Hi Powerless,

Pia Melody says that you need to detach and in order to detach you have to set boundaries to protect yourself. I hear you when you say you want to let go of hate and feeling angry. I jump right in there with my husband. Oh, and of course he hates Dr. Phil. But these people have some wisdom and I think offer good advice. Dr. Phil would say, what is the payoff for you to keep doing it? For me and my angry towards my husband,  it might be that I would have to replace my old friend anger with something new. For me it ties in with my love addiction and being too focused on my husband.

Hope this helps a little.

In support,

Nancy

I found that as I learned more about the disease, it was a lot easier to cope with my A. I learned that he wasn't drinking to spite me, or hurt me, he was drinking because, at the time, he had no more control over the disease than I did. The more I learned, the more I understood, and the more my attitude changed. Once my attitude changed, lo and behold, so did his...yadda yadda yadda.

I guess it's been about 2 years since his last binge. I asked him if he had ever just had a beer after work to unwind, and not drink to get plastered? He thought for a minute,and said no. I told him I wouldn't mind that, and he started doing it. (I know, I know, but it worked for me!) Once in awhile, he has a few too many, or sneaks a sip from a hidden bottle of Vodka, but believe me, we've come a looong way from 3 1/2 gallon bottles of Vodka in a week!!! I have set boundaries, when he was sober,( no good to say a word when he's drunk.) I told him he was not to drink anywhere near me (after he was violent). So, he'd go to his cottage or somewhere else to drink. After awhile, he missed me, and decided he'd rather be with me than alone or with his drinking buddies. It took about a year. Last year was the first vacation we ever went on together. We had a wonderful time except for one slip. I was ready to hitch-hike home! We have a lot in common and enjoy doing things together. When he is sober, he is truly my soul-mate.

I'm rambling, anyway, this isn't to tell you to do what I did, just to share my experience. I know that no two people are alike, but this is what worked for me. Take what you want and leave the rest, Love TLC

PS sometimes the pain and resentment will still hit me, it's hard for us to forget all the nasty deeds and words, but now, I realize that he doesn't even know some of the things he said and did. During the last slip,he wasn't even mean or cruel, but I was just as mad as if he had been. He was truly sorry for whatever he thought he did, but he didn't have a clue what he was sorry for! I had a hard time to hold back a chuckle, how ironic, eh?