The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For you old timers out there....who have since split with their A....can you tell me your story about life after the A....did they change, did they get better...worse...how was your relationship etc.... I just want to hear other stories.... Thanks
oh gosh, I guess I cant really answer that bc after I left and all that he did to me and he threatened to kill me if he ever saw me, so I never spoke to him again. That was 10 yrs ago now. About 4 yrs ago however, detectives called me and talked to me for like 6 hours over a few phone calls about him and the doctor we used to see, guess they both got in trouble, idk never followed up on it.
Since then - 5 yrs ago, I came running and screaming back to program and this time, was ready to surrender what I was doing and what I thought and my ego and have worked it like my life depended on it and I got the miracle! Peace and serentiy are priceless. I love myself now and no one can ever take that from me. So would I change anything ~ heck no! Im ever so grateful for all the insanity & how I grew up bc it brought me to where I am now. Open to the possibilites HP has to offer and growing spiritually daily, love and peace abound.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
sdisne! I am a Tweenie, an inbetweenie, I lived with active alcholism for 27 years and for the last almost four years I haven't for the first time in my life, It got very bad during the active years and I was deflated on my knees, and just when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I said enough now I have to leave and let you get on with it, I had nothing left to give, and he stopped, we had an honey moon period for a short time, and then it got really bad, it got worse before I could see and feel it getting better, the thing was, his drug was the drink and he was mine, he stopped his drug of choice, and I was left in limbo, he withdrew his drug from me, himself, now I had to take a good long hard look at my part in it, and I didn't really like who I had become, I think initially our relationship was built on illusion and fantasy, it was doomed to fail, we were both disfunctional to start with, but I was the one who always took to pointing the finger, I had a short sharp shock when he stopped drinking my finger was left pointing at me, at this moment we are getting to know one another properly, life is a lot calmer, we have a lot to redress, I don't know what the future holds, all I know is we are both better people with all thats happened in the past, I have learnt though that happiness comes from within, if you have that your a winner!
When I divorced the x , 26 years later, It wasnt because I thought it would make him better or worse. I did it for me. There is nothing that will make the A stop drinking unless he is ready. We separated many times before and he continued to drink. This time when I filed for divorce, he has his own apartment and he continued to drink for a year, almost to the point of death. We live in a celebrity town in L.a. and he had some high profile sponsors that were in AA and they would come to his home quite frequently. He started going to AA and has been sober for 6 months. It doesnt happen overnite. He has residuals from all the drinking, short term memory, liver issues, but at least he is sober.
I think he finally hit another bottom when he was by himself, he had done everything to destroy his life , I dont think there was anything left except to die. I guess he wanted to live. He had already had the heart attack 5 years ago and continued to drink. I had a minor stroke from all the stress, I chose to live and that meant being apart.
The minute the A was out of my environment everything felt better and I knew it was something I had to do. I have been in Al-anon since the early 90's. and also a practicing Buddhist for 25 years. The A and I lived like roomates for many years, I had established a separate life, but he was crossing over boundaries that I wouldnt allow even a roomate to do. It was time. It took some time to adjust to living alone, but life is better and lighter and cleaner. I have no resentment or regrets. I have to leave my home soon that I have had for 13 years, cant afford it, they raised the HOA and I dont have another income as I lost my part time job. I am on Social security but needed the part time job to supplement the income. Its been difficult here in Calif., I will probably move to an apartment. One thing we can always be sure of in this life, is change, nothing stays the same and it shouldnt. Life is not what happens, but how we react to it. We need to have victories, not just survive. Bettina
I divorced my ex-AW about six years ago, just after she finally found sobriety.... I guess we gave it about a year (after she got sober), but there was just too much 'water under the bridge', and the marriage didn't survive ...
Fast forward to today.... I guess it's somewhat of a mixed bag.... I've dated a fair amount - struggled with letting people get really close at times, etc., but generally happier than when I was married....
She has not dated at all, is still sober, and very much committed to her recovery.... She still has a strong dislike for me, so we are (at best) amicable for the sake of her kids.... She seems to be doing well with friends, etc., so I sometimes joke to myself that she is "recovered with everyone but me", lol.... To her credit, she's a good Mom again, and has earned back the relationship with both of our great kids...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I don't know how much of an old-timer I am, but here goes... I was with my AH for nine years. He went through rehab, etc. etc. etc., but never stayed sober. I asked him to leave when I realized (after years of denial on both our parts) that he didn't have any great desire to get sober, that he was probably not going to get sober, and that if he did, it was not going to be on my time-scale and not soon enough to save our relationship.
Since he's a binge drinker, he has long periods where he seems sober -- until suddenly he isn't. We have a fairly friendly relationship, and have even gone on a vacation together with our son (though he stayed at a separate place). He lives a block away. But I still see signs when he has his binges. Al-Anon helps me take care of myself and not put too much of my focus on him and whether's he binging or sober or whatever he's doing. I just try to stay alert so I don't let our son get into a dangerous situation (for instance, I try to keep him out of cars with my ex -- easier because he lives so close).
So it has been low-key, and part of that is to my ex's credit -- he has a history of remaining friends with his exes and not holding grudges. Whereas I typically hold grudges till the end of time. But in this case that would make things worse. I just need to be detached, not hateful.
