The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Those were words I heard from alot of people in my life. The problem with that was that if it were true I was in serious trouble. I reached a point where I was just not willing to take that as truth. I knew something was very wrong with my attraction, misplaced loyalty, and downright broken heartedness with a relationship if I was fearlessly honest with myself that was so one sided, sprinkled with meanness and kindness tossed in here and there. I had become like a starving person looking for a crumb. I was hating myself for it. Yet, I remained broken hearted. Intellectually I knew why it was toxic but emotionally I was attached none the less. I decided to look at what love really meant to me...why did I have these feelings in spite of the evidence of my relationship? I needed to get rid of them but I didnt know how. I became willing to look at how my mind works..how its been programmed and why I think the way I do. For me ..something had to change. Once I accepted that it certainly wasnt going to be anyone else it left me with no choice. I came to realize I was sick long before the alcholic waltzed in..this was a huge turning point for me because truthfully the thought never occured to me. My thinking was so distorted long before the relationship came to be. I came here looking to fix the alcholic and everyone said focus on me. Seriously that was the last thing I wanted to hear, I almost didnt come back. But I was desparate and it made me come back. :) I was so willing to get better that I entertained any and all ideas to see if the shoe fit. Sometimes it did sometimes it didnt. But being as stubborn as I am...i was willing to at least think about it. Honestly too. I can say something that never in a lifetime would I thought I would say which is...had it not been for the relationship I may never have found myself...as I would never have been led here. I made a lot of choices in my life based on some very unhealthy thinking..all the while thinking I had it all together...sheesh...these choices went way beyond relationships I chose to get in. As my perceptions change, so have my feelings...thank god...as I heard no one ever died from "feelings" but I felt that I may be the first if they didnt...Miracles do happen..I was willing....:) just felt like babbling this morning....blessings :)
"Intellectually I knew why it was toxic but emotionally I was attached none the less"
i can relate to this. i'm just beginning again to work on these issues, and working through the latest pain that the last toxic relationship brought me. it's much easier to look outside for answers, comfort, etc than to look inside and make changes.
each day i read this board for inspiration and hope. i love the fellowship. and i thank HP every day that i can live in an age where i can easily log on to the internet, come here and feel less alone.
Beautiful post. I agree and have experienced the same. I went through life unable to have a healthy relationship and didn't find it odd. Actually, I was just starting to see it when I got into the relationship where I hit my bottom. I remember saying to myself "The next relationship I will be more accepting, I will let them be who they are and not have such high expectations for their life, their morality, their work ethics etc." I seemed to judge everyone so harshly and expect wonderful things from them instead of just loving them for who they were.
Then the toxic relationship . . . My bottom. The sudden dynamic shift from pushing everyone out of my life and having peace and tranquility (surprising how being alone does that) to complete chaos and emotional upheaval. His infidelity and emotional abuse pushed every single trigger I held at bay my entire life. I lashed out at him for his actions and the actions of every other person who had ever hurt me. Then watching myself cling onto that regardless of how unhealthy. I went from pushing quite normal, loving relationships out of my life to letting this one nearly kill me.
I too was so desperate I would have done anything to make this right, to remove the pain and suffering. Hence Step 1 and 2. I admitted that perhaps I was the problem, my life had become unmanageable, and having the hope that taking these steps would restore me to sanity. I was insane.
The work was hard, it was painful to be unabashedly honest with myself about my mistakes, hard to make amends where necessary - but the relief was palpable. I have grown - not only was sanity restored and the peace I knew before back in my life, but I was even better. I have learned to really look at myself, honestly, and if I manage to do it before I take actions (evaluate my motives) it really helps me keep my side of the street clean. If I make a mistake it is easier to apologize. And as far as judging others - I am getting better at accepting them for who they are as the 4th - 9th steps showed me I am not as pristine as I thought I was. Heck, I am just another human being doing the best I can, just like everyone else. But this program of Al-Anon also made it possible for me to say "no", to not allow unhealthy behavior in my life, to accept someone for who they are with compassion but be able to say "this isn't for me, sorry".
Thank you for the inspiring share. Wonderful way to wake up on a Sunday morning.
Your in recovery,
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
wow Im in tears here. xter, I felt the same way, I was grateful I found a place I was understood --- finally in my life.
"Once I accepted that it certainly wasnt going to be anyone else it left me with no choice."-DreamXL
"I came here looking to fix the alcholic and everyone said focus on me. Seriously that was the last thing I wanted to hear, I almost didnt come back. But I was desparate and it made me come back. :) I was so willing to get better that I entertained any and all ideas to see if the shoe fit. Sometimes it did sometimes it didnt. But being as stubborn as I am...i was willing to at least think about it."-DreamXL
I know I felt the same way, its a bitter pill to swallow and no one wants to hear it at first -but- it also became a blessing bc changing is SO empowering and life enhancing and you get self control in the process. Where I was in the manipulative/abusive relationships in the past, most of the energy is wasted/ineffectual - working on self makes you feel good on the inside, controlling self gives you self respect, freedom, self esteem, value, the list goes on & on. It's totally liberation and you get to rescue YOUrself from what u learned as a kid.
As an adult u have choices, can self parent and nurture your inner child. Loving yourself first -as your own main priority- gives you more of an understadning of what love and compassion are bc you're honoring, resepcting YOU first. The respect from others is no longer an issue bc I MYOB (Mind My Own Business), dont get over-involved in other's, staying in me and this present moment - what they think of me is none of my business, after all. I matter. I matter first and foremost. This deep spiritual love of self becomes your reason for living and you esteem yourself. Through lots of surrender, the love I experince and in the Now of each new moment - I am connected to my HP/GOD and can be open to the unlimited possibilities that GOD offers/presents. It feels like an ever expanding reality.
