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I broke up with my abf 4 months ago. Second time around, I thought I could handle it because I loved him. He is a good person. this time around I think the diease progressed.
He wasnt' as attentive and somethings got short with me. He seemed angry, sad, depressed, and resentful.
He got some bad news about some money he might have to pay his sister, who he no longer talks to. His house is a mess... some of the rooms you can't even walk in because there is so many boxes. I tried to help him with it, but found it was a waste of time.
The reason why I ended it is because he stopped calling me at night, he only called me on his way home from work. He used to call me at night to wish me a good night and tell me he loved me. He stopped telling me he loved me and told me how can he tell me he loves me when he hates himself. He started to isolate and told me his life was a mess and was overwhelmed. He is starting to have more anxiety.
I hardly saw him the for 3 months, he told me that he needed to get things done areound the house but he didn't know where to start. I know he was not seeing another women. He was too sad and depressed and exhausted. Before I ended it, he told me that he loved me.
Aloha NMW That's very normal for the progression of the disease...Those negative emotions...Alcohol is a chemical depressant so normal. Isolation and confusion... Alcohol again is a mind altering, mood altering drug so again normal. Anger turned inward, self depreciation...normal for the progression. He is heading for a bottom hopefully that will be near the doors of AA or some program that can stand him up and help him recover. When the alcoholic is "hooked" by the disease/alcohol addiction and would like to escape it but cannot because of the obsessive compulsion to drink they are in that real battle...alot of pain which they habitually think has anestethized by alcohol which is really what has caused the pain. Merry go Round of Denial. He can call AA and scream for help or he can wallow in his denial, shame, guilt and self centeredness/ego. He can get two very different consequences from that; an opportunity to get sober or an opportunity to get worse. Alcoholics have three choices...sobriety, insanity or death. Sounds like he is in the insanity phase.
You're there with him and this can get as bad for you as it can for him. Read prior post from many others who have come here before you and why. You'll find that we all have worn the very same shoes at one time or another and have done very much what you have done looking for the same result. Looking for love, peace of mind and serenity; not to mention affirmation and support from an active alcoholic is not possible. Alcohol comes first...always. You might hear things you want to hear and much of the time that is not what the alcoholic is thinking and is only patronizing.
You'll get the real unconditional love and support from within the Al-Anon Family Groups and places like here...MIP. Keep coming back. I'll keep you and your alcoholic boyfriend in my prayers and thoughts with my HP also.
Jerry seems to often have insightful post. This one helped me today hope it helped you especially the part about sobriety, insanity or death. I feel today like those are my choices. I need to run to the next face to face meeting I can find and get off my butt! THanks to both of you!
PS 4 months is a good bit of time-every time I break up with mine or he breaks up with me he wants to come back and tricks me into begging him to do so and it is so comical looking at it from a distance- If you know what is best for you I pray you stand strong manipulation is something A's are so good at I don't even think mine really thinks he's doing anything wrong, just getting his needs met and trying to keep himself "safe" in his mind. for my A his view of keeping himself safe (which actually hurts him by avoiding real relationships) is his primary goal in life- lonely distance mixed with words of I love you and nice acts but at arms length. maybe you see that too sometime?
-- Edited by glad on Friday 19th of March 2010 03:57:51 PM
This was a helpful post for me today especially Jerry's insightful comments. My soon to be ex-AH just got out of rehab today and went home with his 22 year old girlfriend (he is 44) because she "understands" him!! However, less than 2 months ago he was saying he loved me and wanted to work things out with me because of the memories we share and our 3 boys. We have been together 22 years and married for 20 and separated for the last year. He has run the whole course of.....I need to have space, find myself, etc., etc., and the whole time his disease was sucking him down the drain.
I hope and pray for him to get better even if it's with the young girlfriend. But, as my counselor says, 30 days doesn't help a leopard change its spots!! So very sad!!
Is this normal ?? there is nothing normal about a relationship with a practiing alcoholic - period. confusion reigns . It is a come here go away kind of relationship and u never know where u stand in it .. Self centerness the focus is always on thier needs never our own . If not already please find Al-Anon meetings for youself , with or with out him u need to recover from the affects of someone elses drinking .
I cant tell if this is a recent post or not, but here goes. Some of the posts are so old and I have been away for awhile.
When we are involved or in love with an active alcoholic the relationship is and will never be normal. I was married to the AH for 26 years and now divorced for almost 2 years. The A is sober, but not without residuals. His memory and health are questionable, but I dont want to concentrate on the A. Al-anon is about us, the wives, relatives and friends of addicts.
We all are at different stages and different capacities for living, dealing or not living with the A. Either way, we have choices on how we want to live and create our lives. When you have been involved with an A for any length of time, it will affect every aspect of your life, if you let it. Its a cunning disease, so it can and will draw you in. My decision to part ways with the A is mine and the best one I have ever made for myself. Just not being under the same roof to deal with all the drama and insanity has been the best decision for me. I always hoped he would choose sobriety, but that didnt happen until I chose to get out of his way both emotionally and physically. Being with the alcoholic always felt to me like trying to hold sand in your hand. How could you ever depend on it. If your with the A a long time, you somehow forget how to take on the responsibilty for your own life. For we alone are the only ones that can truly make ourselves happy. Nobody can give us that and certainly not an addict that is to wrapped up in their own insanity to contribute to any relationship. I always say dont pay attention to what people say, watch what they do. I wish you all the best in all your decisions. May they be wise ones. Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 19th of March 2010 10:21:36 PM
In the progression of this disease, it is normal - insanity is "normal" with A's. I hop eu do get support and help for YOU, we enablers/codependents often get sicker than the A's bc we are stuck dealing with everything. Learn to detach with love from his issues, feelings, whims, problems. You can only change and control YOU, not another adult. He will have to face his issues in his own head. You can suport and love them but u cant take on their problems for them. We all get to live our own lives.
A's do loathe and hate themselves, that was honest of him.
For me it gets simple - focus on them and lose YOUrself to this disease. Focus on YOU and work on YOU and u are combatting the disease for YOU and him. We also have mtgs and support in the chat room. Take care.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Always remember in this diease it will always get worse before ( if ever ) he gets better. As far as being in a relationship with an A you will always be #3... 1st himself 2nd his drinking 3rd you. If he tells you he can't love himself he's telling you the truth. What person who cares about themselves ( in a positive way ) would destroy everything in thier path including the people who love and care about him. I believe most A's are full of self loathing... on some level they know the destruction thay are causing and drink to forget that pain. Keep working on you and get your focus off bf it's the best thing you can do for yourself
