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What the heck is it about weekends? I don't get it. My husband and I pass in the night all week long and when Thursday night comes Dr. Jekyll starts to appear. Our weekends and holidays SUCK. Like I have mentioned before, my husband's drinking is not active all the time, in fact, he has not gotten drunk while we were together in several years. He usually just has a beer or two. We could be doing great and Thursday will come and he does his best to sabotage. He started crap last night and I did very well. Then this evening Jekyll is in full force. It's like he wants us to be hating each other for the weekends. The only time we get to see each other. I really need to start planning my weekends without him. But then what's the point?
Whats the point ?? well if you dont want to stay in this marriage ( none) but if u do want to stay , the point would be for me to as u suggested plan your own weekend , lunch with a girlfried , shopping anything for you a spa day always worked for me .. We cannot change other people period .. Your wise to the sabatage thing now , don't play the game dont bite and escalate the argument , walk away and leave the decission to drink or not with him , instead of fighting and him turning it around to make it your fault he goes out alone . In this program I have learned I have choices , I can stay home play the sick games and be miserable or I can plan a weekend for myself and go out and enjoy .
I dont think he is sabotaging you, Its never about us with an A. I know it feels like that. He just wants to drink and he is. We have to always remember Step 1 and learn it well. Ingrain it in our brain. We admitted we are powerless over alcohol. We have to face the realities and accept what is going on in our lives. Living with a Dr. Jekyl is one of them. If an A continues to drink.
You though are the lucky one, you get to make sane sober choices for your life. I use to also dread the weekends. My xah would start an argument on a Friday nite, say he is going to the store and didnt return usually until Sun. nite, knowing he had to go to work the next day. It took me a few of those weekends to figure out I needed Al-anon and I needed to conquer myself and stop being so dependent on a person that just wanted to drink all the time.
Be the change that you want, stick with the tools of Al-anon, they are the professionals and this disease is not for amateurs . I hope you start to enjoy yourself you deserve it. I wish you strength, hope, courage and wisdom, Bettina
The dynamic is very simple. First understand that the A needs the enabler to get emotional and feed into the drama, bc they feed off of that. See if u get all involved in his lil fight - the disease wins - he can sit back and say in his own head - see shes the crazy one, she's all emotional -- this is what they use to justify drinking/drugging bc ur so nuts, its ur fault and they have to get away from you. This is why not engageing, not arguing and detaching wroks so very well - we dont get upset and we dont feed into the disease to make it easy for them. Belive me, they will come up with their own excuses and justifications and they will still blame shift -- bc that is how they have learned to not take responsibility for themselves and to stay stuck in the victimhood of the disease.
A's hate themseves and are fulll of guilt and fear. Many are bullies (my exAH was) and they have spent alifetime perfecting how to be Master Manipulators and actors, so they can feed their disease. So, if u love an A, they think 'Im so unlovable, how can they love me, there must be something -wrong with them. This justifies their cruelty to us.
Our problem is we self sacrifice, center our lives around theirs and we lose ourselves by fixating on the A and their "problem". If u confront an A about their problem, they will automatically be in an argument with you - and they wont hear or apply what ur saying bc they are deep in denial. So fighting about it never works, for them its just a fight with you and that will lead to emotionalism which will give them a justification to use.
Are u sensing the pattern?
Way to comabt the disease for you and him, is to -- shift your focus onto YOU and not him. This will help u get ur life back and you will stop feeding into his disease.
Over time, u will be ready to set some boundaries for YOU and then gain back some self respect and loving emotional detachment from his issues, moods, whims, feelings and attitudes. Think about what u need and want for YOUR life. It is fleeting and goes by faster all the time.
YOU can control you and change you and that is extremely empowering and liberating. Forgive YOU for bad choices or being human or wtvr u need to and get some liberation. Focus on YOU and love you like ur own first priority.
Know that whatver u put into you and program will pay back to you and its SO worht it! I totalyy agree with abbyal, make some plans, get out and have some fun ~ for YOU. Dont wait, sit and stare and wish that the A will change or do anything for that matter. Its all wasted energy. Enjoy yourself and honor the life you have. The A is going to do what theyre going to do and u cant change that.
-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 27th of March 2010 06:33:17 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My weekends used to suck because I relied on my exAH to have fun and be a "family". The kids and I waited and waited, and I got frustrated and angry and felt sorry for myself, while he just did what he wanted to do. When I did coerce him to be involved I was usually disappointed as he was grumpy, sick or tired. One of my biggest regrets from my marriage is that I let our "family fun" be so dependent on him. It didn't have to be that way.
I think this is a situation where the slogan, "Let it Begin with Me" can be pretty powerful. It's time for YOU!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Alcoholics come in many different shapes and sizes. What I have learned is that they drink both when they are happy and when there are stresses. The number one is thing is they keep on drinking no matter what.
I have had to be around alcoholics all my life, I still am to a certain extent. I am now far far more able to deal with the situations than I ever was before. I no longer feel defeated, over responsible or upset by their drinking.
Thanks everyone for your sound advice and support.
I am really proud of myself today. Started out the day with my husband's anger issues (he hasn't been drinking). I decided to change plans and not spend the day with him, but not be angry with him for it like I usually am. I think I really detached with love today. Here's what I did.
I started out with the usual tears and being upset with his verbal unkindness. Then I had something miraculous happen. I made the decision not to waste my time. One of my goals this weekend was to get my laundry caught up and another was to work with my horse (my horse is boarded 45 minutes away from where we live). I stayed focused on getting the laundry sorted and ready to go. Then I wrote my husband a letter and told him that I could not be treated this way and that I am asking him to help me in my healing and refrain from saying anything in the future no matter how ridiculous or stupid he thought I was. I made my self my regular breakfast smoothie, made him one too and taped the note to it. I left and made the decision not to expect anything from any of it, but I felt good about saying my piece. I have often gone out to see my horse during these times in the past, but I would have been waiting for him to be sorry or call me or worry or something the entire time. This was completely different. I did it for me. I made the decision to silence my phone and make my time with my horse MY time with my HORSE. Undivided attention for him. My horse was awesome. I had a great time and my mood lifted. I have never been able to relax with my horse before when I was having issues with my husband. And my horse always feels my tension no matter how calm I have tried to be before and he tends to act out. My husband had left me a "I am really going to work on it" message as always and I listened to it and though I know nothing has changed (as I have heard it MANY times before), I moved on with my day and did not say another word about it when we saw each other this evening. I brought him some dinner on my way back from the movies with my nephew. (I went and saw Hot Tub Time Machine and it was hilarious. If you grew up in the 80's you must see it and if you didn't it was hilarious anyhow cause my nephew is only 16 and he laughed the whole time too). So, today was a good day. Thank you everyone for the great support and advice.
Awesome! Now u know u can do it - put u first and block the other noise/stresses out. You can do it again and with practising it diligently - it will be the new way of your life. Way to empower yourself, keep it up!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
