The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That's growth Bettina...and it is what I learned how to do also. My ex-alcoholic wife and partners had as much right to be where they were as I. If it still bothered me I had work to do. ((((hugs))))
I hope John doesn't mind, but I swiped this from an earlier post of his. It really was a lesson for me. It doesn't always apply, but when it is time to move forward - well his words just stuck with me and showed love and compassion.
I can only speak from my own experience, and touch a bit on what I have seen others experience in similar situations. No suggestions or advise included.
I paid dearly for my seat in the rooms of recovery, the relational, financial, emotional, mental price it took for me to get here is beyond calculation. Since it was my past that brought me here, I cannot afford to let it be what sends or keeps me away from here. My seat isn't up for negotiation.
I once had a very broken heart and I avoided all the meetings this wonderful woman went to, which in fact limited the number and type of meetings I could attend. The pain inside me was tolerable as long as I didn't think about, feel about, or see any sign of her. All of which I did, often without any fore warning. A song on the radio, OUCH.. turn the channel fast! A restaurant we ate together at... OUCH don't go there! A show on TV we use to watch together.. OUCH, hurry, turn it to the weather channel! (as though I really was excited to see the temperature)... One beautiful evening, I was downtown, its a great place to hang out with others in recovery here in Wilmington. Gorgeous woman all over the place, music coming out of every door along the streets, laughter, couples kissing, holding hands, young folks acting goofy, ... life was great. Suddenly there she was... only a few doors away from me on the sidewalk, not alone, but with friends, and even another man in the mix... holding her hand. Before she noticed me, I did what I had always done.... I went the other way... down an ally, deserting my group of friends, including my sponsor in the process. I avoided her, but I didn't avoid ME. My night was ruined, my heart was hurt, my head was angry, my stomach in knots.
The next day my sponsor and I talked about what had happened. He made the stupidest, most ridiculous suggestion in the world, so outrageous I was about to fire him and get someone else. "Next time you see her, go up to her, say "hello, ask if it is okay to give her a hug, (do if she indicates it is, don't if she doesn't), and tell her YOU ARE GLAD TO SEE HER"... smile, be very friendly, and stay away from anything serious,... if she introduces you to someone she is with, shake their hand and say, "Glad to meet YOU". Then excuse yourself to continue YOUR journey.
I reluctantly followed this suggestion about a month later when the opportunity presented itself one day. It was a 2 minute experience. It was a beautiful day, people doing whatever it is they do, and me wanting to run around the corner as fast as I could. But I didn't.
As soon as I stopped avoiding, running, hiding out, ect... the healing was allowed to come full circle, and my life activities stopped being controlled by the boogy man of the past.
Today we are dear, dear friends, attend a lot of the same meetings, always greet each other with open arms, exchanging true smiles of acceptance, and even joke with others about the insanity of our history. During a meeting she was the speaker at, she said to the group..."if you ladies don't want to have to really work this program, stay away from John... because I guarantee he has a way of bringing all your character defeats to the surface!" Everyone, including me laughed. My turn... I'm speaking a few months later... "I am blessed to have a sponsee that I truly love and enjoy working with, we have a lot in common. He and I are attracted to the same sick women in the rooms, I nod towards him, (her boyfriend) and wink at her. Everyone, including both of them laugh.
Today is a beautiful day, people are doing whatever it is they do, I'm doing whatever it is I do, ... smiles are abundant, laughter is real, acceptance is love, and I'm no longer running down allies, or turning corners trying to get away from ME.
John
PS. Her and my sponsee were at mine and Rose's wedding in 2007... guess who caught the bouquet of flowers that Rose tossed? I can only hope they are as happy together as we are. They both deserve it.
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
NMW, I think it depends on you and where YOU are it in your recovery.
For me right now today I wouldn't go becuase I wouldn't feel comfortable to be myself. My ex is very angry and hurt. To be quite honest with him moving 90 minutes away from me I haven't had to worry about this much. Also he and I don't run in the same circles so I wouldn't feel like I was missing out if I didn't go.
I had to drop my kids off with him last weekend for the first time since the split. It was hard and a new it was going to be emotional. I walked into the situation prepared to work my program, but not projecting how it was going to be.
After I left I was hurting so I called my mom. She is my biggest cheerleader right now and she was awake when I wasn't sure my sponsor would be.
Take care of you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I say, work throough ur unresolved feelings and issues regarding ur ex. Forgive YOU and him to the best of your ability and then surrender ur ex to HP with love. If u do all of that, he wont bother you anymore.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
