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The past week I've been struggling with missing the ex AH. This surprises me in a way because there was quite awhile that I felt ok with him being gone. However.....this time last year, he was sober and things were pretty good. He had been sober from the fall on (2008) after being hospitalized for binging and it wasn't until I think May before he started drinking again. I think alot about last year lately and have been feeling much burden over thinking that I pushed him away. That maybe this time he could have stayed sober, but I was drifting away and he was very upset by that and begging me to come back around. I was busy with things and friends and enjoying a little bit of freedom and was ignoring his needs. I feel that this caused him to start drinking again until it led into total chaos and he finally left and moved in with the first girl that would take him in.
Since then, we haven't spoken or discussed anything...I filed for a divorce and it happened just like that...I feel there is no closure. I feel that I miss him alot. I feel like I have lost my best friend as well.....I'm also wondering if all that I had been through with his drinking for 20 years wasn't as bad as I thought it was and I was just being a big baby and trying to be controlling of what he did.
Is this what the effects of living with an alcoholic do to you? Or am I just a complete idiot. Right now I have no idea, and I feel burdened with the guilt of what could I have done different to save him, save myself, save my family, save our marriage.....I just feel at fault.
You can't make decisions for your ex! It's not your responsibilty if he's drinking, it's his, and his alone!
Closure for humans comes in two ways: 1) true closure when we realize who we are and what we want; 2) false closure when we find another to take the place of the missing.
Through Alanon, I'm finding myself and setting myself free! Only when I'm truly satisfied can I find another (great!) relationship. Then I will have closure.
I'll always have regrets: I know there are things I could have done better. But these things won't change the Alcoholic, only me. I must learn from my errors, but not allow them to control me, and keep me in a state of self-doubt.
I had to face that I was addicted to chaos and drama, it gave me excitement to outwardly focus on and ignore my true needs with.
You are trying to take the blame/responsibility for his drinking. Your behavior pushed him away, ur behavior by ignoring his needs caused him to drink -this is still a controlling mind trip that ur doing. You cannot control an adult. We have freee will and make our own choices. He cant say, come back and hold my hand 24/7 and I wont drink -- he has to control it on the inside - not by outwardly having u baby sit him.
We all look back and tell ourselves it wasnt that bad. We will compromise ourselves into oblivion, telling us to take the abuse we suffered or maybe we tell ourselves it wasnt even abuse. Verbal and psychological abuse is harder to over come then physical abuse. It is subtle and crushes us on the inside.
The addiction always gets worse. It isnt 2 in the relationship, it is 3, the substance is their mistress and we come, 3rd at best. Dont lie to yourself and tell yourself it wasnt that bad. We all have exes for a reason.
The only person u can control or change is ~ YOU. Alanon guarnatees u can have all your old misery back, just pick it up rght where u left it off. The disease lies to us all. Alanon too will be waiting for you, a new way of life is the promise if u keep working it. It is a choice for us all.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think I already told you that I lived with the AH for 26 years, I struggled with all your struggling with. Its because we have loved an alcoholic and we have expanded our compassion just living and seeing what an addict puts themselves through. Part of it could be our guilt in knowing we could have done something's differently, but it wouldn't change a thing.
Comes a time that we have to know what our bondaries are and to protect ourselves once that boundary has been crossed, because an addict will take and take, just like he drinks, with rampant will, draining everyone he comes into contact with.
You would be surprised at how many women that would take an addict in . My ah had an affair with a woman for 10 years off and on , and I didnt even know it. She also gave birth to twins five years ago. All the effects of the A's drinking, she wanted him so badly, she didnt take her birth control and got pregnant. Well, when the A found out there were children, he wanted no part of her and the kid's and it only fueled more drinking till he almost died. I felt bad for the children at the time, but that was it for me. I found out about the affair and the kids at the same time.
It served me right for staying so long. All life handed me while with the A, was one drama after another.
This journey is about us and nobody else. I found out that I have to be a whole person for me. It took a year of being alone to finally settle myself, yes I guess I was so use to the chaos that I was anxiety ridden and a little bored. All at the same time. Hang in there and keep coming back and use the tools of Al-anon. It will get better. You are the most important person in the universe, its ok to make yourself a priority. am fine just with myself and my family and friends. I wish you strength, courage and wisdom. Bettina
