The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My higher power has already been so good to me today I have to share. background first- I've been physically emotionally depressed the kind that you know is just bad- the imbalance where I'm pretty sure I'd still feel sad no matter what. Well first blessing is I know it's gonna pass but as I was having a good cry and thinking of all the many things I so wish my A would want to make ammends to me about, how little empathy he seems to have ( bla bla bla) he's actually been more kind and tried very hard lately but seems like every time I'm wanting to talk to him or spend time with him and he's drunk or we can't make certain plans because of drinking, problems with drinking family members etc. I feel so controled by alcohol I wonder why I don't give up and walk away. (good gosh I need to go get my antidepressment meds filled asap) I am powerless over alcohol and at one time that seemed like freedom to say today it feels like I'm in a box with no lid and the air is running out. Okay I have much more drama to share but I know you all know how I feel.
Now to the Blessing parts Yeah!!
Even if my A never does any of the things I think I feel sad about wanting from him that is not my fault- I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
It is painfully obvious I need to get to a level of acceptance it is as if I am roaming around in the dark with my arms streached out trying to grasp acceptance, yet not sure I want to find it, if I touch it will I be stuck with it forever? do I want to be? there is this part of me that asks myself why I think I should want to accept this life?
Thanks for letting me share- and thanks so much to my higher power that he has made me aware that I can let some of this out- realize that none of the things I am crying about are my fault-plenty in life is my responsibility so if I must cry why not at least let it be over things I can control and change-and then find peace and enjoy this beautiful day and do something productive- It's all words at the moment - but that's a start, think I'll take it step by step and see what good I can do today. AS alway any ESH is welcome and thanks again for being out there it helps so much!
I'm sorry that you are feeling so depressed. I used to be very depressed also and it sucks.
For me, dropping all expectations I have from others has brought me great serenity. I don't let my husband's limitations limit me. I can make plans and go ahead with them no matter what he is doing. And I do. We have choices. We can choose to let the alcoholic and his problems control us or we can choose to live. Here. Today. For us.
Accepting that what is has also helped me. This doesn't mean that I like it. It doesn't mean that it's okay with me. It just means that I realize that I can't change it so there is no logic to beating my head against it. It won't do any good and will definitely give me a headache. Best to change my focus to me and the things I can change. This has made all the difference to me. Now I know that when I am feeling upset or depressed, it's usually because I am trying to force things. To change things that I can't change and that does lead to frustration.
To spend my life wishing things were such and such a way is futile. Much better to go outside and enjoy the sunshine. Talk to a friend. Take a walk with my dogs. Stay in the moment and enjoy it's gifts.
Acceptance has been difficult for me too. (Much of this program has been difficult for me, but I'm finding it does get easier with practice.) For a long time it felt to me like giving up. And that's not something I do easily. But I finally realized the same thing that Kiki52 mentioned. Acceptance DOESN'T mean that I like it, or that I think it's OK. It does mean that there are some things I just cannot change, I can beat my head against the wall trying, or I can accept it and spend my energy on the things that I can change. I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed. But I'm glad to know that you can see your blessings. Yep, step by step is the way to go, one day at a time. Thanks for sharing.
"as if I am roaming around in the dark with my arms streached out trying to grasp acceptance, yet not sure I want to find it, if I touch it will I be stuck with it forever? do I want to be? there is this part of me that asks myself why I think I should want to accept this life?"
I love this metaphor.
For me, acceptance came when I sat down in the dark. Then it came to me. And when it came to me, instead of wondering if I was stuck with it, it was more like "where have you been all my life?"
When you "accept the things you cannot change," you free yourself from the chains of guilt and fear. You can't change them, so why feel guilty about them? They are literally out of your hands, and they will have the outcomes they will have without you even touching them. Like it says in the Desiderata, "the Universe is unfolding as it should."
I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but that is what it was like for me! LOL
I also didn't realize I even HAD acceptance until the wonderful people on the board told me I did! LOL But then I looked deep inside and realized that, yeah, I have finally come to the place where I can let some things (not ALL things, progress not perfection) but SOME things go in to the right hands--HP's.
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
