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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Do I create a crisis when I'm in a crisis?
Post Info TOPIC: Do I create a crisis when I'm in a crisis?
Destynee


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Do I create a crisis when I'm in a crisis?
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AH has moved out, happy he was to do it.  He's seeing someone.  And he lies constantly.  Said he moved into a sober house but he didn't. Got an apartment for 485.00 a month with all utilities paid and took the vehicle that's paid off.  I'm having such a problem not responding to his lies.

Anyway, turns out he wasn't paying child support for his first child for a few years.  I didn't know, I thought it was coming straight from his check.

My unemployment stopped and I won't be getting anymore unless they authorize another extension. I've been unemployed 2 years now.  I have 2 kids, 3 and 1.  I've been looking and looking for work.

I was going to file for child support, but now I feel badly that I'm giving him another reason to use.  Yet his last pay, he gave me 200.00.  We are behind in rent almost 3 months and all our bills from him using his whole paycheck for drugs.

I'm so lost, I'm trying to keep it together but dealing with H moving out, knowing he already has another, my kids, all the finances, the bill callers.  I had surgery last week and he didn't even come help out with the kids, even though he took 2 days off work to do it.  So I know I'm at the bottom of his priority list.

I'm practicing detachment but its so hard.  I went to a F2F meeting and they and my sponser said, I've got to protect my family first and he actually created the crisis we are in so filing support is not stopping the crisis and is the right thing to do.

But yet it feels so wrong.  I hate this.



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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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(((Destynee))

I am so very sorry you are in this very difficult situation.  Living with this disease of alcoholism certainly distorts reality and our ability to care for ourselves.
  
You deserve support, love, compassion and understanding.  I am very glad you have a sponser and are in program. 

Taking care of ourselves is very foreign  in the beginning. Please focus  on your needs and that of your children .

  Pray for guidance and know that HP wants you to have a peaceful life where you and the children are safe. 

There are many programs in the community that will help . WIC , Medicaid as well as mandated child support.   

Please come back here and let us know how you are doing  You are in  my thoughts and prayers.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
xeno59


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Nothing but nothing that yu do can "make" him use. By all means file for child support.... why should he resomdsibilty free while you are trying to hold down the fort and pay bills that he negelected by using the money for drugs.
He is respondsible for his own recovery.. your job is to take care of You and the kids.
Totally relate to being unable to find a job. I've been looking for a year sheesh and think I may have finally secured a job.
First things first.... take care of you !

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Debilyn


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Right now you are grieving so many things. Our minds don't work well during these times, decisions are something to avoid.

NOTHING we do will MAKE someone use! Unless we duct tape them up and to the wall put a funnle in their mouth or needle in their arm.

I would think of my kids, how do you believe they would feel if in the future knowing you did not work on support for them?IIt would be bad enough to know he did not on his own.

This is their survival, bring out your mother bear instincts! His disease has killed his father instincts!

He did not GIVE you money. He did what he is expected to, take care of his kids. NO way would I trust him to pay it. Garnishment is the only sure way and even then, when he does not work......Also a judge will decide the amount. $200 a month is nothing.

I don't know your situation, however I do know there are programs for single parents to go back to school. Many colleges have childcare right on campus. I can promise you it would change your kids and your life!

You have worked and sound like an intelligent, caring person, you can do it. Let yourself heal but at the same time, I invite you to look at your options.

Keep coming back.This home can support and guide you in ways you don't realize. I went from AH leaving, me living in my barn and renting my  house starving, no vehicle, 5 miles from town. To now being in my house, having all my needs met and my animals needs met. Plus I have a dependable pickup and car.

For me it is ALL HP. Faith in HP, total faith. NEVER worrrying. Knowing no matter what things will be ok.Also doing what I could each day helped too, not thinking about the future.

IF you own, I would call the mortgage owner. Some banks have deals where they add arrears to the end of the loan and can give you a few months to get it together before you have to pay. Also the government has programs to help you out with utililites.

There are ways to make it, and to climb out hon.

Keep coming back. I care about you and the kiddo's! Been there with my kids too!

They are now very successful happy people!The problem is they are now in their 30's  and I give up on them coming home!  (o:  love,debilyn





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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jerry F


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Aloha Destynee..."It feels wrong" ...boy do I remember that hook.  Having it feel
wrong was the barb at the end of the hook that when I tried to pull it out the barb
caused pain so I stopped trying and continued on in guilt and feeling responsibility
for her lack of it.   "It feels wrong"  to do the opposite of what we have always ever
when it has never worked out well for anyone.  The definition of insanity in our
program is "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results" and
yet that becomes our addiction, our habit.  Does it create a crisis while I'm in a
crisis?  It can't help but doing that.   I have to learn how to doing something that
earns a consequence I want...not one I don't.   Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

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