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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Alcoholism and Abuse
Post Info TOPIC: Alcoholism and Abuse
jasobel


Veteran Member

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Posts: 63
Date:
Alcoholism and Abuse
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Hi, my ex ABF is in a relationship with an abusive AGF. We have been apart for 4 months. This past week I guess I failed and took him in so he could leave the abusive relationship. I put him up at a hotel for a couple of nights until he could find a rental. His AGF abuses him verbally and emotionally when she drinks and also kicked him out. He seemed to be doing much better and when I called him at the hotel on the last day to see if he had found a rental he was nowhere to be found! I went to the hotel and his car wasn't there. I thought for sure he was dead in his room, and had the hotel manager check the room - nope. Later that afternoon he finally called me and told me he had gone back with his AGF!  I could not believe it. Why would someone in an abusive relationship go back? His parents were willing to help him out as well.  I just feel like I was duped - or was I? I would have done the same thing for a girlfriend who was in an abusive relationship. Why did he go back? What did I do wrong? All I did was want to help him - not enable him. He came to me for help. After hours of talking and spending time looking for apartments. I feel sad he went back to her. I swear I will never understand alcoholism nor how to deal with alcoholics. Should I have not taken him in when he needed help? I guess I am just venting. 

Jill

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pricklypear


Member

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Posts: 6
Date:
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I suppose I am better at sharing my thoughts than receiving information... you can see that if you read my post above yours... 

He has an illness.  You are a good, caring person.  The illness preys on him and on you.  Don't try to understand.  We can't make sense of nonsense.

All I know for now is that the serenity prayer helps. 

(((Hugs)))



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Shari

...to accept the things I can not change does not mean to change the things I can not accept...
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
Date:
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It is my experience any person who goes back to an abusive relationship was not ready to leave. Some, many people need a lot of attempts to leave until they are very sure they want to.

It is never just leaving the abuser, it is leaving so many other familiar things. At some point the abuse may become more important to get away from than the familiar.

It is like how horses run back into a burning barn. The still feel security might be there.

I don't see where you did anything wrong! But in doing what you did, you learned from it, as it seems there was an expected outcome.So we may see now, we can do what we feel is right but never have expectations.

It is like giving someone a gift and expecting they will like it and use it. But really they regift it.And that is ok.

Will ya do it again? Probably not. But you showed what a caring person you are. We just cannot have expectations of people. That is MY experience. Myself I take things as they come.

I don't feel bad for how many times I took my AH back and we tried and tried until there was nothing left to try for anymore. That way I knew I was done and would never go back.

Anyway I am glad you did vent this. Hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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When you say, "Why would someone in an abusive relationship go back?", my thought is, "For the same reason that you went back to being attached to your abusive ex ABF."

It's funny that I can see my ex's addictions a mile off, but all my own behavior seems so justified and logical.  I think that means we can understand the power of denial from the inside.

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DreamXL


Senior Member

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Posts: 405
Date:
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Hi, thank you for the post.  :)  what struck me most in this post was  "what did I do wrong?" Questioning yourself ...like his decision to go back to an abusive relationship had anything to do with you.  I have found myself asking questions about someone when their choices were just that..their choices ..had nothing to do with me.  People stay with abusive people for a myriad of reasons.  Thanks and glad your here :)

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Alcoholism and Abuse