NEW AND NEED HELP - Al-Anon Family Group

harleygirl555 · Newbie

NEW AND NEED HELP

jj · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi (((((Harleygirl))))) hugs

I am so glad that your fiance found sobriety, however I am sory that you are feeling the way you are.

I was just wondering if you have read the chapter in the big blue book chapter 9 "The Family Afterward" ??

If not I suggest you read it and your soon to be husband too. I found it helpful. Also Chapter 8 to the wives was very helpful to me.

Another thing that I have done to help myself better understand is go to AA meetings myself. You are welcome to go to the open meetings, you may already know this but just suggestions.

I hope that some of that helps you.

Also welcome to MIP it is a wonderful place that is full of love and support. The nights/days that seem the worst for me wind up ok and me feeling great after sharing here or going into the chat room. When I first came here I was on non stop or in chat non stop.

I am so glad that you have found us.

Love in recovery
JJ

dori · Senior Member

hi,

I know it sounds funny to say keep comeing back i heard that so many times when i first started i wanted to scream. it helped though i just keep posting and going to meetings , i know it sounds like you are really trying. remember this you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it.

keep going to meetings and post here and do recovery for you .let him work his and you work yours.

it will get easier

jo4 · Veteran Member

((((((((((((((((nicky))))))))))))))))))

yeah, early sobriety aint pretty. your group is right to tell you to focus on yourself and your program.

he is still FRESHLY sober. he isn't recovered yet. that is a process. first five years is nutty. it did not take them overnight to get sick and it won't be overnight to get better either. give him room. he has to focus 100% right now on staying sober and that is WORK. reading the Big Book especially chapters mentioned in previous posts is helpful. and getting to open AA meetings and ...........working your program to the best you can.

be patient. tho we were separated (at the time, thank God), it was nutty for me and my a too. But because we were separated, i let him do what he had to do with no expectations. don't forget that left me a single working mom with 2 little ones. but i placed no demands on him and let him focus on recovery. i know he appreciated this. and at the same time i went to face to face meetings and online meetings daily. i knew i had suffered greatly from this disease too and that i needed time to heal.

forgiveness takes time. i hurt for a long time about the lies, the cheating, the stealing. but i worked through it on my own. throwing stuff in his face he already felt guilty about for years would not help.

remember early sobriety is compared to being "stark raving sober". a LOT of emotion they are used to escaping from or dulling comes at them full force and they are just learning how to deal with it all. that takes years.

try to picture "SICK" on his forehead when he's talking at you. then look in the mirror and picture the same thing on your forehead. we're all sick. but with the help of this program and the willingness to learn, we all get better.

one day at a time.

keep coming back.

jo

lildee · Senior Member

Welcome glad you found MIP. You mention in your post that you have been in and out of Al-Anon for awhile. Let's get back to basics. Do you go to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Have you worked the Steps? Are you doing CAL readings? Are you praying & meditating daily?

The reason I ask these questions is because I see a lot of anger, guilt, and resentment in your post. The only way to survive with an alcoholic/addict is to keep the focus on yourself, and by doing the above things that focus will be on you. I realize getting around may not be easy but there are meetings right here twice a day that you can attend. This is the addy for the chat room:

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

You are most welcome to join us.

Today almost everything can be done on-line. Yes even getting a sponsor and working the steps.

As for readings if you don't have any Al-Anon books they can be ordered through the Alanon website or Hazelden. These are the addys:-

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelden/go/home

On the Al-Anon site there is also meetings listed for the entire country if you can make it there.

On the Hazelden website you can register to have a reading e-mailed to you daily.

As to the the situation with your hubby ... I am not going to tell you to do this that or the next thing. My best suggestion would be to sit down and weigh your options, in a calm reasonable thoughtful manner. Write it down on paper . List the pros & cons. Can you deal with this situation financially? Can you deal with the emotional aspects? Think of all the things that can affect you and the way you need/want to live, list them . Then pray on it, let God guide you to make an informed decision. Then do as you must. Good luck on your journey.

Love & God Bless

lildee

jamesthomas · Member

it gets better; that has been my experience and that of those I have been in program with.

Keep coming back.

Me, I try to start every day by turning it over to my higher power, and then doing the best that I can; this helps me to not worry about tomorrow or even about something that will occurr an hour from now. I try to do the next best thing.

I am sorry that I am not sharing about an alcoholic spouse or relationship, but I don't have much experience with those things. I was the child of. I just know that it works and gets better.

What is that saying from courage to change? "pain is a part of life but suffering is optional"

Another one that helpsme a lot is "a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step." I know I am on a journey - I think we all are. I certainly never would have believed thirteen years ago that I would be as peaceful, happy and fufilled as I feel very often these days. It never would have been possible without Alanon.

And I never would have come to Alanon had I not been slammed by life to my knees. Only in such great pain did I have the humility to crawl into Alanon and admit I needed help. My first 5 years had much joy but they were anything but graceful. And they were very often very lonely.

As for intimacy with the alcoholic (in my case my mother), it's been a long time coming, and it ain't all here. She's been sober going on 30 years and we still don't have anything like a regularly intimate relationship. Such is life. This is my experience, with my mother.

In my own personal life I experienced and learned how to have intimacy first through friendships in fellowship, then through a relationship with a sponsor and sponsee. I have made many mistakes in that path to finding intimacy in an intimate relationship. When I first started Alanon, and for the first 8 years, I barely knew what people meant when they used the word; I am still only finding out through living a love with a woman I hope I will marry. It ain't perfect but it's better than anything I ever could have imagined even 5 years ago.

I've heard a slogan in open AA meetings: "don't give up before the miracle"

anyhow, I hope my experience has been helpful. Good luck. Keep coming back.

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Nicky and welcome,

Please join us in chat:

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

you won't feel lonely here.

This is not CAL literature however I really needed this book because I kept making excuses myself:

He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
by Greg Behrendt

I don't know if it will help or not. But at any rate, visit us in chat, you will find love and encouragement and support.

Maria123

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.