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Hi I'm new here. And new to Al-Anon. Actually, I've never even been to a meeting. I am in a committed relationship with an alcoholic. When we met, he had completed a full year in-house recovery program. Last June he started drinking occasionally and now is full blown drunk most of the time. Before the relapse, I moved away from my family and friends to be with him in his town which is near his kids. I have been here almost a year and made no friends and pretty much feel swallowed up & emotionally beaten down by his drinking and attitude when he's drinking.
I have approached him about my attending Al-anon. He has vehemenently forbidden it. Just as he begs me to not go to a pastor or anyone else for help but to somehow trust him that this time he really is quitting...
Is it a bad idea to try to participate in Al-anon against his wishes? I need something other than phone calls to my mother where I'm just encouraged to leave him... Has anyone else been in this situation?
Hello and welcome , forbidden huh ?? well that would have made me get to a meeting even faster .. thats just me . You have to do what is best for you his fears * of u attending al anon are his problem and just another way to maintain control * Unless there is a problem of violence in your home I would attend the program you do it for you .. has nothing to do with him once u get there .. the only thing I know for sure is that until someone changes , nothing changes .. and of course he dosnt want u to t alk to the pastor and expects you to continue to keep the secret .. we are enablers we do for them what they should do for themselves , we lie for them , we make excuses for thier crappy behavior , we cover up thier mistakes , we pay thier bills we do it over and over again thinking this time it will be different , andit never is ,except it gets worse..If your really concerned attend our meetings here til u get the courage to go to a f2f meeting , we have meetings twice a day in our chat room 9am and pm eastern time .. hope to see u there .. Louise
Love always hopes. Wow, The whole scenario is so familiar, I have had friends who were married to A's that made them move away from their families and friends, only to be raging alcoholics trying to control their spouses. That didnt happen in my case, but my daughters husband is an addicted gambler and he tried to keep her away from me and her family right here .
I was married to the x ah for 26 years and as a couple we didnt have many friends, but I had my family and my friends always ever present in my life.
I cant tell you what to do, but you must seek help for yourself, the disease of alcohol is too overwhelming to handle on your own. I cant imagine anything worse then to be isolated and alone. Im so glad that you reached out to Al-anon.
Please keep coming back, but try if you are able, to go to a face to face Al-anon meeting. You must arm yourself with the tools of the program. Hope to hear from you again. Wishing you strength,courage and wisdom, Bettina
Welcome to MIP! Yes, someone has been where you have been. This is a cunning disease. Take care of you. Try a meeting for experience, strength and hope.'
Your LOg On name is beautiful and speaks volumes. I would just like to suggest that alcoholism is a disease which you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. Living with the disease causes the family to become very ill as well. We focus all energy on the alcoholic, isolate, make excuses, pretend and do not take care of ourselves.
In order for love and hope to last we need to "Love" ourselves again. That is what alanon is all about. I came here because Nothing I did worked I was given a set of tools and told to take care of me. Focus on myself, Attend meetings, Use alanon tools and have compassion and love for the alcoholic. Turn the alcoholic over to God and keep showing up for my life. It works.
Many alcoholics do not approve of family members attending meetings They believe (falsely) that we gather to talk about them.
We gather to gain insight , so we can learn to take care of us in a constructive manner.There is also a principle of annonymity at all meetings. Meaning we have first names only and what is said at a meeting, who you see at a meeting stays at a meeting.
Meetings are held here 2xs a day and many communities have face to face meetings during the day so you can go without your husband knowing.
