Emotional Unavailability in A's - Al-Anon Family Group

ythannah · Senior Member

Emotional Unavailability in A's

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Being over 50... I learned a long time ago, that some people know how they should be, put on a show. We believe it to be really them, but after awhile find it is not.

For me I kept aware for a long time before I got emotionally invested with anyone.I would not even kiss them for a long time.

I find it so weird that some will jump in bed with someone or just kiss them the first or third date. But when we meet someone once who would be a friend only, we know it takes time to have a relationship!

Not getting physical can make a HUGE difference. Then we are not confused by our hormones.

This goes for A's or anyone else.

A's tend to be very insecure, though they show this false sureness. They come off so charming and attentive. The disease knows how to suck people in then suck the life out of them.

This is my experience. I know the world seems to have made sex ok before marriage. However if we took the time to just know someone and not go beyond kissing before marriage, I betcha things would be a lot different.To me sharing that personal connection is very precious.

People who are real and are emotionally available, will continue to be over time and also you will see it through the situations you guys get into.

They can only pretend for so long.

Great subject! love,debilyn

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience with emotional unavailability that I see in my son and his relationships is that it is always about him. No matter what you are talking about the conversation gets turned around to him. He wants everyone to be there and do things for him when he is sick. He cannot do the same for anyone else. His problems are always worse than yours. There is no way I could be married to someone like my son. I mean he is funny and charming and everyone loves him but when it comes down to him meeting your needs....forget it. He doesn't know how to comfort others in their time of need. God forbid you start to cry when you are talking to him about things that are going on in your life. He has to leave....just cannot deal with it. If he is crying and upset you are to stay there and comfort him.

OMG!!!! Don't get me started on this subject. It is definately common for alkies to be like this. My dad was the same way...couldn't deal with anything. My mom had to deal with it all. Now, as my mom is much older and lives with my brother she cannot do anything for herself. It drives me up a wall. I try to just detach from that situation too. If my brother doesn't want to do everything for her then it is up to him to change it. I guess, in a way, he has enabled her over the years.

Sorry I got off subject a little but I guess I needed to vent.

Gail

ythannah · Senior Member

Thanks for the replies!

I've had to face up to the realization that I've often taken on the martyr role in my past relationships, after recognizing myself in a number of Al-Anon readings on the subject.

So it's sometimes difficult to know if I was getting walked over because I never spoke up for my own needs, or whether my exes weren't able/willing to meet those needs anyway. Because the relationships sure went downhill fast when I started setting boundaries.

I can definitely see that "me-me-me" self-centeredness that you describe in two of my exes, Gailey. Their needs always outweighed everyone else's.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Emotionally unavailable?? How about most A's are missing in action.

When the Ah and I were first married, he was in sync with and sensitive to all my emotional needs, I was too needy. Thru the years that changed. The progression of the disease caused many issues. I wished he was even around to be emotionally unavailable.

This program and meditation have built such strength in me, I dont need anyone to be emotionally available for me. I thank the A everyday for expanding my life. All I need is my HP and my belief in myself.

People may dissapoint us and not be there for us when we need them. We have to develop a strong identity, not that I mean to withdraw from people who can help us or other al-anon members, but we still need to do it for us, this is our life and we are responsible to gain strength, courage and wisdom and responsible for our happiness. No other person can give us that. Bettina

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((ythannah))))))

Put the love of YOU first and take care of your needs on the inside, then u wont be desperately trying to get anything from others. Boundaires are what protects you from A's, implement them and follow through and u will begin to see an A faster and more clearly from the out set.

For me, I just didnt want another A in my private life, recovery or not. So if u walked, talked like an A, I wasnt interested. I didnt care if I was alone forever! Turns out I met a wonderful man and we are happily living together. Its my first healthy relationship and going strong.

rachweb · Member

There's a book out there called Emotional Vampires. It has some good insite on this topic. Also a book called the Emotionally Unavailable Man. I have read several books on Passive Aggression and they all touch on it as well.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

cool rachweb, that is funny I always call A's energetic and emotional vampires, they will suck up anything u give them, ur money, ur soul, its all fair game to them.

AGO · Veteran Member

After a trip through the steps where I listed out my relationships I looked and it turned out I kept picking emotionally unavailable partners for a few reasons

1. I was the one that was emotionally unavailable, even though I thought I wasn't, so by picking emotionally unavailable partners I never had to be accountable and be emotionally available myself.

2. By picking emotionally unavailable partners I got to re-enforce my "world view" and point at them and say "look, see it's them" when in fact it was me all along

3. it was "comfortable", although painful, I am of the school that the relationships we pick are there to help us heal and grow, and we get the same relationship over and over until we evolve to the next level.

Also by picking unhealthy and emotionally unavailable partners I never had to look at myself, they would keep me so busy I never had time to really sit still and be with myself, because I spent all my time focused on them. By becoming the "rescuer --> accuser --> victim I never had to be accountable for my own actions because I would pick people that were such "big targets" and needed so much help I didn't HAVE to look at myself did I? I mean look how messed up THEY are!!! It MUST be them right???

writing out my relationship history in a column format made me see what my patterns were, and the first thing that became apparent is I was the common denominator in all of them. When I looked at each relationship by itself, I always had a "story" of why it turned out the way it did, and had an open and shut case about how it was "their" fault I could prove in any court of law easily, but when I did it in column format in step 4 it was hard to argue with 10 relationships in a row that all looked exactly the same, they all had the same thing(s) in common.

Me

Of course if anyone had told me any of these things 15 years ago I would have laughed in their face, and not believed them, this is all hindsight, therapy, some good partners, some bad ones, working the steps, and a great deal of needless suffering for all concerned that gave me these insights, until I worked the steps I was always sure it was someone else's fault.

What I actually learned in Alanon from an alanon friend was my problem might have your name on it but my solution has my name on itso I could analyze my girlfriends until the cows came home, but it didn't help me recover in the slightest. I needed to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror to actually make changes in my own life.

Of course being a man AND an alcoholic I would like to add I only "sucked the life" out of people who stuck their necks out and actively volunteered for it. Us emotional vampires only work on volunteers.

-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 24th of March 2010 02:15:47 PM

ythannah · Senior Member

AGO wrote:

Of course being a man AND an alcoholic I would like to add I only "sucked the life" out of people who stuck their necks out and actively volunteered for it. Us emotional vampires only work on volunteers.

Lol! biggrin I sure stuck my neck out and volunteered!

To give an example, I spent a number of years in a relationship with a non-a who never once said the words "I love you", although I certainly said them to him. Words spoken without any need or expectation of hearing them in return, because those were my honest feelings. But -- not a healthy relationship. However, I didn't figure that out until he "punished" me (for setting a boundary regarding guns in the house) by withdrawing physical affection.

I will definitely check out those books you mentioned, rachweb.

Boundaires are what protects you from A's, implement them and follow through and u will begin to see an A faster and more clearly from the out set.

That's an area I really need to explore, because I have solid, well-defined boundaries in some areas (eg. financial) and not in others (emotional is the main one).

tlcate · Senior Member

Here is a book I enjoyed:

Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap

I have found that we all have a touch of this in different forms. I tend to be more unavailable to those who are very emotional and more emotionally aggressive for those who are less available. Push/pull. It is tough to find a balance between being emotionally available, establishing boundaries, and self care.

Practice practice practice!

tlc

ythannah · Senior Member

tlcate wrote:

It is tough to find a balance between being emotionally available, establishing boundaries, and self care.

Ohhh, ain't that the truth!

Thanks to everyone for helping me try and puzzle this out in my own mind!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.