What To Do?? Need Serious Advice - Al-Anon Family Group

Acatnip · Veteran Member

What To Do?? Need Serious Advice

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The insanity goes on and on, doesn't it?

I don't think staying there will absolve you from the charge of taking the stuff if someone wants to accuse you. But the bottom line is that you didn't take the stuff, and you shouldn't have to bend over backwards to prevent them accusing you. If they're so silly or insane as to accuse you of taking stuff you didn't take, I don't think you can prevent them. And it isn't as if it was bricks of gold or something.

To my mind, your job is the same as always, which is to take care of yourself and do what's right for you. If other people get all bent out of shape, that's their business.

A reasonable man would not disappear without telling you where he was going and what his plans were. A reasonable man would not expect to come home without warning. My take on this is that you should never have to do anything beyond what's reasonable. So if you need to change the locks to protect yourself, you need to change the locks. If he's going to arrive home unexpectedly, without having kept you informed and in the loops about where he's gone, for how long, and when he's expecting to come back, then the consequences are that he might find the locks have been changed. You are not called upon to enable his secrecy and bad planning.

It would spook me to be in the house without the locks being changed, considering that you don't know who has the spare key. If I were in your shoes, I'd get them changed.

And if you were planning to move out, this doesn't seem to me to be reason to change those plans. In fact, the secrecy and bizarreness of this might be all the more reason.

My 2 cents -- take if it's useful, not if not.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Myself I would not change locks but add a deadbolt or another deadbolt. I don't know how you place is but I also fenced all around my place and put a gate on front.

Another great deterrant I use is hanging bells on the doors and windows. Chimes too. Have a very cool one on my front door that is chimes running horrizontally down a thin cool branch.

There are so many neat bells. I prefer the ones from India and Africa.Adopt another dog or two?My big dogs are great but I tell ya, my ankle biters are scarier than my Great Pyrenees!

I guess also in my experience, I stopped being in the drama. Not thinking about him and his experience. What he does is his own business. My job is to think of me and my loved ones.

I always figured if someone wanted me bad enough they can come find me. I would lock my doors and secure the house when I was and am gone.

Hope you find some serenity. love,debilyn

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello, sorry you are in the middle of craziness right now. I had a thought ... could you call the nonemergency police line and just create a notation for them that your husband left in an odd manner and these things are missing, key is missing. They could perhaps patrol your street a little more pften, or at least know if something looks strange to check. I know creating the log does help with things like proving harassment and getting a restraining order, so maybe it could help with something like this too.

Jen

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

If it were me I would do exactly what Jen suggested .. too wierd for me . goodluck . report what happened and let it go . Louise

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

What u said u were going to do - call the police and file a report, is def the best first action to take and I hope udid that already - when u posted this eight hours ago. If udidnt, do that right away. That will help to protect you, leagally. You really dont know what happened, he couldve taken it to storage and now u have the testimony of his son saying that, who knows he couldve taken the valuable stuff to a pawn shop. When A's are on a binder they do some pretty fantastically insane things.

Im not sure why u would want to stay there after having decided to leave already. I would assume this was a stunt/plow to get u to stay and be worried for him and stuck in the drama of the disease. I know my exAH always denied everything he did and said, even five minutes after it came out of his mouth. There was no reasoning with him at all.

Jennifer's right, if u dont make a formal complaint with police, they wont be able to help you the next time if u need a restraining order when/if he is beating down the door of ur new apt/residence if u do indeed go soon. At least u could call the cops to find out what your options are and what they need to have from you, just in case u do need their help in the future. Ask them what u need to do, so u can leave with a clear conscience.

Acatnip · Veteran Member

Thanks for all the suggestions. I am calling and making a police report and changing the locks. I will have to find a place to put the new keys so he can get in when he returns as I will be gone. I do not wish to have to meet him to hand them off nor trust anyone associated with him to do it either.

Kitty, for clarification, I have no wish to stay. I was just trying to be able to move my things (and only my things) when he is not here. I will not be able to get it all as I have few pieces of furniture I cannot move. My hope was to fly under the radar this weekend, avoid conflict and be gone on Monday when he goes to work. The threats of suicide have left me raw and my defences are low. I want to just quietly be gone without drama.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Documentation seems the best call - police report, photos of his/your possessions, witnesses.
All the best. Your HP does not want you to lve this way.

In support,
Nancy

tlcate · Senior Member

I am glad to hear that you are continuing to put what is right for you as your first priority. Everything else will work itself out. Take the proper precautions to protect yourself and continue on the path of self care.

tlc

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I lived in very similar insanity. Living with an active alcoholic can be absolutely insane. If the property is "his" I don't think you can legally change the locks. So I would suggest rather than leaving the key somewhere for people to find depositing it with the family.

I know full well the issue of leaving and leaving stuff behind. When I left the ex A it was minus many of my possessions. Indeed for awhile he had our two dogs. He didn't feed them, take care of them and basically abandoned them. I was put in a position where I had to step in.

No one I know and I know plenty gets a good clean break on a relationship like this. Accepting it is going to be messy, with a lot of loose ends is extremely difficult.When I left the ex A I was in contact with him for a good year before I was willing to let a lot of the mess go. Indeed I let a lot of my things go and left the mess with him after trying valiantly to sort it all out.

Secrecy seems to the hallmark of a lot of chaos. The ex A I was with never told a single truth when I was in the process of leaving him. He would have all these plans and some of them were legitimate and some were outright lies meant to confuse and upset me. There was some power for me in upsetting me. I had to learn to turn it all over and that was so so difficult.

I am glad you are here and you have a plan be. I hated making one but when I did I felt empowered and less focused on the ex A.

maresie.

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