My problem has not been him (apart from the times I fail in my detachment and start to feel emotional and resentful). My problem is that I didn't do enough work on myself before I got into the next relationship. I made sure he wasn't an alcoholic, but he had a host of other compulsions and addictions (out-of-control spending, an alcoholic son, etc.). I got right back into my old patterns. One of the problems of being involved with an alcoholic is that it's so easy to see his insanity that your own insanity is disguised. I hope I'm learning to take better care of myself, at last.
I guess my story is a little different than some.....after 18 yrs of marriage I finally got to the point....he left....life was tough...I was a stay at home mom for many years and he provided the income.
He finally checked into rehab again and was gone for a long period of time....he went to a recovery house.....finally I wanted to give it one more shot....you see....still I love my husband...it was honestly never about the love but all about the addiction.
The unfortunate end to my story is it was too late for him.....his body had taken all it could from the abuse of alcohol...so one day before my husband would have been 50 he passed away...
I struggled for two yrs......it has almost been three yrs now and I am just now coming back into the light...Living in addiction hurts us so very much and makes us live on edge all of the time...if you just let go you will see how relaxed your life can be...there was much dysfunction in our family....but we do love each other and me and my kids have found a way to live as a family again.
I wish you the best...take it slow and easy on you and find happiness again it took me a very long time to realize this...I hope my story helped you.
Peace, Andrea
-- Edited by Andrea12 on Wednesday 24th of March 2010 06:31:16 PM
I don't know if I'm an old timer, but I divorced my first AH after 8 years. I did not leave and file for divorce in an attempt to make him get sober - not sure if that's what this question is really asking. It took me a really long time to decide to get divorced. I kept going back and forth about whether to leave for good or not, and I struggled really hard between what I felt like I really wanted (not being with him) and how much I thought he would be damaged if I left him ... I wondered who would pay the bills, who would do the laundry, etc. WOW I needed the program!!
I didn't have the program yet at the point I got divorced, I just knew I couldn't take it anymore. He had gotten us into such big financial and legal trouble, and he was so scary and threatening. His drinking had escalated to a point that he was scary and threatened to kill me. I got the program after I got divorced. My ex AH still doesn't have the program. We've been divorced now for over 3 years. He went to some court ordered AA after he got a second DUI, but I don't think he's going anymore. I don't know that for sure, I don't ask. I am a lot happier letting him live however he wants and living how I want. My ex and I attempt to keep things friendly because we have a son, but we're not friends.
My AHsober left our marriage after 30 years. He hasn't drank in over 20 years. At one time he worked the program but he just thinks everything is too much trouble. He said he wanted a divorce but he has never filed. At first we had a back and forth relationship. He threatens divorce, says he never loved me, I can do what I want, screaming at each other. Then we would reconcile for our children. Our oldest went into combat overseas three times. Our second went to college. Then the third went to college. We would get together for holidays. He has called all the shots - no sex, limited affection, no calls, and then out of the blue he pops in. He still doesn't drink (cheats with non-alcoholic beer which has alcohol). He hangs out with A's. He is obsessed with golf. I have included him in activities with the kids but he never reciprocates. He doesn't eat well, doesn't exercise, he has crashed on a motorcycle, bicycle and seems to have no sense. His procrastination seems to get worse. He has played computer games into the night and has done nerve damage to his hand.
For me, I have been devastated. I don't cry as much but it stills hurts a great deal. From the get go, I have tried to be self sufficient, learn new skills, find help in unexpected places. I go to meetings and work my program. I stick to my fitness program, stay busy. It still creeps in and I just make do. I love my AHSober and he doesn't/can't love me. The disease take another one and ends a family.
I am looking for another job. I want to leave and have no contact with my AHsober. This is no fun, no way to live a life. I am past middle age. As long as I have some support with family and friends and can spend time with my sons and their families I will be happy.
Strangely enough I feel honored to possibly be even close to being an old timer LOL
I was married to my xah for about 15 years including the two years it took to finalize the divorce. I filed for divorce knowing I had to follow thru for my own health but harbored the hope it would be his bottom. It was not. I spent another grueling year in the same home while it was foreclosed on until all the details could be worked out, and by the end of that year I wanted no part of living with a 24/7 active drinker. For a time I still saw him, tried to have dinner, watch a movie. I did ok at this, being detahced. Problem with trying to be a friend was he still stole things from my new home, and lied constantly to me. I was saved from having to make a stand by his dui and accident which not only landed him in the hospital but also in prison. Now I am doing very well, my health has improved, I am in school, I love coming home at night. I recieve letters from him from prison ... while packing my belongings to move out of the house, I gave him back letters he had written me from county jail when we first lived together (I thought it would be the last time, it was for a long time), anyway these letters now say almost word for word the exact things those other ones from 1995 did. I have now asked for no contact with him, I don't see any signs of recovery or even wish for it and i really do want my life to be different The moment I truly found the strength and love for not only him but myself and was able to completely let go was what I am sure will prove to be the most or at least one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I trusted no one at that time, but somehow this little spark of trust that my HP would take care of me and him was there and is getting stronger all the time. I posted tonight about being lonely, now that i think of it, even at my most vulnerable times now I feel less lonely now than I did while an unavailable person was seated next to me.
