Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Alcoholic Brother coming to visit
Post Info TOPIC: Alcoholic Brother coming to visit
pepodwyer


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 11
Date:
Alcoholic Brother coming to visit
Permalink  

         Hi, my name is Laurie, and I have posted here a few times.  My brother will be coming


         to visit from Japan next month.  As far as I know, he quit drinking about a year ago,


         but isn't in recovery.  Just having him come to visit is very stressful for me.  I was


         having a really hard time detatching earlier this year.  I was obsessing about his


         situation, and finally, I learned to let it go.  Then, I e-mailed him on his birthday,


         and he e-mailed back.  The next thing I know is he is planning a visit because he


         wants to meet my 21/2 year old son.  He won't be staying with me, but I just


         have a hard time putting up boundaries with him.  He was the world-traveler in


         our family.  When I was in high school, when he would come home from one of


         his trips, time would stop.  We would all sit around and listen to his stories and


         adventures.  Didn't anyone notice that he was drinking beer after beer?!  As the


          years went on, his alcoholism progressed.  He married a Japanese woman and moved


          to Japan, and I would only see him every 5 years or so, and each time, it got harder


          to see him.  The last time I saw him was when my dad died unexpectedly 4 years


           ago.  Dealing with him was almost as hard as my dad's death.  He has not cut


           his hair for probably 15 years, as far as I know.  The last time I saw him, it was


           two big matts of hair going down to his butt.  I don't know how my son will react


           to him.  I know that I am going to have to limit our time with him.  Why do I have


           such a hard time detatching with him?   Any advice on how to put up boundaries?


           Laurie



__________________

Laurie
debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3131
Date:
Permalink  

In my experience, I have learned not to judge others or be critical of them. If I love
them, I just do love them, as is. I may not like what they do, how they dress, but I
love the person.

I can't control anyone but me. So I do that, think about how can I handle this? How
will I choose to look at this.

My A is a mess. But I love him very much. I never see him anymore. He has no heart.

A boundary for me is, to look at my own garden and not be critical of anyone elses.

I would love to be able to have my A visit. He is not his disease, he is a man i care
about and love. I can see he is messed up, but that is not my problem. I want to
be loved as is, others do too.

Anyhow I "got" from your post, that maybe it would help to put the focus on our
own life and not anyone elses.

Just love our A's as is. love,debilyn




__________________

"If wishes were wings,piggys would fly."
<(*@*)>
dori


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 252
Date:
Permalink  

hey,


just keep going to meetings posting and keep working on you that is all you can do. and dont borrow tomorrow one day at a time remember just stay in the momment and you know it might be a great visit



__________________
dorene morrow
pepodwyer


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 11
Date:
Permalink  

         Thanks, Dori


         I know that I do need to focus on each day as it comes, rather than feeling anxiety


         about his visit.  Your right, it may be a really good visit and a chance to understand


         him better.  Thanks for your response!  Laurie



__________________

Laurie
pepodwyer


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 11
Date:
Permalink  

         Also, this is to Deblyn,


          The difference between your situation and mine is that I didn't choose my brother.


          I didn't come to this website to be criticized myself, but for support.  I have shed


          many tears over my brother and because I am being honest about my feelings and


          my concerns, it may look to you like I am being critical.  I do have shame about him


          and his appearance.  I can't walk down the street with him without being stared at.


          That doesn't mean that I don't love him.  He chooses to look like this.  He chooses


          his lifestyle.  I don't think that he chose to be an alcoholic, and for this, I feel pain


          for him.   Laurie



__________________

Laurie
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Alcoholic Brother coming to visit