I did have to let go of any and all expectations to have this feeling, though. Even now, if I begin to expect behavior, it takes me away from the unfolding and opening up and all things are possible feeling I get when I surrender my ideas to HP/GOD. So, when I drop all my ideas/outcomes I tap into HP/GOD's unlimited possibilities.
Idk what I was trying to control (pre al-anon), it certainly wasnt me I was an out of control control freak. Or what I was even afraid of bc I manufactured the fear in my head (fear of being out of control, perhaps bc - I was wasting my time attempting to control others & already was out of control). Its funny, I was terrified to take responsibility for myself bc it meant dropping the victim and blaming. I was just doing what the A's did, trying to shift responsibility. So when I did stop manipulating and participating in that and the drama & fighting in general -- it was fun and easy to change the self bc I didnt have to argue or cajole me to do anything (like those hard headed "other" people, who resented my meddling) I would say to self - ok try this - and I did it and I got results and it was empowering!!! WOW.
My first year in program was about me just being able to focus on me and love me. My favorite topics were always, willingness and surrender. HOW Honest, Open Minded and Willingness is the way.
You said it (((dream))) -- acceptance, taking responsiblity and (brutally) honestly looking at self with willingness is the way. Forgive YOUrself and it gets so much easier and freer ~ soar angel! Thanks so much for this post
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((all)))) thank for your esh on this topic...it is so wonderful to have a place to share our deepest and sometimes darkest thoughts as well as our strength and hope....I feel that God sometimes speaks to us thru others and now would be one of those times...thank you...over time I have come to understand.."we dont always see life as it is, but we see it as we are"....Blessings :)
I left my alcoholic husband 6 months ago and now waiting for our divorce to go through. I have and still love him very much.
However I knew that I couldn't live in the situation any longer as I felt that I was destroying myself by being there. During these past 6 months I have read alot on code dependency and what alcohol does to a family.
Learning to detach my husband the man from the alcoholic has helped me learn not to be angry or to hate; instead I've learned compassion and learned to still love the man.
In leaving I did what I haven't seem to do previously -- take care of me. And so far I'm loving my time, my space, and myself.
I certanly grew up in a very very unhealthy environment. To surive I had to learn to relate to people who were quite simply "ill". Therfore my tolerance for inappropriate, sick behavior was high. I also had very bad abandonment issues. They were to the extent that I would get extremely anxious in relationships. Pretty much the way I suvived was to relate to people who quickly became dependent on me. I therefore had very highly dependent relationships on both sides. I was as dependent on them as they were on me.
Learning to relate differently has been a wonderful gift in al anon. I have boundries these days that cannot be crossed. i no longer gratvitate towards "saving" others. I have turned a full circle. At the same time I did what I knew how to do until I got here. I really can't fault myself for it. No one but no one who grows up in abuse makes a complete 180 without support, kindness and al ot of direction. I found that in al anon.
I fully agree for me. In the last couple of years of recovery I've come to the realization that I can't help loving at all or wishing to be loved in return for that matter because I was created that way. So loving or being loving is as natural as breath however when I look at my choices to be intimate and loyal with and to here in exposes my problem. If I could think like I love (or lust as the case can be at times) I'd be okay. Not being okay I have learned to love unconditionally without "the need to depend on exclusively". Make sense. No matter it makes sense in my recovery today. I no longer make an alcoholic dependent upon my peace of mind and happiness.
"I certanly grew up in a very very unhealthy environment. To surive I had to learn to relate to people who were quite simply "ill". Therfore my tolerance for inappropriate, sick behavior was high " Good grief...that was perfectly put... Not until now did I truly see and understand how much it affected me....thank god for recovery and awarness.....:)
my little brother, of all people, gave me some insight today. he told me that "we were raised this way - we can't stand being alone for a second so we take whatever's right in front of us"
here's to learning to discern whether or not what's in front of us is really worth it.
Abandonment is a wound that I certainly suffered as a child. As a result of this I wanted to take every relationship very fast. I felt a lot of pain at any perceived sign of rejection. Therefore a healthy relationship was not possible for me. I went for the same people who rushed in quickly.
Secondly boundaries. I grew up without them. In order to "survive" I could not acknowledge there were none. Everything in my family of origin was merged. My parents required parenting. My two sisters fought tooth and nail for whatever meager needs my family could meet. There was no semblance of "health". I was therefore very very comfortable with "enmeshment". Needy people did not feel foreign to me, they were absolutely familiar. Furthermore I had no ability for self preservation. In order to survive I had to in so many ways abandon myself.
My family felt I was selfish for example if my younger sister (who was in a different grade than me) failed at high school. Somehow I was responsible for her failure and my inability to "fix it" meant that I was incredibly selfish. I do believe my younger sister to this day somehow believes I could have fixed her transition to high school, quite how is beyond me. I grew up with magical thinking like that. Therefore when I met people like the ex a who was full of magical thinking it wasn't necessarily a red flag for me.
In al anon I learned to really slow down relationships. I learned to listen rather than to gloss over what people said. I learned to highlight certain things.
Of course I did not learn boundaries over night. To get to a place of meaning what I say has taken years. I also had to get to a place of being willing to wait. I'm waiting right now for the right relationship. Maybe I will never get the right relationship. Maybe I will. Whatever way it goes I do know I trust myself these days in ways I did not before now.
Furthermore, I am not alone any more. I have people to ask in the program. I can talk about my life here in ways I never could before. I can ask for help (I got none as a child or rather if I asked for help there was a tremendous price involved in it).
So insightul...thank you...My willingness to look at everything as painful as it can be at times has certainly helped me towards recovery...i can so relate to everything u wrote....very powerful thank you....:) blessings
