The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to al-anon, but have been considering joining for around 12 years, when I first read the book 'women who love too much'. I went to my first meeting 3 weeks ago and plan to attend regular after some time reflecting. I wasn't sure if it could help me, I am not here because im pregnant to a guy in NA, and we are not together due to the relationship being unhealthy on both parts (story of my life), or because my Dad and brother could fit into the label of alcoholic, or because my Mother is so emotionally unavailible due to her Dad being an alcoholic, I am here to change myself and my defects of character. I have two older sons and regret that my limited emotional capacity has not give them the best upbringing they could have had, now im older, pregnant, a little wiser I want to change for my daughter who is due in the summer, as well as myself. I hope to beat my pattern of unhealthy relationships, and become a better person and free myself of fear, hurt, insecurity that make me feel emotionally crippled at times. I hate to admit im smoking way too much whilst pregnant, really struggling to eat, due to the latest break up with me and my ex, and feeling bad as I know I have to get better quick for the baby inside me and to be well enough to cope when she is born. I have faith I can do that with the help of the groups. I have read self help till i am blue in the face, trained and qualified as a counsellor, work in the substance misuse field, but that has not been enough to get me to a healthier point in my life, well not as healthy as id like to be. Im hoping if I can do more to help myself, then maybe il be of help to others at some point, who are in inner turmoil when alone, when rejecting cuts you up making you pretty immobile, and abandonment fears make you like a wild cat lashing out to hurt others for a reaction and power and control. keep your fingers crossed for me, i need it!!
Welcome from another who has bounced in and out of these rooms and others like them for over 20 years. At times it seems I have made no progress and at others I am able to see that my still being able to 'show up' means I am still making progress! Glad you are here. hugs, donna
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
You have made a great first step. The Al-Anon program, f2f meetings, combined with MIP is a guarantee for success. The program has been a life saver for me as well as thousands of others worldwide. You will learn the tools of the program and how to apply them to your life. It won't happen overnight, but if you continue to work the program and apply the programs principles----- your life "will" get better. The disease has left you with a lot of scars just as it does everyone it touches. In the program we come to realize we have to "unlearn" our old habits and old ways of thinking when dealing with this disease. We realize we have to change. We learn that we have to take care of ourself first etc. etc.------your recovery has just begun------.
Welcome, I'm gald you are here, keep coming back. With you, I think I hear the beginning of another Al-Anon success story. Good luck, and remember "It Works If You Work It".
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 27th of March 2010 02:03:40 PM
Al anon has helped me tremendously. Please don't be too hard on yourself, Changing family patterns is tremendously hard work, no one does t his overnight.
I have been in al anon now for 7 plus years and found it very helpful. Is my life still a mess, certainly? At the same time I have a much better sense of self and a better outlook. So there are no miracles here, inside work is tremendously tough and hard but there is always progress.
Your words of encouragement are like a soothing medicine. I have been stuck in self loathing feeling shame and failure about the relationship ending (again) and my reaction to that by sending a psycho amount of nasty tex messages. I have given my ex the power to put me down and my behaviours have left me feeling like I deserve it. That helps him avoid looking at himself and his part, which helps neither of us. I don't want to give people the power to hurt me anymore or to dislike myself when my insecure side manages to take over. To end that i know it is my behaviour I have to work on, then any nasty put downs from my ex I can leave him to carry and own.
Being isolated due to the dysfunction in my family hasn't helped. Being on your own pregnant with no partner for support, or family is really tough and it is so easy to tell yourself ''my family are not interested in me, my partner hates me and doesn't want to be around, there must be something very wrong with me''. So I am trying hard to avoid victim and work on my flaws so i can hold my head high without soaking up and blaming myself for other peoples inabilities. I know it isn't all me at fault!
I am lucky to have a few real good close friends in my life, one is going to be with me at the birth, and i know they will be there when the baby is born. So I have that to be thankful for. I can tell them who I really am and what I am really like when I am not at my best and I am still accepted and loved without judgment, they also give me an honest kick up the backside if need be. I guess the meetings will also add to that if I work them. I am hoping this baby will benefit from the changes I make in my life, so that the patterns in her life are not so hereditary and damaging. My sons are wonderful, aged 15 and 20 and regardless of my awareness that I was not in the best of places myself bringing them up, I tried my best and they have certainly managed to turn into lovely people regardless of any negative parenting I have passed down to them. So although there is room for improvement, I have also managed to do a pretty good job regardless as a Mum so far.
