"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

xter · Senior Member

haaaate myself

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Nah... you're neither stupid or weak.... you are...... human.

Cut yourself some slack - you reached out in your time of need - it's not all bad - maybe you DID need that at the time.... The facts seem to indicate that the relationship isn't going anywhere now, so this is a good time to move on (emotionally).

Try not to beat yourself up too bad.... Remember that "self-reflection" is a good thing, whereas "self-mutilation" is not....

Take care
Tom

Kiki52 · Veteran Member

You're only human. Stuff happens. We aren't perfect.

Get back to your meetings. Start over and do 90 in 90. It will help you get back on track and keep you from sitting and dwelling on the past. You might even make some great new recovery friends and get so busy you won't have time to worry about him and his sickness.

One of the great things about recovery is that when you fall off the wagon, not matter to hard, you can crawl right back on and keep going with your recovery. Please do that.

-- Edited by Kiki52 on Thursday 25th of March 2010 12:50:39 PM

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((xter))) PLEASE stop beating yourself up! As Tom said, you're human. And humans aren't perfect, we all make mistakes. Maybe this was something you had to go through as a learning experience. I know it's awful and hard but sometimes that's how life lessons are. You are not stupid, weak, or dumb. It will take time but you CAN get through this and come out better on the other side. Take it one day at a time. Or one hour, or even one minute at a time if that's what it takes. Keep going to meetings and keep coming back here. And don't be too hard on yourself.

freeagain · Veteran Member

Sounds like you had a major alanon slip. Not the end of the world...certainly not fun. And now the grief begins along with the anger, justification, pain, manipulations, bargining....

Just the fact that you went right back to meetings is proof positive that you have awareness of the issue and you want help. Just like the A who has a slip can go right back to AA with an open and willing heart and find comfort, so can you in the rooms of alanon.

The only reason I am alive today is because I knew where to go when my life imploded. I found comfort, unconditional love and the space to explore the whys of me. I get to look at myself and take time to figure out why I do and say the things I do and say...what a miracle.

You are human, you are an alanon, and now you will begin to recover again. ((((((hugs))))))

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you just made a mistake. Mistakes happen. It's hard to think clearly in the middle of a breakup, and sometimes all of us do things we wish we hadn't. It's okay.

No need to stay in pain, though, when you know where the relief is. Go back to your meetings and work the steps! You can get out of the funk! Of course you deserve your sanity - go get it!

Glad you're back!

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome back to alanon, xter. I too did what u are now doing, obsessing about men and then screaming and abusing myself, calling me names in my head, loathing myself.

It is HARD but it can be done, u absolutely can get YOU into focus and off of others. When u see ur mind going onto someone else, re-direct ur mind back onto you. Work ur program, deal with unresolved feelings/issues and mind ur own business.

Obsessing on others doesnt help them and it doesnt help you, its a total waste of time. Dont kick yourself, try gentle and positive self talk. Look, I felt ridiculous at first bc I didnt love me, I had never tried b4. Give yourself a percent of the love ur giving to someone else. Pretend ur a new person/friend that u really want to get to know. That is how I did it, I pretended I was a new friend and tried to be objective and logical about how I treated myself.

You deserve your own good love. Love you first and then u wont be looking outside of you for love, recognition or validation. Forgive YOU for being human. We want to belive what people tell us, being a lil naieve is far better than being bitter (imho)

Set boundaries and begin to honor yourself by following them through. You will feel better from the inside out and u will get some self respect back. Take it odaat and each day ask yourself, what can I do to allow me to feel better?

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

You know the one great thing about this life, is that we get to start again from any given moment.

We dont have to wait til the next day or the next month, we can start from now.
Chalk it off as another lesson and more experience and one we dont want to repeat. No matter what happens , dont make judgements about yourself. You are great just as you are.

What we do have to learn is to appreciate our own lives first and appreciate when you fail. Appreciate when you try and try again and still fail. Most importantly appreciate who you are. You are the best thing that ever appeared on this planet.

