The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week I had an experience that helped me understand how to detach and I wanted to share my ES&H.
The Behaviors I learned Growing Up in An Alcoholic Home
In the alcoholic family I grew up in, I developed a series of behaviors around crisis or perceived crisis. Whenever there was an upset, I dropped everything. I focused all of my attention on the crisis to the detriment of everything else and even if it wasn't MY crisis, I would get super upset. I've been working on separating the "crisis" from "my feelings" so that every time something topples over in my life, I am not toppling over with it :)
Here's How I Practiced My Program and Created A Giant Emotional Shift in Myself
I have a chronic health condition and the last few weeks I have needed to deal with insurance, health facilities, and drug companies to get an issue with my medication resolved. I have been getting the run around x100 and each time the issue seems resolved, a new issue pops up and I am back to square 1. The week before last each time there was an obstacle, I burst into tears and by the end of the week, not only was I demoralized and depressed, but I accomplished very little in terms of chores, work, etc. because I was so upset. However, THIS week, once again I thought things were resolved and then got the news that XYZ obstacle had popped up. THIS time, I practiced NEW behaviors and got NEW feelings (do what you've always done, get what you've always got and vice versa). Specifically, I felt serene, empowered, focused, and assertive. It was AMAZING the difference.
Here's what went down:
On my way to the gym on Thursday, I received a phone call alerting me to a new issue regarding my medical situation. What I wanted to do was pull my car over and cry and/or drop everything and immediately run to resolve the latest crisis.
Luckily, I was meeting my trainer at the gym, so I didn't want to bail at the last minute. The hour at the gym I had to refocus away from the problem and focus working with my trainer on my strength training routine (work the solution, not the problem). I was amazed! So, it really did work to focus on the solution and not the problem. Who knew!? LOL.
When I got home, I was feeling MUCH calmer and clearer. I sat down for a few minutes and read through some on-line information about the agency I needed to consult to resolve the latest crisis and I quickly brainstormed how I would approach the problem, who I would talk to, what my boundaries were (i.e. not talking about my health situation in the public waiting area, but requesting a private office, etc.) and I made a list of all of my choices for how to resolve the problem. I listed 5 different ways/options/choices I had in this matter. I also decided to not do anything until the next day, so I went about the rest of my day taking care of business (work, chores, etc.).
The next morning, I got up and followed my plan. I was clear, I was assertive, and I was persistent. I went way up the ladder and talked directly to the people who I thought would best be able to help me resolve the situation. Those people knew who to call and had the power/authority to get my situation addressed. I got results! The situation was resolved and I had the rest of the day to attend to the rest of my life.
How this is Detachment. This experience helped me see that detachment is in part about not letting external realities dictate my internal realities. Detachment is about maintaining my serenity and taking care of myself and doing the footwork NO MATTER WHAT. I can NOW see based on how I felt in this experience, how I could apply the same principles in other areas of my life, including relationships, and maintain emotional detachment. I felt FANTASTIC not because I resolved the issue (although that felt GREAT, too!) but because I chose to practice new behaviors and not just collapse in a heap. The result was I felt serene and empowered. I detached from the upset and made the distinction between MYSELF and the SITUATION and saw clearly that I am NOT my SITUATION. Truly miraculous. Truly empowering.
It works if I work it, so I work it because I am worth it!
BlueCloud wrote: Detachment is about maintaining my serenity and taking care of myself and doing the footwork NO MATTER WHAT. I can NOW see based on how I felt in this experience, how I could apply the same principles in other areas of my life, including relationships, and maintain emotional detachment. I felt FANTASTIC not because I resolved the issue (although that felt GREAT, too!) but because I chose to practice new behaviors and not just collapse in a heap. The result was I felt serene and empowered. I detached from the upset and made the distinction between MYSELF and the SITUATION and saw clearly that I am NOT my SITUATION. Truly miraculous. Truly empowering.
It works if I work it, so I work it because I am worth it!
(((BLUE CLOUD))
WHAT A POWERFUL INSIGHTFUL SHARE. THAT IS A STEP BY STEP EXPLANATION OF WORKING A PROBLEM USING DETACHMENT.
I FOUND I COULD READ ALL THE EXPLANATIONS AND ARTICLES ON DETACHMENT BUT IN ORDER TO TRULY BENEFIT FROM THIS ALL IMPORTANT TOOL I HAD TO WALK THE WALK JUST AS YOU HAVE OUTLINED
THANK YOU SO. I FEEL AS IF I HAVE WITNESSED ANOTHER MIRACLE IN PROGRESS
Thank you very much. Your quote of "collapsing into a heap" was me a couple of weeks ago. I just could not move, talk or reach out to anyone. Reading these posts, consistently, has made me feel stronger. I'm working on one day at a time and not trying to project into the future and worry constantly. Thank you for people like you who teach all of us.
And yes you do work it and it works out well...I like the how to shares cause that is what I can do also for change myself. Tks Blue Cloud. Take the rest of the day off.
I am very new to Al-Anon and have a huge problem with detachment. My husband is the alcoholic and I haven't figured out the detaching WITH LOVE part. I can completely detach if I throw myself into work but I have to shut him out. But I also have problems detaching from other issues as you have described and your post was very helpful to hear it put that way. I am going to do my best to use it. Thanks for sharing.
