I have left the alcoholic but why has the alcoholic not left me!! - Al-Anon Family Group

evaangel · Member

I have left the alcoholic but why has the alcoholic not left me!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Eva

Welcome to alanon and MIP. Living with alcoholism is extrememly destructive.to our emotional and physical health

Alanon will help you recover from this deadly disease. Here we learn new tools to deal with the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that has become a large part of us due to living in this disease.

The tools, meetings, steps, sponser, slogans, Learning to Focus on your self, and live a day at a time without projecting to the future or examing the past will all work to renew your spirit and life.

YOu have already experienced the emotional lift so please keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 21st of March 2010 08:24:52 AM

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

It took me a long time to get over my exAH, the damage (emotional, psychological) takes its toll and has lasting effects. I had to go through incidents in my mind, forgiving myself for allowing me to be in that situation in the first place. It took time. Keep going to meeting and listening and learning. Im acoa, so I had unresolved issues/emotions from child hood. It is true that our "stuff" follows us until we deal with it. Trying to stuff it just allows it to fester. Consider doing some forgiveness wrok, to free you of the past and see if that doesnt help you on your path.

I had to consciously work to over ride the "old tapes" so I could learn to speak more positively to self and put the love of me as my own first priority. Focus on YOU and take extra special care to be kind and gentle to you while you heal from the past.

Rocky38 · Senior Member

Hi Evaangel,

Welcome to MIP. Why do you still feel the effects? As others have already posted, we sometimes do not understand how badly we are affected by anothers drinking until we step away long enough to really look at how we are feeling.

Al-anon teaches us to keep the focus on ourselves. Whether we are still with the alcoholic or not, it is a way to step back and take a look at ourselves. Some of us became so good at "coping", we became oblivous to our real feelings. When we give them a chance to come out, it can be very painful and can take a long time.

I found that a Sponsor was the best thing to help me with this. It was time to process out loud what I think and feel about my relationship with alcoholism and what it did to me.

Be patient, stick with it, and keep coming back.

Hugs, Rocky

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Eva
One day at a time. You didn't get where you are overnight and it wont be magically turned around over night.
This program is a life long process as we always have lessons to learn and we just like the A slip back into old behaviors. As long as we realize our slip and get back on track you will do fine.
Be gentle with yourself
Blessings to you !

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

12 yrs is alone time , it takes awhile to come to terms with the yrs of living with this disease , self esteem is gone we have no self worth to speak of and i suspect there is a little bit of * what could I have done differently * the answer is nothing , we are not the reason they drink .. I suggest u read all u can on self worth and selfesteem find a page u can work read it on a daily basis til u beging to feel better about YOU.
Grieving the loss of a relationship takes time , its over when its over . period ... moving on is not easy but possible , keep going to meetings make new friends and focus on your own needs and anything is possible .

sdisnie · Senior Member

I came on here today to read a few posts because I'm feeling like you are today. Today I feel sad that my 20 year relationship to an alcoholic is over. I feel like I miss him and I wonder if it was as bad as i thought it was, and I'm missing the good times and over looking all the bad ones. Why do we beat ourselves up over this? I find myself wondering if he's sad at all, or if he's just enjoying the new life he has? Some days I can move on just fine and I feel ok, yet today I dont. I'm hung up on the past and dont know how to let it go and how to move forward. I feel like everything I ever worked for is gone and I have to start all over now, like I just wasted 20 years for nothing.....

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I got rid of that stuff when I started working the opposites of them. As my sponsor
told me, "If you don't like the feelings you get from what has been done...do the
opposite and get the opposite feelings."   The opposite of guilt for me was taking
responsiblility for my part in it and making the amends (change). The opposite of
anger is acceptance. When I accept the fact of a situation it no longer angers me.
The opposite of resentment is forgiveness. Being forgiving lets me off the hook
right away.    Try it, you'll like it. Practice it and you'll experience freedom from
fear and the opposite of fear is love.    Just for me   (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what you had to say Jerry.

We do have a part in it, after all we were there were we not.?

I finally realized that I was attached to the suffering, among other things. Not taking responsibility for my life is another one. Having another person there that is so flawed, we can hang our flaws on that person too. The list goes on and on.
One thing Im not responsible for is the drinking and his addiction and all the stuff that goes along with it.

I am divorced now, the addict is sober and were friends on my terms, he must be sober if he is around me. Life is so much better!! It took me some time to get over my resentment , I wanted those 26 years back so I could do them over, but all we can do is live our lives and start from the next moment and build from there.

Wishing all strength, courage and wisdom, Bettina

evaangel · Member

Thanks for all the replies...after reading so many posts and shares, I am slowly coming to understand the progression of alcoholism and the choices we make and the responsibilities for ourselves and our own behaviours and that great words of wisdom
We DID NOT cause it
We CAN NOT Control it
We CAN NOT Cure it....so true

building on my self esteem and taking care of myself must now be my first and foremost plan of action (which I did subconsciously by leaving him) but carrying that extra load with me along the way, ways me deep down at times...especially as violence was involved as I blame myself...the grand last words of my exAH "You push my buttons, so I hit you"
maybe the forgiveness will come in time..I keep thinking one day at a time.

God bless you all

eva x

saltire · Member

"If you don't like the feelings you get from what has been done...do the
opposite and get the opposite feelings."

thats an excellent outlook - I like that :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.