I have started today with a coffee and cigarette and shame due to me being pregnant. Writing this I can see that I have a new baby in the summer to look forward to, a little girl after two boys, so that is wonderful I get to enjoy some girly time at long last. I will have a nice long time off work in the summer with my family. Next year is exciting as il be going back to work part time, adjusting to that and im also planning on selling my house and moving to a better area for a fresh start for us all. So why im on auto pilot in my pj's with the curtains shut, coffee and cigarette in hand is beyond me? So thanks again, maybe there is something magical about this place, as it may have helped some 38 year old woman in England change her focus, and spend the rest of the day eating healthy (il force it down if I have to) and enjoying a Sunday at home with her family. Instead of using my home as a cave for indulgance in melancholy :)
You say u were raised by a mom that couldnt cope bc of he A dad, so she is ACoA (adult child of adddict/alcoholic) - I would say that u are acoa too. The book 12 Steps for the Adult Child helped me the most with my alanon program and the issues I had stemming from childhood. Suffering from abadonment issues is an ACoA trait. So is the trap of perfectionsim - I know the fear of not being perfect was so strong in me that I was paralyzed and not trying to do anything anymore, when I got back to alanon. That fear of not making a mistake - is so tragic bc we learn by our mistakes, I was stuck and not learning anything. I had to give myself permission to make mistakes, so I could begin to try something new.
For me the fear of abandonment went away once I was actively loving me first and puttting me first, as my own first priority. I suddenyl was getting filled from love within and I quit looking outside of me for love, validation, forgiveness, respect - bc I was doing it on the inside. Perhaps focsuing on YOU first and loving you first will yield the same result for you, as I had.
My mom too has education in psychology, she has her Master's and yet, she cant apply the info to herself. Knowing it one thing and applying it to self, another. I certainly hope u will bc she is still suffereing and I see her as a love addict, as I felt I showed outward signs of that beahvior as well.
Focsu on you, love u first and forgive you for whatver it is you need to. I had to forgive me for being human and accepting the abuse many time over. I had a therapist for a lil while and she said forgiveness happens in layers - u cant forgive a ton of resentments in one swoop, u ahve to keep peeling away layers of pain to get totally free of it but it can be done. I did self forgiveness work for about a year. As I would forgive one incident, a new memory would bubble up and Id be working on that one. For a while it felt like a never ending pool of memories bubbling up to my conscious mind. Sometimes I had to feel it through and get back into it b4 I could - deal and then heal/forgive it.
I had so much to work thru, stepping back from ego, letting go of being "right", letting go of being the entertaining one, the rescuer (codie), the martyr, I was abusing myself by taking in the stuff from the past and continuing it in my own head, it was self abuse. As an adult, we can self parent and choose to change and live anyway we want to. I was using "coping mechanisms" in my adult life that I picked up in the dysfuntional childhood I had, they werent working or effective for me anymore, so I let many of them go.
Looking at ur past patterns of relationships too is extrmely enlightening. My first codie realtionship was with my mom. Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Your awareness gave me goosebumps. Took me a while of "fake it 'til you make it" before I got it and stopped pointing my finger at everyone other than me.
Great job. Please keep coming back. I think you are going to teach us a lot!
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Welcome ((ayjay)) - you are in the right place. I have received so much unconditional love and acceptance from the members of this program - it's been a huge help in my journey in learning to love myself. If total strangers can love me and accept me, then I must be loveable and worthy of others' regard. What a concept!
I completely relate with your feelings about how your sons were raised and your desire to break the pattern with your new baby (congratulations, by the way!). This is something I am working on as well, except my baby is 9 years old now! But anything I do now not only benefits him (and me), but also my older children, who are now 19 and 21. So it's never too late to break the pattern.
Keep coming back, get to some face to face meetings, read all the literature you can get your hands on - you're so worth it!
