The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have been separated for the last year, he just recently spent 30 days in rehab after totalling his car on Valentines. About 2 weeks ago I learned that he had been having a year long affair with a former student of his who is all of 22 now (he is twice that age).
My son and I visited him in treatment after the first full week and he was very distant to both of us and the next day was when I begin to find out about the affair. Not from him but from cleaning out the totalled car, he did "sorta" admit to "seeing someone" when confronted but that was all. Later I learned he had lied to myself and our children every single day for the last year if not more. Big, drawn out lies and he covered them with everyone else. He was lying to friends about filing for divorce months ago (he never did) and telling them I was dragging it all out!!! So not true. In fact I filed last week!!
His claims to everyone outside is that we haven't had sex in 2yrs. (which for the last 1 we have not lived together but the other is not true), I financially ruined him (think his drinking and drugging had something to do with that), and on and on and on. Same old script the A's always use. But, the counselor at the treatment facility bought into his story and let the girlfriend come in for the family sessions, not myself or our children (we are still married) but the girlfriend The counselor would talk to me on the phone but give me just the solicitous "she felt very sorry for me and the boys"....
Anyway, last week about 3 days before his release he called me and wanted to come by the house when he got out to pick up a few things. Now, mind you he hasn't lived here in a year but has been over 3 to 4 times during the week most weeks so he could have gotten anything else at those times. I told him to tell me what he needed and I would get it together and deliver it to where ever he was going to be living or to his parents. He got very angry, told me it was NONE of my business where he was living (I guess his kids don't need to know) and then wanted to know WHY we couldn't just make an exchange outside. Why oh why does it have to be their way or NO way??? I stood my ground and delivered his "stuff" to his sisters house.
Yesterday morning (saturday after his friday release) he dropped off his W2 in my mailbox so I could finish the taxes. He texted me to tell me he had done that, I didn't respond. So 4 hours later he calls and leaves a message, did I get the form, could I let him know?? I didn't call back. He called again 30 minutes later but didn't leave a message. Then nothing. But I know there will be more....because he needs to keep the "hook" in me!
Today, I have felt abandoned, lonely, crazy, scared, everything. I don't understand what a 22 year old is going to do to help him after treatment (he is living with her now). My mind won't let go of why would he not let his family help him. And, I feel guilty. When he first went to AA about 2 years ago, he asked me to go to Al-Anon, I had been once about 20 years before and thought it wasn't for me. And, at the time 2 years ago, I was so angry with him after 18 years of drinking/drugging/women that I didn't want to go. Well, 3 months in he started using that as an excuse to be angry with me and he has never let go of that one either. I realize my mistake and that I should have gone then. I did start going when he moved out, for myself more than anything and I started coming here. I posted some in the beginning then have lurked here since.
My counselor says that there is no way such a pervasive liar, besides being an addict, could have been "cured" in 30 days but I don't know....guess I would like to predict the future so I could see. I do want him to be better for his kids sake and for his. I don't want him back, my life is much calmer without him. But, I don't want to feel that I was rejected and unloved, lied to and deceived for all these years. And, shouldn't he stop the denial, the lies and make amends to those he has harmed, etc., etc.???
See where the crazy insanity gets me??? Any ESH would be appreciated!!
His drinking/using are NOT your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Your going to al anon or not going did not cause him to be angry with you. He's an addict. He's angry with himself. He very likely hates himself. That's why he angry not because you didn't got to Al Anon.
Al Anon is not about the addicts in our lives. It's about us. It's for us. To learn healthy ways to live. To become healthy happy human beings. To learn to make better choices for ourselves.
I don't believe that addicts are ever 'cured'. All thirty days can give him is a dry out and a good start on recovery. The rest is up to him. As far as him making amends, that is up to him. Making amends is something we do for ourselves, not for the recipient. You can't control what he does or doesn't do.
I encourage you to go to Al Anon meetings either online or in your area f2f. Al Anon has helped me with my anger, my feelings of abandonment, my insecurities. It has helped me become a healthier human being. And a happier one also. I"ve learned acceptance of what is and this has brought me great serenity. It doesn't mean that I have to like it or approve of it, it just means that I know that it has happened and I can't change that.
I have never know an addict that had a 30 day treatment to be successful ( my son included). His behavior is so typical of an A including the affair. And what is a 22 yrs old doing with him and how can she help. My answer is she was his student and got a crush on him, sees him as some sort of god ( i really don't like that word but couldn't think of another one) and she is his new enabler. She just doesn't know it yet. My hubby isn't an A but i was surrounded by them all my life and it took me 49 years to get here to alanon. I wish i had been open to it sooner but until my son became an addict I thought I was perfectly fine. So don't beat yourself up about that at all. One of my favorite sayings is " when the student it ready the teacher will appear" and I guess i just wasn't ready until it came to my own son. Glad you are here now
. I do want him to be better for his kids sake and for his. I don't want him back, my life is much calmer without him. But, I don't want to feel that I was rejected and unloved, lied to and deceived for all these years. And, shouldn't he stop the denial, the lies and make amends to those he has harmed, etc., etc.???