Remember our life has unbelievable power and wisdom, just trust yourself and let it come forth. My best , Bettina

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Xter...as Free Again suggested a relapse!! Ugggh By the way your post
sounded very much in thoughts and feelings as the alcoholic and addict feel after
their relapses. "I wanted to feel good again and picked up where I left off with my
using that which could eventually kill me."

Been there and done that more than once. Your shoes fit comfortably. I tried to
find my HP in relationships and I've never met another woman that could fill that
role. Only my HP can. My HP got a bit concerned once and asked me "What are
you doing?" When I immediately inventoried the situation I was in, the only thing
I could respond with was "the wrong thing", So I stopped right away.

Now is the time to practice forgiveness along with amends (which is getting back into
the program) and giving your self mercy and grace.   HP is HP and no one else can
match up. HP doesn't do the physical stuff for or with me and the nerve ending
good feeling verifications are not from the inner where they are supposed to come
from for me but from the outer dependent stuff.

You get an opportunity to make an amends with yourself. Who better to tell you
"I'm sorry. I will start making the change" that the person who should love you
best...you.

How courageous for you to bring your relapse honestly to the family who loves you
unconditionally. I can only speak for myself however after reading all the responses
I can see that it is "we" (rather than me only) who are in support of your recovery.

Go throw a trantrum, kick some cans, do some screaming and hopping and then
quietly go to a meeting.    (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 25th of March 2010 02:55:38 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's that off-and-on quality that really gets to me -- it makes me crazy. It makes me crazy to want to undo it and make it "on." But of course the kinds of people that play these games aren't healthy enough to be always steady and "on." So we can play games with them forever. It really satisfies that "need" for turmoil, doesn't it? I never used to realize that there could be a relationship without turmoil. It felt so familiar that I thought that's how it had to be.

You deserve so much more. You can have so much more. The only way out is through -- and more meetings, more steps, more work with a sponsor, more taking wonderful care of yourself.

xter · Senior Member

thank you all for your ESH! i was choked up a little reading all of this. thank you for all the love.

((all of you))

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

You take care and don't me so hard on yourself, we're all human and with your meetings and awareness you'll be fine, chalk it up and give it over to your hp.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey!
I go through the hate myself stages as well. Maybe I am not going through what you are but I can relate! One A after another in my past. In the program of AA or not--almost all were As.

I know I am not stupid & neither are you. We just get caught up in the lies that tell us we are. I for one feel stupid almost daily. I even call others stupid as well as situations I am in as well as other's situations. I love to beat myself up sometimes. Don't fall into the trap that I get into sometimes. Give yourself a break!

I hope this helps.
Kathleen

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey it took me a year or more to stop that worthless negative talk in my pretty head.

Talk about mistakes. Gads. If you only knew...I was in love with two men with a child from both....I hated me, was so disgusted.

I learned to say stop in my head and change the negative talk to "I am ok just how I am."

There is NO reason to say icky things to yourself! What good does it do?

Hey I can imagine after living with A you may have been in a starvation mode for affection, attention, companianship....

Like putting food in front of a starving person! A or not to me does not matter. He would have ended up a jerk non A!

So ya learned, good for you. So now think about what you want possibly. What makes you happy? Goals? gardening? painting? get your hair done, get a manicure pedicure. Allow someone to pamper you.

I stupidly went and cut some of my own hair.....oops. Went out and got it finished. omg. There went my long hair again.

So now bought an extension again and getting ready to have it put in and have style made. It feels good to do for me.

So pamper you, love you. Life is so precious, you are too.

I believe we must feed our spirit too, our hearts. Love and faith are everything to me.

Anyhoo stop it! (o: I like ya so you must not be that bad! hugs,debilyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I was with the now ex A for 7 years. I did not know how to read the signs when they were in front of me. Don't beat yourself up.

I could not get away from him for years and years. When I did get away I immediately hooked in again in taking care of him. I really had to stay close to this board in order to manage my life.

I'm so glad you are here.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"