fellowships. I have worked the 12 steps in both fellowships.

Like you, I have experienced the loss of loved ones as a direct result of alcoholism and addiction. In three situations it wasn't the alcoholic or addict that lost their lives, it was family members that died as a result of alcoholics/addicts disease. In 1997 my 11 year old daughter drown in a swimming pool at home, while her mother (my ex) was on a dope run. In 2005 two of my aunts (both elderly) were murdered by a crack addict who had broke into one of their homes to steal so he could score one more. And Lastly, 2008 my dearest sister, the person I was closest to (of my family of origin) was murdered, shot in the head by her intoxicated alcoholic husband. I have also lost a few friends, people in the program who went back out, some after years of clean time and sobriety, to have them never return, they died in their active disease.

So, I know a lot about pain in recovery. I know what it is to hurt at the core of my being when those I love are lost to a disease that has no mercy on any one around it. I know what it is like to be angry at and even question the goodness of God's will. I know what it is like to sink into the dark hole of depression, where no light can be seen. And I know what it feels like to think and feel like no one understands, and some don't even care what I am going through during these times. I know what it feels like to cry alone, and wonder when or if I'll ever get better, recover from life's pain's. I know what it's like...

I started building the Miracles In Progress website in 1998. The same year I came into Al-Anon. Both at the loving suggestion of my AA sponsor. I cannot begin to express to you how much doing something for others, like building this website helped me. I am without a doubt the biggest beneficiary of this endeavor. I truly believe it was a vital part of what saved my sobriety, my sanity and thus my life. Over the years here, when I was reaching out to others in need, I was getting out of myself. I was no longer able to stay focused on all the internal pain, and the sources of it. I was able to grieve and process it out, instead of hold it in. I was able to come out of me and play with the rest of the world again, instead of isolate on my pity pot full of shame, depression, anger, and regrets. I don't believe I truly hit the road of recovery, until I hit the rooms of Al-Anon. Yes, I'm a alcoholic, so needless to say I had to stop drinking first, and I had, for 11 years. I had worked a pretty strong AA program. But I still had a hard time defining where I started and others stopped, or where they started and I stopped. My relationships were more like hostage taking endeavors. I was a people pleaser, approval seeker, that would stop living my own life or meeting my own needs for the sake of others lives and their needs. Most of them I made absolutely miserable, and for the most part I turned it all around so I could resent them for not appreciating me and my efforts.

The first concept of Al-Anon that caught my attention was "Detach". There were a few heads I wanted to Detach, but I learned what it meant, to "Detach with love". This meant I had to stop hugging people with both hands around their messily necks! I had to learn how to stop loving them to death, and love myself enough to live again. Al-Anon taught me how to do this. Al-Anon taught me that self care didn't need to be exclusive, but it needed to be inclusive, it needed to include me. Al-Anon taught me where I begin and others stop, and others begin and I stop. Al-Anon taught me how to set healthy boundaries and honor them myself, instead of place MY boundaries on everyone else, and then expect them to honor what isn't theirs. Al-Anon taught me to stop expecting unhealthy people, to have healthy responses. Al-Anon taught me.... to grow up and do the adult swim.

You have asked for a online Al-Anon sponsor. I am willing to do this, if you are willing to have me as a sponsor. Provided we both understand that my sponsoring you here, doesn't excuse you from finding a f2f Al-Anon sponsor at some point in the future. We can move towards that bridge together later. If you want we can talk by phone a few times a week, and I will give you very real Al-Anon step work to do in a specified time frame, so we can get you moving forward in your healing process.

In the Spirit of Recovery,

John F.

*********

Hi Rodney,

I am trying to understand your post here today. In one post you say you can't find a sponsor and in another you say you have stayed sober thanks to your sponsor.

This is an Al-Anon message board for family and friends of alcoholics. It appears you may qualify as a Al-Anon member as well as a AA member, like myself, but what you are dealing with right now appears to be something that might be better addressed on the AA message board. They are a great group of people who can help you get through the hardships you are facing.

Just like you did here, please consider registering on the AA groups message board at http://aa.activeboard.com as I truly believe that right now you would be better served there. Many have faced the struggles you are facing in your recovery from alcoholism so it would truly benefit you to seek some of them out.

It is important to us that we try to keep this board Al-Anon focused, okay?

John

-- Edited by John on Monday 29th of March 2010 08:55:45 AM

Rodney2009 · Member

I am not sure were your from John but I am from Peterborough Canada I do both programs AA and use to do NA now Al-an on and due to them moving to another area I only go to the AA meeting. I find no respect for NA so thats why dont go there anymore. Now re your post I found it really rudse what U said on the 1st one but I forgive it and liked the 2nd one so no effence taken man thanks Rod and thanks to all who replyed to me.

Rodney2009 · Member

I might go to the al-anon meeting this week if I can due to appointments.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.