See where the crazy insanity gets me??? Any ESH would be appreciated!!
farmgirl
Dear Farmgirl
You are in the right place .I can truly identify with all that you have shared . Alanon was a life saver. Although I did not want to attend I found it was the only place that held the answers to my pain. Here at MIP and in face to face alanon meetings I found the tools to recover from the devastating effects of living with alcoholism.
The tools offered by alanon sound simple but at times take a while to implement.
I first had to learn that alcoholism was a disease that I Did not cause, Could not control and could not cure. Alcoholism is so much more than just drinking It is a disease of attitudes. By My living with this disease I too developed unhealthy attitudes and that is how alanon helped me to recover.
I learned to let go of the past by "accepting the reality of what had happened"
With this acceptance I found I did not have to Like the things that happened, I did not have to agree that they were right" I SIMPLTY HAD TO STOP FIGHTING about THEM and agree that they actually happened . With that came freedom. I could move forward. using the many tools of this program.
You deserve a great life Please keep coming back .
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 22nd of March 2010 10:27:50 AM
Well as u can see enablers come in all sizes and ages , this 20 yr old cant help him anymore than u could have and I know u tried , just like the rest of us . This is not yours to fix , you didnt break it .... I agree with the statement that 30 days does not cure an addict , it takes along time to learn to live clean and sober .. the drug is probably not out of his system yet there is a lot of crazy thinking still goin on .. as far as abandonement goes once I understood that this is indeed a disease and not about me I realized that I had abandoned myself along time ago when I started to accept unexceptable behavior over and over again , I believed the lies , I made excuses for his behavior to other people , I compromised every moral and value I had to stay in this relationship and had no one to blame but me . he was only doing what alcoholics do - drink .. keep the focus on yourself and your kids and u will be just fine .. Louise
My Dear Farm Girl, sorry that all of this drama has hit your life. When we are involved with an addict it seems like it is never ending.
My X AH was involved with a woman for 10 years off and on and I never knew it. Not until 5 years ago when she had twins as a result of their affair. I kind of knew he may have been seeing women. After all there were many late nites and many times he didn't come home at all. My only hope was that he just stopped drinking. They probably wouldnt do half the stuff they do if they were sober. Its all tied in with the disease. Also, as the rest of the members have already said 30 days does not mean he will continue to be sober. My X was in rehab , many times. After 26 years of nothing but drama, I knew he had to leave the house. I even found the apartment for him, he had a heart attack then a DUI that cost thousands. I am glad for him that he finally sobered up, but not without harm to his health and his realization that he destroyed a marriage and almost me in the process. I said almost me, if it not for Al-anon and my faith in my religion.
Farmgirl my hope for you is that you use the tools of Al-anon. This isnt about that 20 year old girl, or your guilt toward his parents, etc. This is about you and making good decisions for your life. This is about taking an action and making a plan for you!! Otherwise your life is dragged around back and forth and all around by the addict. They cant even see, they are blinded and their minds are altered by drugs. After so many years of living with them, we become sick also. So we need to recover too from the effects of this horrible , devestating sickness.
Please keep coming back and share and listen a little, read the Al-anon material, work the program, because it will be like a light to lead you to your happiness. I wish you strength, courage and wisdom. Bettina
Crazy making is a "best pick" title and description of active alcoholism. I could lay much of your story over my own and many areas would fit just like they would for a majority of others here. With the help of the program and my sponsor I finally "turned it over" and accept that my part was getting involved with and marrying the alcoholic and participating in all of the ways that I did including active denial about the present and the future. I needed to rescue what was left of my life and that was going to be a full time job. I announced to here that "I wasn't responsible for her life" and turned and walked into recovery. That was the best decision I've ever made for myself. It still is cause I'm still in it and life is soooo much saner and serene.
Keep coming back. Best time to start you own recovery is now. He is doing his own life...let him. (((((hugs)))))
I grew up on a farm too. I was taught to take care of others before myself. It was a good honest work ethic and kept me locked up in a world of hurt, as I enabled my son, my husband, etc.
Take care of yourself, step aside and let their higher power step in for them. Your job is done.:)
Thank you all for your replies!! After a rough beginning to the week and a conversation with AH on Tuesday that I really should not have had, I have had good days since. Focusing on me and my boys and the future has helped tremendously.
Coming back here to read the replies and other posts has been great support. Now to get myself back into the f2f meeting mode, I stopped several months ago, would be the very best for my recovery.
Funny, I keep thinking about his statement that he couldn't change the past and I should just accept it for what it was...I would agree however, he keeps bringing up the past as far as I am concerned and where he thinks I did him wrong. Funny how he got part of the program but not the whole thing. There is NO way any of us can change the past but it seems he would like for me to be able to. Interesting how that alcoholic/drug brain works!!
Okay, I'm rambling....Again, thank you for the ESH!! You guys are the best and I will get myself to a f2f ASAP!!!
Well I've certainly been party to the ex A putting everyone else before me. I took that for a long long time. I took the triangulation and the projection. Now I don't take it.
Climbing out of that is so so hard. I admire your strength, tenancity and ability to communicate so much. For years and years I could not put words to it. You can do that. That takes such skill. I would recommend the book Getting them Sober and also spending as much time as you can in al anon.
