no money - no way out - Al-Anon Family Group

saltire · Member

no money - no way out

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Saltire))))

I hear you / Money problems and alcoholism seem to go hand in hand.

I have been at the end of my rope and could see no way out but my sponser suggested-Double up on my meetings. Make a Gratitude list, Live ODAT, Rework the Steps and then see what direction I needed to go in.

It is amazing a whole new choice opened up to me and the road forward truly enriched my entire life.

Please keep taking care of you and work the program

You are worth it

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Saltire...if you're not already attending open meetings of the Al-Anon Family
Groups I will highly suggest that you do and maybe try what I tried...as many
meetings as I could get to over a 90 day period of time. One of many things I
learned is, "there is no rational reason to keep myself in an unsafe situation."
I was told that the only one that could save my ass was myself and they were so
right and threw in much needed lessons regarding the "courage to change the
things I could." You can get some feedback and ESH here at MIP but the quality
and quantity of recovery for me comes from inside the rooms. That's my
suggestion. If you're really tired of it all go learn how to change it. Any rationalization
not to will cause the situation to get worse for you even if you think it cannot.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

essgee1952 · Veteran Member

I hear your frustration and know so well the feeling of being trapped because of money. I have learned to open myself up more to others, which has led to some potential avenues for "escape." Don't know if I'll take them, but it sure does make my road a little easier, thinking that I DO have options.

In fact, I believe there is always a way out...it's just a question of what we're willing to give up to take it.

Bella333 · Veteran Member

I relate a lot to your share. I feel very overwhelmed by the financial fallout from focusing on the A and not on my own money matters. Eek. Any additional advice much appreciated.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Saltire, hello there.

While going to f2f meetings will relieve you of feeling like you are caged with no other options. You dont have to leave for now to gain freedom.

You can create a life for yourself within the confines of your home, just for now until your able to see clearer about what to do. Really working and undestanding the first step, "That we are powerless over alcohol" and learning to detach. Thats how I was able to live with my Ah for so many years. I felt I had invested so many years and I always had the hope that he would stop the drinking. He did stop , but on his time table after we were divorced.

It really would be helpful if you really worked the program, it really will set you free. Is it better sitting in the house with the A, or sitting at an Al-anon meeting with your peers obtaining tools and wisdom on how to live your life creatively for yourself. Please keep coming back so we can help in anyway. We have all been there, we are kindred spirits. Bettina

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Recently returned from the Tuesday Night AFG meeting and revisited this post to
read and to think/meditate. I realize that often times I have made the need for
or just money my Higher Power. If I got it then there was no longer any need
for the journey, lesson and wisdom. Money would create the solution and I would
be free. I have made money my Higher Power often in the past and then when
it was gone I would re-enter the rooms of dread and want again. But I have a
power greater than myself that's greater than money that never diminishes and
never leaves and that one is the God of my understanding which I met and got
to know intimately from inside the spiritual 12 step program of Al-Anon. "If I
only had enough money" is not a priority today as I can find inner freedom as
some of the other members have suggested here. Honestly often when the
money arrived it was squandered on want and not need and back to first base
I was. My spouse has a problem which the solution she feels is having enough
money. She is existing in Hawaii 2500 miles from her family in the mainland
and is feeling no joy, mostly sadness. It was her decision to come here and it
will be her decision on how she corrects it. She has done the "if onlys" and money
is on the top step. An other "if only" is my return to the mainland which was never
an option once I got back home. However it is soooo easy to imagine that money
will solve everything and HP doesn't have to come into a solution which therefore
we miss another miracle. The dependant in me wants to create the miracle, her
solution which is the reason I've been a member of the Family Groups since '79.
If HP doesn't show up fast enough I'm gonna do it. But do what? I've never
known. I never knew how to get the addict and alcoholic clean and sober and
learned I've alway needed the dependence myself on a Higher Power greater
than my denial and best intentions. I'm turning this over again and doing
what I need to do for me and my responsibilities. I didn't cause it, cannot
control it and cannot cure it. I just got a phone call from a sponsee who received
an totally unexpected monetary payment from an unexpected source, the IRS, and
he owes the IRS!! That is what a miracle is and all he did while it was happening
was being honest, taking care of business, focusing on his better growth and
recovery and minding is own business. His relationship with his HP is secure...and...
he gets some money which by the way he is using to make some debts right and
helping family and needy people. Good program; lots of people get to feel
grateful that he got blessed. This time he becomes the sponsor. It works when
you work it. There is a solution for my spouse and I. We just don't know what
it is at the moment. We need to stay responsible for that which is our business
and turn the rest over.

I'm feeling grateful. Mahalo to you all. (((((hugs))))) smile

wifeofalcoholic · Senior Member

I was at the end of my rope just 2 1/2 weeks ago. I posted on this site; I received lots of support. I read all I could on detachment, I've prayed earnestly for God to lead ME in the right direction (we are only responsible for ourselves). I read that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. I had a counseling session with our Pastor. I'm reading One Day at a Time, The Courage to Change and planning on starting up with meetings again. I'm taking care of me. Take care of yourself, go to meetings, take walks, be with supportive friends, read all you can. discover what makes YOU happy. It's a formula for success!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I was definitely there. I found resources and made a plan be that helped me tremendously. Just making a plan be opened up resources for me.

I can't say my life is hunky dory without the ex A. The consequences are immense. I can say I don't regret leaving for one second.

Maresie.

saltire · Member

Thank you all for your gracious replies.
Some very interesting things I've read here and feel things have turned around for the better since I originally posted this.
I was given good fortune by my parents to help see me through the trough and am now better employed earning more.

The other part; of the intimacy, can wait as I'm not ready to even get close to even hug yet.
I am too scared to leave yet till I find the courage to change,
thanks again for your support friends.
Saltire.

CJ recovery · Veteran Member

Boundaries.

Financial boundaries are some of the easiest to set. Cancel joint credit cards.   Move direct deposit into an account with only your name; do the same with cash in a joint account.   Cancel accounts.    Take over paying bills.   Cancel ATM cards on accounts.   Cut up credit cards, and call the cc company no new CC without your signature.   Get a TRW report to see what is outstanding in your name, and chase it down.    If money disappears during "shopping trips" then you do the shopping.

The sooner financial boundaries are set, the sooner you can start to heal financially.   The longer you enable, the worse it will get.

Repercussions? Of course! Nobody likes boundaries, least of all alcoholics!   The anger may grow, the distance may grow, you may be abused.   As I found, boundaries are met with great anger and resentment.   HER anger and resentment.

All of this can be done to stop the enabling and done with love. It is done to protect yourself and your wife. There is only good in that! Don't do it with resentment, anger, or vengence. Do it because you love the both of you.

You may have to remind yourself "I did NOTHING wrong. In fact I did what is right." Tell yourself a million times if you have to. In setting boundaries, you ultimately help everyone. The easy road is often not the right road. Neither road do you want to be on; but you are on a road none-the-less, so pick the one that goes uphill, and then down to the end, not the one the looks nice and flat and meanders through the poison ivy and briar patches.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.