Welcome. Boy is ur story similar. My exAH didnt want me to go to alanon bc he sd, "I dont want u to talk about me" - The depths of their denial and selfishness are huge!! I was hurting, I had to talk about how I felt - its not about him, alanon is about YOU. My exAH was a bully, a pill popping addict and he controlled my life until I quit allowing him to dictate to my life. If I did go to alanon when I was with him, who knows if we would still be together or not but as it was, I left my marriage. He constantly put me down, yelled at me - he was jealous of my realtionship with my mom (bc she could manipulate me better then him - in other words, I did what she wanted more often then him) but still he isolated me from my friends and soon none of them could bear to come over anymore bc he was awful, abusive and sick. After 4 yrs of marriage (I had been suicidal at all different points in my life) he began telling me how to kill myself! Ok, that was enough for me, when I left it was totally spontaneous and not the best or most intelligent way to get out. But I had to deal with the situation I was in and he never in a million years would have "allowed" me to take my belongings and walk away as a mature adult. He ended up keeping most of my stuff, to punish me. Well, it was just stuff even though it was hard. Worst part was the heirloom jewelry from mom, aunts and grandma and my baby pictures and baby 8MM movies that he kept. Just hateful.
But he didnt "get me" I got out with my life and that was all I cared about at that point. Lucky me. It took me a long time to get over the relationship but thank God I came back to alanon and got coping skills for life. Today life is so much better.
I have a bf that I live with and he supports my program (even though he doesnt really undersand it) and he has seen me struggle to focus on me, love me first as my own priority and detach from everyone else, which I have to practise daily (bc as a acoa/codependent, I attach to everyone and everything waaayyyy too much).
After having practised loving detachment for 2 whole years now, I can say it is much more like second nature now.
If u want to combat the disease and get healthy, first thing u do is work to focus on YOU and not him. Not his feelings, issues, attitudes, whims, hurtful words - but YOU and what do u want for your life? Think about your true needs versus the wants and fatasies.
When we are around active addiction, it begins to take over our lives and we focus on them and thier disease. That is our disease, focusing on them and losing ourselves. So to help him and you ~ focus on YOU.
Glad u found us, hope u keep coming back and giving alanon a try. It works when u work it and you are worth it!
Oh, I forgot to mention - we are only as sick as our secrets.
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 26th of March 2010 07:38:57 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Love I haven't read a more concise description of an alcoholic relationship than yours in a long time. It use to be called hostage taking when I first got to Al-Anon. So who gets to help you save your life? He's drinking. He is not able to make healthy decisions for you, certainly not himself. If you start relying on the fear of him and/or the future it will also feel next to impossible to make the change by going to where others know and can help with their wisdom and experiences. Al-Anon is where that is and you will not be the first spouse or friend of the alcoholic who has been told not to go. Alcoholics are soooo full of fear and one of those is that others will know even while they don't know that everyone already does know. Our program is anonymous. We rarely if ever bring up our alcoholic in the meeting because our focus is on our lives and our happiness whether the alcoholic drinks or not. So WELCOME!! There are over 6000 others who have come here like you and I have looking for support. YAY!!
By the way just a personal comment on a committed relationship with an alcoholic...actually if you try that like I did you end up almost committed to a treatment facility yourself while the alcoholic should be committed (maybe again) themselves for being addictedly committed to alcohol. It just didn't hook up right for me so I became committed to my own recovery as she stayed committed to her alcoholic drinking and we made the committment to each do what we thought best for ourselves. My commitment turned out great!! Welcome to MIP and the rooms of Al-Anon. Please keep coming back here. (((((hugs)))))
I'm glad you are here. I hope you find somethings here that bring a little peace of mind. I was either encouraged or discouraged from being involved with Alanon by my A at any given time. I finally figured out the cycle seemed to coincide with whether his drinking/using was a secret or if it was easier on him that I had ways of keeping myself sane. Strangely enough it never dawned on him that the program was for me not his needs There are amazing people and support here, I hope you continue to visit.
I certainly gave my life over to taking care of an alcoholic.
You are not alone. Certainly you do not have to tell him you have looked into al anon. I found mentioning any thing to do with sobriety brought on rage in the ex A.
I hope you choose to look into getting support for yourself. You do not have to have his permission to go to al anon.
I would just like to suggest that alcoholism is a disease which you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. Living with the disease causes the family to become very ill as well. We focus all energy on the alcoholic, isolate, make excuses, pretend and do not take care of ourselves. 
.