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Hi Everyone, I have been to weekend convention this weekend and had a very strange experience. I asked my Hp before I left to help me to keep the focus on me. The convention is called new beginnings and I wanted to really start to focus on my recovery. My sober ABF was attending the convention also and a couple of his friends.
I felt very alone at the convention my ABf was going to meetings with his pals I knew the odd al anon member but there was only one other member from one of my groups. I was introduced by an AA member to a lady who was a newcomer and sat with her during some meetings sharing my ESH. Then last night somethings strange happened. The message I was receving was not what I wanted to hear. I was sick very sick, now my A is sober I am looking at me all kinds of stuff came up from childhood which I must have repressed. I now see alcoholisim has been in my life since I was born. My mum was the child of an A. She was a raging controller and I cn now see how I have been affected. All my life I have focused on othrs, their pain, probs etc. It hit me like a tune of bricks. My poor partner got the brunt of these emotions and last night I was very fearful and he encouraged me to go to a meeting it took a lot of courage and I felt a ltlle better. When I came out I could not find him and he was not answering his phone. Then an AA member said he had gone to a meeting with another AA member (who is a little blonde piece). I felt myself start to get panicky again. The AA member went into the marathon meeting but my partner and the girl where not there. There was one more meeting I was getting more and more anxious. (FEEL SO STUPID SHARING THIS). As we got to the other AA meeting he was coming out with this girl I stormed off. we got in the car and I went nuts saying he knew I was in a state etc etc. I said some really bad stuff I did not trust him ( he has been unfaithful that is was broght me to al anon). We went back to our room. When I came too a bit I apologised and said I had nothing left to give I was sick of looking after everyone I was in total melt down. he was very angrey at my behaviour which is understandable. This morning he was more understanding. We went back to the convention I was supposed to be sharing. All of a suden I had a major panic attack. The one other member from my group was close by she told me to ring my sponsor and went and explained I would not be sharing. My partner put me in the car and drove the hour home straight to my sponsors house.
After an hour with her I was fine. I know realise just how much I have been affected by this disease. I have to change all my childhood programming and deal with a lot of pain and acceptance. When my pain hit my A was there and got the lot, it was his first weekend convention and he ended up missing the sobriety countdown (I feel so guilty). So I asked HP to help me get the focus on myself and he has given me a lot to start looking at. My sponsor said I need to stop being so tough on myself and that I try a little hard sometimes. I just want to get better I am sick of pain. I worry what I am doing to my own kids. So Hopefully now I know I have just as many problems as the A I can keep the focus on me. All I know is I will keep coming back and reaching out to the people who are on the same road of self discovery and look forward to more serenity once I clense mt sole.
thanks for listening
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 28th of March 2010 11:32:31 AM
Hi Tracy, I hope its a beautiful day wherever you are today!
Tracy, what Im hearing is that your too concerned about your abf and what he is doing. This recovery is about you and only you. Stick with your sponsor and quit asking your HP for such little things, work towards your recovery so your life will be more manageable, and more in control.
Keep working the program and use the tools for YOU. Your boyfriend is in his own recovery, whether he choses to make his own friends , who happen to be blond, is his choice. We cannot control what other people do , especially the A. Sounds like your afraid of losing him. What your losing is much bigger, yourself.
I hear your pain, my x ah had a 10 year off and on again affair, which produced twins. No matter, its all about our recovery, what ever happens down the line. We still have to do the work! We have to find our sanity, we have to find a meaningful relationship with our HP within us. You cant attack all your problems in one day, remember, One day at a time and easy does it.
I wish you strength and courage, hope and wisdom for a brighter future. Luv, Bettina
These emotions sound very tough to handle. But you are at the right place -- at your meetings and on these boards. And it sounds as if you've made some great strides in realizing how alcoholism has affected your life all these years.
I know those feelings of utter panic and fear -- like if other people do one more crazy thing, I'm going to have a meltdown.
That is what detachment teaches us -- how to stay secure even if they are crazy -- how to keep our serenity. Also I'm beginning to see how to tell the difference between situations I should be cautious of and situations where the only problem is my fears. My old habits seemed to be to remain calm in the face of situations where I should have gotten the heck out of there (like: realizing that I'm dating an alcoholic), and panicking in situations where I should have been calm. I think that's the "wisdom to know the difference" part in the Serenity Prayer.
But as they say, you didn't get where you are in a day, and you can't change everything in a day either. Keep coming back and it will get better and better.
Ouch!! Tracy. Been there and done that...that way also. Years later let me tell you that it comes out okay and it happens as it happens...we did not cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. You have found out alot...You opened the "Hurt Locker" and you were'nt intending to. I believe that my HP never gives me more than I can handle and puts people in place that I can lean on for support whenever I need to handle "tought spots". You did some good program stuff for yourself and you learned a bunch while at a convention (bunches of recovering people to carry you into recovery when you can't walk in yourself) that alone for me was a blessing each and every time it happened and one of those times the person who picked me up, dusted me off and pointed me in the right direction with a good map was an Alateen I had never met up until that moment. Thank you God!!
I find nothing unacceptable about what you went thru and how you responded to it. You did it the best you know how with the best program you have grown up until now. You will be able to handle the realization that you were born and raised in it. I did and have. Following the suggestions and the experiences of others laid in front of me I have arrived at a program of balance. HP first, Myself and then the others who I am able to help and support.
I wouldn't like to go thru that pain again that you went thru. Once is enough!! and hopefully once will be all we needed. Of course given an opportunity to go into it again without HP and program others I pray that our choices will be as good as they were now. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
