The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight's meeting had some wonderful topics and I could relate to all of them.
Pain has always been one of the hardest things to cope with, physical or emotional. when I am in pain, that is all I think about. It is all I can do to try to think of others who are also in pain and it seems to make me very selfish.
Feelings have always been denied me growing up. So I nevr know if my feelings are real or if I am just being dramatic.
Courage---so hard.
Always afraid of expressing feelings or pain for fear of not being believed or being looked at as selfish.
And even afraid to reach out to give to others cause it's never good enough for them.
Tried to be there for my friend last night and he stormed out of the room. I knew he was in a bad mood, but felt like he was lashing out at me. Hurt a lot. And i got angry cause I have had it with a's and other ppl thinking they have a right to do that. Esp. when I am trying to help!
Tried to be there for someone on here and they got mad a t me.
Aloha Carol...I am grateful for that part of recovery that helped me to learn how not to take things personally. I am powerless and not in control. Others have the ability and opportunity to choose how they want to respond and feel about anything in their lives without considering my choices and feelings. I let them and don't feel responsible for their choices. Empathy with detachment works. (((hugs)))
Carol_Lynn wrote: Feelings have always been denied me growing up. So I nevr know if my feelings are real or if I am just being dramatic.
.....
Always afraid of expressing feelings or pain for fear of not being believed or being looked at as selfish.
Just wanted to say how much I relate to those particular statements.
I spent way too much time in relationships stuffing my needs and being the nice, complaisant, don't-make-waves partner. Partly because I didn't know whether my needs were "valid" or not (from growing up in an A household where NO needs were permitted), partly because I didn't feel worthy of having those needs met.
Add to that my tendency to choose men who were pretty quick to discount, minimize and invalidate my needs whenever I did try and speak up for myself -- and you have a recipe for disaster.
I've got a long way to go, but at least Al-Anon has given me the hope and optimism to believe that I will get there some day!
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Aloha Carol...I am grateful for that part of recovery that helped me to learn how not to take things personally. I am powerless and not in control. Others have the ability and opportunity to choose how they want to respond and feel about anything in their lives without considering my choices and feelings. I let them and don't feel responsible for their choices. Empathy with detachment works. (((hugs)))
The alcoholic does NOT have the ability to to choose how they respond. They are so tied up in their own misery that responses are dictated by shame, anger, and defense.
But Alanon gives US the knowledge and tools to control how WE react. That is the difference- with Alanon training and experience, we learn to control our thoughts and actions, which makes us different than the alcoholic.
The first way to control yourself is conscious. I tell myself "shut up" and "no response will make it better" and I ask myself "will this response (no matter how "right" I am) make this better?"
Like many things, repetition breeds unconscious action. Nobody can well walk a highwire, shoot a gun, or golf at expert level the first time. Only by conscious and repeated attempts do things become second nature, allowing us to focus on other elements and details.
I still find it hard sometimes to "shut up" and not respond. I'm great at it while reading the Alanon literature, or while contemplating life by myself. But when being provoked into an arguement, it can get hard....so I have to fall back to the conscious part and tell myself to "shut up" and, if need be, walk away. I hope some day this becomes 100% unconscious action; until then, I can rely on my training to Shut Up and Just Do It.
